.bestfriends.

*This entry was inspired by the fact that I just spent three consecutive days talking heart-to-heart with three different people (separately) that I consider as my bestfriends.*

I was around three years old when I made my very first best friend. She was the little sister of my Ate's friend. Her name was Ceres. We were playmates and almost-neighbors (they lived about two streets away from us back then), and soon, we also became classmates. We didn't really have a lot in common, but for us, it was enough that she liked playing with me and I liked playing with her. We spent every morning together in school and almost every afternoon alternately going to each other's houses.

Ah. Blissful times.

Eventually, we made other friends and I began to make new bestfriends, too. Soon, four of us in the same class started to gravitate towards one another more than the others, and so we decided to make our group our "official" barkada. Our "Now and Then" era is one of my favorite childhood memories. For several years, Ceres, Odyssa, Meg and I were inseparable. We talked about anything, and we did everything together. We were tight, no doubt about that, but we also fought almost every other day about the silliest of things. When we weren't making each other cry, we were giving each other the cold shoulder. Yet, we would always make up before the day ends. We managed to maintain our closeness until we graduated from grade school. We had such high hopes for high school and were looking forward to great and exciting years together.

But some things don't really happen the way you expect them.

Shortly after high school started, I was making new bestfriends again. I think I graduated from high school calling about seven people my "bestfriend". I even made bestfriends outside of school. I think two of my bestfriends around this time were from church. My friendship with Trisha stands strong until now. And eventually, Odyssa, Meg and I resolved our "issues", and thank God, up to now, our friendship is among the strongest that held. (I never get to see Ceres anymore, but from what I hear, she has happily settled down, and I am happy for her. I'll always look back on our friendship with fondness.)

Ate used to tease me about calling just about anyone "bestfriend" that it has already lost its meaning to me (Heeyy, now that I think about it, I call my Ate my bestfriend too! And she's the best.. kung baga, built-in na eh! Love ko 'yun sobra!). But it never has.

For some reason, I just know that every single person I called as "bestfriend" has a particularly special place in my heart. I wouldn't even have considered calling them that if they didn't. Okay, so maybe I have thrown the word around quite a lot (get this: when I was in the third grade, I had my bestfriends from school, a bestfriend from Sunday School, a bestfriend in Pagsanjan and even a school bus bestfriend... all at the same time!) but I always make sure that I mean what I say. I knew that each of those people had something special in them that I wanted to get to know more of, so I made the effort to get close to them.

I guess in my own unique, albeit weird, way, I was trying to tell these people how significant and special they were (and still are!) to me. It may sound funny and absurd, but I don't care. This way, I get to have my BESSES, my BEST, my BESPREN, my BESTFRIEND, my PANGZ, and other terms of endearments that pertain to the one-of-a-kind people in my life. And I love them all with the AGAPE kind of love.

I am forever thankful to God for bringing them into my life. I never regret "overusing" the word BESTFRIEND because it meant, at the very least, that I was able to become a part of these beautiful people's lives and they became a part of mine. I know that they all had their specific and unique roles to play in whoever I am today. They are not only my constant companions in gimmicks and get-togethers - they are also my teachers, helping me learn much about life, love, relationships, and people.

From my earlier years, I know I had grown up quite a lot. I no longer spend my time thinking about the petty things that the grade school and high school social life was all about (although sometimes, it's also fun to indulge and talk about these things when we get together.. we get a good laugh out of it!). I began to to be more aware, and perhaps selective, of the people I allowed to enter in. In college, I only called two very special people as my bestfriends, even though I made plenty of other good friends. It was the depth that made the difference. I love them all equally, though I truly share my life with only a few.

And up to the present, there is still only one person I can truly claim to be my covenant friend. ;)

See? I am growing up, after all!

As I said in one of my earlier blog entries, "I have a number of intimately close friends with whom I share my dreams and visions, and a great many friends who give me plenty of reasons to smile each day."

The passing of time inevitably brings about change, and some of the marvelous people I call my bestfriends, I rarely get to see anymore. Yes, it's sad, but it's okay, because I know for sure that I will never forget them. They are already written in the pages of the history of my life, and they have each made their own, distinct marks on my heart that will not fade away.

.random thoughts.

I make jokes about 70% of the time. Even when I'm serious.

I don't confront. I don't talk.

So I write.

I am sorry.

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Watching SONA.

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Congrats Ate Neng and Kuya Lowe. Glory to God!

.house md.

Dahil wala akong magawa kahapon, inumpisahan ko ulit un House MD. Started from Season 1, Episode 1.

At totoo nga. You learn something new everyday.

Being the BRILLIANT medical student that I am, may natutunan na naman ako. MYOCLONIC JERKS. Happens when you are falling asleep. Your body interprets it as dying, and the respiratory system slows down, so your brain sends a pulse to wake you up.

Kaya pala madalas daw akong nagje-jerk kapag tulog ako. ;-)

O di ba? The things I learn from watching TV. Hahaha! Parang hindi ko natutunan sa Adams and Victor's Principles of Neurology 'yun e.

Haaay. Gusto ko na ulit mag-rotate. Ehehe.

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Mama keeps pressing me to do something worthwhile (i.e., something medical daw.. hahaha!) with my free time. Mag-volunteer daw ako sa clinic ni Doc Jimmy. Secret lang natin ha, pero I think Mama's a fan of Doc Jim. Hahaha! (Peace Ma, alam kong binabasa niyo blog ko. Hehe.)

Well, I do want to use my time well. Pero medyo nasha-shy kasi ako e. Wala lang. Basta.

Hmm. Maybe I'll go see if Ma'am Portia can give me something to do.

Yeah, right. Si Doc Jim nga nahihiya ako lapitan e. Si Ma'am pa? Nyahahaha!

Plus, I can think of other worthwhile things to use my time on.. mga bagay na baka hindi ko na ulit magawa kapag nag-umpisa na ulit ako sa rotations ko. Ehehe. We'll see na lang.

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Birthday ni Tatay today, pero asa heaven na siya e.. so si Nanay na lang ang binati ko. Hehe. Had a somewhat emotional conversation with her (on something totally unrelated to Tatay's birthday.. Ehehe)... but I really believe that everything will work out fine. God is good in our lives eh!

Mehn. I miss my family in Pagsanjan. Sobra. Gusto ko silang makita at makasama ulit. Maybe I'll get to go there one time ngayong bakasyon ako. I hope.

.samutsari.

Three days into my "vacation"... and so far I have been having a blast. Medyo nahihirapan na nga lang ako mag-explain sa mga tao kung bakit apat na linggo akong walang pasok ngayon.

O sige, once and for all, ieexplain ko na dito. Ganito kasi 'yon. Lahat ng mga LU 6 students (4th year med proper or clerks) sa UPCM ay required na mag-take ng isang 4-week elective of their choice. Sila ang bahalang pumili kung anong field ang gusto nilang mapag-aralan sa loob ng 4 weeks na 'yun. Kahit ano. Pero kung sa PGH may list sila of offered courses. Ngayon, may option sila to take it within the school year (kasi meron talagang 4 weeks na allotted for it in the academic calendar) or the summer before clerkship starts. At 'yun naman ang ginawa ko. Nag-elective ako ng Community Medicine nung summer - the weeklong Global Health Course and my 3-week stint in Palawan. At dahil dun, ngayong elective rotation na talaga ng block ko... bakasyon na ko! Tapos na eh.

Shucks. That reminds me that I still have to write my reaction paper for our Palawan Adventure. Ehehe.

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HARI NG KALUWALHATIAN

(Faithmusic Manila's 7th Album)

Live Recording

July 20, 2007

7:00 PM

Faith Center Las Pinas

2nd Floor, Uniwide Metromall

SEE YOU THERE!

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I was rummaging through my old stuff last night and I found one of my old notebooks. Wow. I used to write a lot. As in literally write. It was only with the advent of the blog in my life when I decided to trade in my pens and notebooks for a keyboard and a computer screen. Whenever I would learn something new from the Word of God, I wrote it down.

Then these words, which I myself really wrote down a couple of years back, jumped out at me:

"Lord, I desire intimacy with You. I want to get closer to You. So close that with every breath I take, I am aware that You are near. So close that with every thought that comes, Your Word comes with it. So close that I hear even the faintest whisper of Your voice. So close that when I speak, Your Word comes out of my mouth."

Man. The passion, the longing, the desire for intimacy.

Nasan na 'yung babae na nagsulat non?

I started to realize how much I have neglected to study the Word, how little of my time I have been giving Him, and how many excuses I have been making in order to justify my slowly diminishing moments with Him. I can remember countless times I have fallen asleep in the middle of praying to Him because I had waited until I was so tired before I even acknowledged Him. There were days when I couldn't even bring myself to sing to Him on my own because I had allowed myself to be swallowed up by the system that we call as "Clerkship".

Now is not the time to let go His hand. Actually, there will never be a time for that. I need Him.

The greatest thing about it is that I know He has never even left me. He's always been there, waiting for me to say His name, to draw near to Him, to ask for His guidance in my life. The Holy Spirit has always been in me, never for one moment abandoning me. My God is so faithful. His grace is truly sufficient for me.

LORD, I NEED YOU. I LOVE YOU.

And I also thank God for people who keep reminding me that He is good all the time. That He should always be first place in my life. That His mercies are new every morning. That if I would just call on Him, He will welcome me with loving arms.

Jesus is my HOME.

I'm coming home.

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I'm feeling a little weird today. Wala lang.

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Nagtext sa 'kin si Julius kahapon, telling me na kung hindi pumayag si Tom na magpresent para dun sa Clinico-Pathologic Conference (CPC) sa Tuesday, ako daw ang papalit. Actually, 4th in line pa ko e. Ayon kay Juls e dapat si Rizza muna after Tom, tapos siya. Na ipinapasa na niya sa 'kin (for reasons that made me blush.. hahaha! kidding. Won't say na, feeling na masyado) at ico-coach na lang daw niya ko.

Actually, as of today e wala pa akong balita kung tuloy talaga iyon. Sana napapayag si Tom. Pero that experience also served as a correction for me. Kasi nung unang sinabi ni Julius sa kin yon, sobrang negative ng reaction ko. As in, "Ok lang siya?? Pagpepresentin niya ko ng something medical??? Ano naman iniisip non?? E di bale sana kung Bioethics yun or something di ba???" Hehe. As in ganon.

Well, I admit it. I'm not exactly the most stellar medical student around (But by faith, I am getting better in the name of Jesus!)... And there are still so many concepts that are very foreign to me (siguro dahil tinulugan ko lang yung mga yun noon). But God corrected me by showing me how little I saw myself. I failed to see myself as having the mind of Christ, and I trusted in my own ability. Actually, I realized I have been doing that for the longest time. As a result, FEAR came. And I realized, kung ako mismo, wala akong tiwala sa sarili ko, pano magtitiwala sa akin ang ibang tao? Hindi naman ako hahayaan ni Lord na mapahiya e.

Okay, so I am not saying that I want to present on Tuesday.. kasi talagang nananalangin pa rin ako na pumayag na si Tom or kung sino mang blockmate ko. But I have been shown something by God. That I must never be afraid to step out in faith. That I must always see myself the way God sees me. That my confidence should come from God alone.

At ang pathetic ko naman di ba.. kung halimbawang wala na ngang ibang taong maniniwala sa akin, tas yun sarili ko pa hindi rin maniniwala sa kin. Ang sad.

Where does my confidence come from? It comes from the Lord!!! :)

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Wow, ang haba na naman ng post ko. Classic.

.post-OB post.

Four weeks. It went by faster than I thought it would.

All glory to God and to Him alone! I liked my OB rotation. I am saying that now as I look at it in retrospect. I realize now just how much exposure and experience I have gained in those four weeks I spent with the Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology of PGH.

To be honest, I can still remember so vividly the frustration I would feel when I would be decked yet another patient in LR/DR at 6:30 AM when there was an impending summary rounds in the morning, or how heavy my legs would feel after climbing up the stairs leading to the labs for the nth time in the middle of the night, or maybe the way I would will the clock to run faster when I had to stay in the wards and time just seemed to pass by soooo slowly. I remember getting bored in the OR and almost falling asleep as I was retracting. I also had moments of getting irritated at all the demands of the patients who kept complaining of their hunger or discomfort, and being guilty once or twice of answering them in a way that gave no regard for their pain at all.

And it's only the grace of God and the joy of the Lord that is my strength that got me through all that.

Yet, I can still also so much more clearly see the relief on the new mommies' faces when I tell them that the worst is over, that she now has a little boy or girl waiting for her. I remember uttering a prayer every time a resident would shout "FULLY!" after examining a patient assigned to me, and then feeling triumphant after the baby has been delivered. I hear them saying "Thank you" in their tired voices, looking up at me and attempting to smile in the process, not knowing that all I did was assist in pulling her baby out and that she and the resident actually did most of the work. I remember cuddling little babies in my arms and feeling relaxed as I watched them fall asleep, thinking how marvelous God really is for making life so beautiful.

I also smile as I think about the people I have been able to work with - the interns and residents of Service B. I chuckle to myself as I look back on how lost my blockmates and I were at the start, and how we bombarded our interns with questions on what to do and where to go. I have to laugh when I think about how they would all call me "toxic magnet", residents and interns alike, believing that my mere presence was enough to bring in a barrage of patients. I also think back gratefully on the residents who were nice enough to teach us the basics of what to do in OB-GYN, that by the end of the rotation, we were somewhat more confident in performing the skills we have been taught.

I don't know. Am I romanticizing it too much? It was challenging, that much is true. And the setting was not really ideal. PGH runs out of supplies every now and then that we have to turn away patients from time to time. The LR/DR fills up so quickly that it could give some blockbuster hits a run for their money. It was pathetic to see two patients and their babies sharing a stretcher bed, or maybe five more sitting on the floor because there were no more available beds. Patients complain of not having enough money, of having come to PGH expecting everything to be free and becoming disappointed and desperate upon finding out that it's not because the hospital just can't afford to provide everything for them. But then again, sabi nga nila, hindi na daw dapat problema ang pera dahil ang pagbubuntis at panganganak naman daw ay hindi isang emergency. Meron ka nang siyam na buwan para mapaghandaan iyon.

Once again, the cold splash of the reality of the Philippine health care situation hit me in the face -some things definitely have to change if we want to really uphold the fact that HEALTH IS A RIGHT. Yes, while it's true that health really goes beyond the four walls of the hospital, this still has to be said: When the premier government hospital no longer has the necessary materials to cater to the needs of its people, then something must really be wrong with the picture. And soon enough, we would have come back to the question of WHY?

And why do people from far far places still feel that they have to go to PGH? Don't the other hospitals and clinics nearer to them provide the same quality of health care?

I don't know. Maybe it's all more complicated than I think. But it really is depressing to see PGH like that. But it got me stirred up.. because I know that it is not a hopeless cause.

The past four weeks proved to be better than I had thought it would be. It was a fitting start of the year as it helped us to ease into clerkship without the extreme toxicity or benignity of the other rotations. It was somewhere in between I guess, and somehow, I feel more prepared now for the rest of the year.

But for now...I AM ON VACATION! My summer elective in Palawan has now afforded me four weeks of free time.. a reprieve from PGH, if you must.

I plan to use this time to replenish what has been used up.

I need to get back to my life. Hehe. ;)