.what IM does to a med student.

KAPAG NAMATAYAN NG PASYENTE:

• "Oh no, mag-eendorse ako nito bukas!"
• "Buti na lang shift out na ako bukas, di na ko mag-eendorse niyan."
• "Hala, nakakahiya na tuloy singilin 'yung utang niyan sa 'kin na labs."
• "Sayang, wala pa ngang binabalik sa 'kin ni isang syringe yan eh!"
• "Yehey, 1/1 na ulit ako!"
• "Ah ok."

KAPAG MALAPIT NANG MAMATAY ANG PASYENTE:

• "Okay lang kahit mag-code na 'yan, DNR naman na 'yan e." (do not resuscitate)
• "Sana 'wag muna siya mamatay kasi may endorsements bukas e."
• "Sana mag-HAA na lang sila, wala na din naman magagawa e." (home against advice)

HABANG NAGRE-RESUSCITATE NG CODED PATIENT:

• "Napanood mo na 'yung 'One More Chance'?"
• "Hahaha!" (nakikipagtawanan)
• "Hindi pa ba nagsa-sign ng DNR 'yun relatives? Ipa-sign mo na!"

KAPAG ADMITTING ANG SERVICE:

• "Sana 'wag muna magpasok ng pasyente ngayon."
• "Sana pauwiin na lang 'yun mga nasa ER."
• "Sana kung magpapasok ng pasyente mamayang 5pm na lang."
• "Ano ba yan, ang toxic naman niyang pasyenteng yan, bakit pa kasi inadmit e mag-cocode lang din naman yan?!"
• "Hala, endorsable 'tong patient na to! Ayaw ko 'to!"

*Hehe. Bka medyo exaggerated 'yun iba dito. Dagdagan ko na lang kapag may naalala pa ko. Haha. Ako man ay guilty din of saying these things sometimes.

.72 hours.

Sabi ng blockmate ko kanina, 72 hours na lang daw, tapos na ang IM! Yahoooo!

Two days to go and then I'm out of Internal Medicine na.. well, at least until internship. But until then... yey yey yey!

Sa loob ng halos dalawang buwan na inilagi ko dun, may natutunan ba ako? Hmm.. hopefully, madami. At dahil I HAVE THE MIND OF CHRIST, mare-retain ko ang lahat ng natutunan ko at dadalhin ko hanggang sa maging isang ganap na doktor na ako.

Grabe, malapit na pala 'yun. Halfway through clerkship na ko e, then internship, then... ta-dann!

The world will say hello to Maria Ellen Rivera Licup, MD.

Am I ready for it?

Ayoko na munang magsulat dito ng kung anu-anong may kinalaman sa future ko as a physician dahil baka marami nang mga tao ang naririndi at nagsasawa sa mga reklamo at pag-aalinlangan ko. Nyahaha. ;)

Gusto ko lang sabihin na namimiss ko na 'yung lifestyle ko bago nag-umpisa ang stage na ito ng buhay ko.

Namimiss ko na ang makasama ang pamilya ko araw-araw. Na kahit na nagkakapikunan at nagkakainisan paminsan-minsan, laging may comfort dahil alam kong nandiyan lang naman sila at sa pagdating ng gabi ay magkakasama kaming natutulog sa ilalim ng iisang bubong. Namimiss ko ang mga weekends na gigising ako ng medyo tanghali na at pagpunta sa kusina ay sandamakmak na pagkain ang naghihintay dahil maaga na namang namalengke si Papa at sinuguro niyang binili niya ang mga paborito ko. Namimiss kong guluhin at kulitin si Mama habang nag-eexercise siya sa sala. Namimiss kong makatabi si Ate sa gabi at makakuwentuhan bago matulog. Namimiss ko na ang bahay namin at ang kuwarto kong kahit magulo, ay isang haven para sa lahat ng mga "artistic frustrations" ko.

Namimiss ko na ang umuwi sa Pagsanjan tuwing may okasyon. Namimiss ko na ang mga batang tumatakbo para salubungin kami tuwing naririnig nilang parating na ang sasakyan namin. Namimiss ko ang mga batang sumisigaw ng "Ninang Len!" at nag-aagawan sa atensyon ko para makipaglaro sa kanila. Namimiss ko na si Nanay na laging nagtatanong sa akin kung ok lang ako at laging may mga nangingilid na luha sa mga mata tuwing pabalik na kami ng Las Pinas. Namimiss ko na ang lumabas para bumili ng puto bumbong o kaya ng pizza sa bayan kasama ang mga pinsan at mga tita ko. Namimiss ko na dun.

Namimiss ko na ang Faith Center at ang lahat ng mga tao dun na napamahal na sa akin na parang mga kapamilya ko na rin. Namimiss ko na ang faith group ko at ang malalakas na halakhakan sa tuwing magkakasama kami. Nakakamiss na rin ang minsanang iyakan at ang mas minsanan kong pag-iyak din kasabay nila. Halos wala na nga akong alam sa mga nangyayari sa kanila at iyon ang isa sa mga pinaka-kinalulungkot ko. Namimiss ko nang umupo sa 3rd row at makinig kay Ptr. Jun habang nagtuturo siya. Namimiss ko na din ang mga mommies dun na kung tratuhin at alagaan ako ay para na rin nila akong anak. Namimiss ko na ang halos tumira na sa church dahil iyon na ata ang pangalawang bahay ko. Namimiss ko na rin tumambay sa bahay nina Ate Neng at makikain sa kanila at makiinom ng mga masarap nilang mga juice. Namimiss ko nang lumabas kasama ang mga kaibigan ko sa church at pag-usapan ang mga bagay na may kabuluhan talaga.

Namimiss ko na rin ang mga kaibigan ko nung high school na dati'y kahit kailan sila magtawag ng "mini-reunion" ay nakakapunta ako. Namimiss ko na ang tawanan at kwentuhan at ang pagbulabog namin sa Starbucks. Namimiss ko na ang mga balitaktakan at tsismisan tungkol sa buhay ng isa't isa. Namimiss ko nang balikan ang high school kasama sila at sabay-sabay na tumawa sa mga kababawan namin noon. Namimiss ko na silang makasama.

Namimiss ko na talaga ang dati.

Pero kahit na ganoon, masaya pa rin ako dahil alam ko naman na hindi permanente itong ginagawa ko ngayon. Alam kong darating ulit ang panahon na makakasama ko ulit ang mga taong gusto kong makasama na parang walang mga panahong nagkawalay kami.

Sa ngayon, kailangan kong pagbutihan dito sa mga ginagawa ko. At sila din ang mga taong nagsisilbing inspirasyon ko.

Salamat sa Panginoon na hindi ako pinababayaan sa lahat ng ginagawa ko at patuloy akong binibigyan ng lakas upang malampasan ko ang lahat ng ito. Tanging GRACE lang ng Panginoon ang dahilan kung bakit nakakayanan ko ang mga puyatan, ang trabaho, ang mga demanding na pasyente, ang halos pagtira na sa PGH at lahat na ng kaakibat nito.

At kahit na napakarami nang mga bagay ang nagbago, masaya pa rin ako. Dahil alam kong maganda ang pinatutunguhan ko. At ang lahat ng mga pinagdadaanan ko ay naghuhulma sa akin upang ako ay maging iyong taong iyon na sadyang nilikha ako ng Panginoon na maging.

At ang mga taong mahal na mahal ko at nagmamahal sa akin ay naririto pa rin sa tabi ko (literal man o hindi) at alam kong ang mga matitibay naming samahan ay kahit kailan hindi masisira ng pagkakahiwalay sa loob ng konting panahon.

I thank God for all the wonderful people in my life.

And I thank God for you dear. ;)

I wouldn't trade my life for anything.

.this made me cry.

I just recently read my favorite Ate's blog (hehe)... and it made me cry. But more than that, it gave me the encouragement that I really needed at this point in my life.

Ate, you definitely know the words to brighten up, not just my day, but my entire life.

I love you so much, and I miss you. A lot. More than anyone else. I wish I could show you just how much these words mean to me Ate. I may never be able to tell you in person, pero Te, ikaw ang pinakahinahanap-hanap ko palagi, at ang unang-una kong naiisip na pagkuwentuhan tuwing may nangyayari sa buhay ko. Ikaw ang naiisip ko kapag masaya ako, kapag nadidisappoint or frustrated ako, kapag naiiyak ako... tapos mari-realize ko na hindi pala kita kasama. Wala lang. Miss na miss na miss na miss na kita Te. Sana sa bakasyon mag out-of-town naman tayo. Break natin both.

Oh, and by the way Te, I just turned 22. Ano ba yan, di mo alam age ng paborito mong kapatid??? Hehe.

Anyway, here goes my sob-fest 2007.

**********************************************************

ellen, my favorite sister (hehe, she's my only sister!) is doing her clerkship now for medicine in pgh..and she's only turning 21! wow right?! well, im not at all surprised because ever since we were young, she is really smart. she aces her exams in school with little amount of effort, while i need to stay up late at night just to maintain my grades. i have always wondered how she was able to do that, when i didnt even see her studying at home..really!

when i learned that she got got accepted in the intarmed program in UP, i admired her the more..because then i knew that she is going to show the world more of what she can do. although she had second thoughts about her course for a very loooong time (hehe len, peace!), it never crossed my mind that she wont make it. deep in my heart, i know that she has all that it takes to be a great doctor.

we both knew that studying medicine is very tedious and i know that she will be very busy with school work, rotations and all. but i didnt realize that she going to be this busy. now that she's doing her clerkship, she rarely goes home anymore (she is staying in an apartment near UP) and we hardly talk now. although we get to text every now and then, it still isnt the same. im not complaining because i know that this is what she is called to do..but of course, i cant help but miss her, after all, she is my only sister..dont get me wrong, i am sincerely happy for her because amidst the hardships of med school, she remains to be steadfast in her calling and in her faith.. its just that, i miss how things were before - the kwentos at night before sleeping, shopping for clothes that we will both wear, tambay sa starbucks, "friends" and moulin rouge marathon, tawanan to the max, kulitan about crushes and other stuff and the vacations we spend in pagsanjan.

i look back fondly on those memories and i realized how much we've grown now..i look at my sister and i see a doctor, someone who will give comfort, show compassion and give hope to her patients..a doctor who will make her patients feel God's love for them..and although i miss how things used to be, i am more eager to see what she will become in the future. she is already victorious because she is doing everything not by her own strength, but by Jesus who lives in her..that's my sister, the doctor....and i want to let you know that i am very proud of her. =)

.light.

I want to write, but for some reason, I find myself at a loss for words. I have not written anything halfway decent for the longest time that I can actually feel myself getting rusty. Words are getting mushed up in my head so quickly that I barely have the time to get them down on paper, much less type away on my computer keyboard.

And yet so much remains unspoken that I feel like my heart will burst if I fail to write them down a minute longer.

*********************

Where am I? I have been placed on a path that turns neither to the right nor to the left. A narrow path where few brave souls dare to venture. No detours. No other way to go but straight on ahead. And yet what lies in front of me appears so glorious, so blindingly glorious, that one just can't help but gaze at it in awe. So bright was this light, so inviting, beckoning me to draw closer. Keeping my eyes on that light should be enough to give me the strength to carry on. But I didn't. Instead, I pulled my eyes away and - blinking as the light slowly faded and the rest of the world became clearer and clearer - turned to look at what lay around me.

Darkness.

Death lurks at every corner, seeking whom it may devour. Ready to latch on to any one who may have chosen to embrace it, unbeknownst to him or not. Seeping into lives and hearts, unknowingly, like a spy in the night, and stealing the joy from innocent bystanders who would, sooner or later, just helplessly succumb to this dark force.

My heart is crying out, inferiority creeping in as I find myself unable to do anything. Everywhere around me was chaos. Desperation. I wanted to reach out and crush death's power and trample it to the ground. With what power I did not know, but I wanted to pull them all out from this dark ocean of despair and misery. I looked around, confused, not knowing what to do or where to go. Deep within me, a voice is shouting out and trying to show me the way. The Light. Look upon the Light. Unconsciously, I pushed it down farther and farther into the depths of my soul, that soon, I could only appreciate a whisper. I knew I had to listen, but I couldn't. Or wouldn't. I blatantly refused. To listen would mean I would have to move.

Hesistantly at first, I then shut my eyes and tried to tune out the noise around me. With my mind, I formed a shield around me. I wanted to protect myself, to preserve myself. I didn't want to feel, to hear, to listen. Soon, it became easier to look the other way. I crawled into myself and refused to come out. If I would just look into myself, then I wouldn't have to care. After some time enveloped in myself, I ventured a peek and saw other people like me. Coiled away, not caring, not minding. Going about their everyday lives, numb and callous to the other people around them crying out even for just one chance to fight death's grip. Hearts hard as stone. Eyes looking straight ahead, seeing but not comprehending. Trying to convince themselves that this is how it should be, but somehow knowing that it's not. I kept watching them, observing them, drawing closer to them.

And then, with a start, I realize, I have become just like them.

Then, I was falling. Down, down, and down... into depths of how great I could not imagine.

I was staring death in the face, but it was a different kind of death.

This one steals not strength of bone and sinews, but of the heart and the spirit. It takes away the love and the joy and the peace that truly make people alive. It whispers words of deception and depression. It has wrapped its cold clammy hands around my heart and is now squeezing the life out of me. I was dying, dying...

I don't want to die. No, no, no. I have to do something. I have to fight this.

There it is again. That voice. That still small voice calling out to me. What was that? Did the Voice actually speak my name? Calling out to me?

A light! Slowly, I opened my eyes. Was that the same light I saw before? Yes, yes it is! Amazingly, the light has not changed at all. The light, still so glorious, so marvelously glorious, lay in front of me as if it never left. With great effort, I began to focus on that light. Little by little, I could feel death's grasp loosening as I began to rise up. Up, up, up. Up to where I was before. To the path I was walking on.

There they go again. The people. The cries for help. I was tempted to look away from the light, but I didn't. No, not this time. I would keep my eyes on the light. Soon, I was bathed in its warm glow. It was glowing, glowing, moving through me, and in me. It seeped through me and into my very core. The light embraced me and covered me.

Then, I was shining.

Shining through the darkness. Shining on the people. Shining death away.

Easily. Smoothly. Flawlessly.

Because the Light was in me.

*****************************