.declaration.

It's been almost a week since I first rotated in Pediatrics as a clerk, and as far as I am concerned, I have totally ruled it out already as a specialty. Don't get me wrong. I love kids, and I enjoy them immensely. That is precisely the reason why I am ruling Pediatrics out. I do not want to get disillusioned about children.

Just a few more weeks to go and clerkship would finally be over. Now that I think about it, this school year has taken me for quite a ride. I have learned in the past months that you can never really know what to expect. Things don't always turn out the way you planned them. People don't always act the way you want them to act. Circumstances just happen. How you receive them, however, would always be entirely up to you.

Let me just be straight and honest. Clerkship, for me, has been anything but easy. It has mostly been a struggle. I know, I know, that is a word that many of us dare not use. We want people to believe that things are easy, things are going well, and that everything is just fine and dandy. And there is nothing wrong with that. In faith, we always call things that are not as though they were, and it is in speaking out what the Word of God says about us that change can ever truly begin.

I say that it has been a struggle, though, because it has definitely been. I would be the first to admit that. Mostly, this year, I have fought a vicious internal battle with myself that up to now, the victor remains yet to be proclaimed. Every single day, I have had to face my doubts and pour extra effort into casting them away with what I have always been taught from the Word. My own inadequacies collide head-on with the circumstances I constantly have to deal with that do not serve to build me up in a positive way. There were times when I would just crumble down and give in to the grief, to something that I refuse to put a name to, that would aggressively gnaw at the very core of my being - and then paste another silly grin on my face, crack jokes all the way, and make everyone believe that I am having the best time of my life.

In keeping up this masquerade, I have neglected that part of me that has always kept me alive. Without realizing it, I was sliding farther and farther away from what I really wanted in my heart. I was swimming and swimming and yet somehow, I was always going against the tide. Lost. Not knowing where to go, having no exact destination, and yet still getting tired in the process. I knew I was changing into something that I myself did not like in the past, and yet I was spiralling down so fast that I could only watch myself fall.

In one moment, everything came crashing down around me.

But that only means that I HAVE EVERYTHING TO REGAIN.

My God is a Restorer. Everything that has been stolen from me must be restored sevenfold.

I cannot allow myself to be moved by all these. I know that within me is the WORD. And the Word is God. God is in me. And I cannot allow myself to lose this battle. Not when I have been made victorious right from the very beginning. I fight this battle, knowing that I am a winner. My God made me a winner.

And no matter how I feel, I know that God's Word is true. When He said it, that settled it. I AM MORE THAN A CONQUEROR. I AM BLESSED. I AM THE RIGHTEOUSNESS OF GOD IN CHRIST JESUS. I HAVE A BRIGHT FUTURE AHEAD OF ME. I HAVE BEEN GIFTED BY GOD AND I USE THIS GIFTS TO BLESS OTHERS. I HAVE SOMETHING IN ME THAT ONLY I CAN GIVE TO THE WORLD. I AM NOT A MISTAKE, I AM NOT AN ACCIDENT. I FIND FAVOR BOTH WITH GOD AND MAN. I AM ANOINTED, AND I AM CALLED TO BRING HIS LIGHT TO THE NATIONS.

GOD HAS SOMETHING MARVELOUS PLANNED FOR ME, AND NOTHING, NOTHING, CAN EVER STOP GOD'S PLAN FROM COMING TO PASS. NOTHING AT ALL.