.thinking out loud before bedtime.

I was waiting in line in the washroom last Sunday when this member of our church, who is dentist by the way, tapped my arm and asked me if I had already graduated from med school. I smiled and shook my head, saying that I still had one year of internship to go. She remarked, "Sayang!" Puzzled, I asked her why. She replied by saying that she was affiliated with a clinic within the area. It turns out that they were reopening it this month, and they were in search of Christian doctors who would be willing to practice there. I simply smiled in response, not being licensed at the moment to accept that offer, and then she said, "Di bale, hihintayin na lang kita next year." That was the end of our conversation.

As I walked back to the sanctuary, I thought about what had just happened. Though informal, I had just had my first "job opportunity", if you look at it that way. That was when it hit me. One year to go and then I would have to make my decision on what I wanted to do with my life.

I've always figured I would be involved in something... well, selfless would be one way to put it. I want to do something that would fill me with a sense of purpose and fulfillment. I have always idealized in my mind that I would be more than just the typical white-coated doctor. Self-centered as it may seem, I have even thought of being sent to far-flung areas in the country and becoming the answer to their problems. I have imagined myself doing so much more than merely practicing the medical side of the profession. In a way, that has made me arrogant in thinking that I was probably a better person than all the others who simply wanted to make a good living out of becoming physicians. But God is continually dealing with me and changing my heart. I held on to that vision, knowing that whatever I do and wherever I go, God is on my side and He will definitely prosper all of the works of my hands. I had nothing to worry about.

But now that I am actually here, so near to the end of med school, I realized that everything is still so blurry in my mind. I jump from one idea to another about what I want to do after passing the boards. One minute I want to do undergo a residency training in a certain field, the next, I want to do something very different from medicine altogether (like Law, perhaps.. hahaha). I still cannot give a concrete answer when people ask me a question regarding my future career. I consider options aside from being a physician when thinking about the years that lie ahead. I remember past dreams and how much I used to desire for them, and then wonder if maybe it's not too late to still pursue them anyway.

I go back and forth, tossed by the winds and easily swayed by outside influences. Double-minded and unstable.

Maybe it's because deep down, I still really do not know what I want.

That's why this is my prayer. That this year will be my year of discovery. Discovering where my talents lie, what I can do, what I like doing, where I am happiest, and other things like that. This will be my year to find out in which areas I have been gifted by God in. More than that, this is the time to listen to the heartbeat of God and know what He has mapped out for me.

This is my year to discover that ONE THING that will keep me going every single day, that one thing that will let me know that I am truly carrying out my purpose and fulfilling my assignment from the Lord. To find that one thing that will give meaning to what I do. That one thing in which I know I can best glorify the God who has given me all good things.

This is it. This is my year. This is the year to discover my PASSION.

This is the year to begin pursuing my DESTINY.

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For lack of anything better to do, I started reading my past entries from way back in the earlier months of 2007. Mehn, was I on fire back then! Hahaha! I felt like I was reading about another person's life. But as I went along, I could see how many of the things back then had led up to the way my life is going at present.

To quote from Sunday's FG.... Luuuv it!

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MOA dear. To the nth level.