.thinking out loud.

Congratulations to my dear dear Ate Kat who now has the official right to append MD to her name... I am soooooo proud of you Ate. Maybe even more so because I know you outside of med school. I know you were an excellent student (Most Outstanding Intern ba naman.. san ka pa?), but I think you are an even more outstanding person. Ate Honey was right about you in what she wrote in her blog. You are an inspiration Ate.. Thank you so much! I am so happy for you Doc Ate Kat! ;)

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It's been a while since I last wrote something that wasn't so gut-wrenchingly dramatic. I was going over my past entries and I couldn't help but cringe. Hehe. Masyado ko kasing kinukumplika ang buhay ko, e pwede namang gawing simple at masaya. Keri lang lagi. The joy of the Lord is my strength. ;)

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I'm currently rotating in Pediatrics, finishing my 1st week in Ward 9. Wala pa akong masabi. So far, ok naman. The first two weeks in OPD and ER (as relievers) went well, but they were not really that special, to say the least. Nag-enjoy naman ako, especially kapag may Cute Baby patient ako (3 clinics yan e.. Well Baby, Sick Child, and Cute Baby... hehe. Kidding). It gave me a rush to find out that I diagnosed my patient correctly and thought of the right work up for his condition. Pero ewan. Napapaisip pa din ako if I want to do this forever. Hmm. Maybe I should just leave Pedia to Lops instead. I should think of a new automatic answer na to anyone who asks. Hehe. ;)

Ward duties are tiring as always. I just got off an every-other-day duty and feeling ko ubos ang energy ko. Hehe. And I really really DO NOT like the monitoring post. Ewan ko. It's not that it's a waste of time. I mean, there are anecdotal incidents where allegedly stable patients were found coded or at least, with deranged vital signs after a few hours of not being monitored. Draining lang din siguro talaga ikutan mag-isa ang isang buong ward with about 45 patients. Tas ang dami pang mga magulang na magtatanong sa 'yo tungkol sa anak nila, e most of the time naman, hindi mo talaga kilala yung pasyente nila kasi sa ibang service sila. Nagmomonitor ka lang talaga. Kaya ang hirap sumagot. Baka mamaya kung ano pa masabi mong mali.

Actually, ang totoo nyan, pinaka-kinakabahan ako kapag monitoring ako. Lalo na kapag maraming Q1 patients. I still have one very very clear memory of a monitoring moment gone wrong... hindi biro yun kasi namatay yung pasyente in the end. I hate feeling like it's your fault the patient died. I never forgot that that patient. As in. Another baby died on us last duty, and let me tell you... it wasn't a good feeling doing chest compressions on a premature 2-day old baby girl... and then seeing her eventually die. It wasn't nice hearing our residents tell the bantay (who wasn't the mother, BTW.. the mother left to take care of other things for the baby) that we already did everything we could. And it especially didn't help to see a little bundle wrapped in cloth still lying there a few hours after the incident, still waiting for its mother to find it dead.

The other day, one of our clerks who was on monitoring post was hitting herself with the thought that it was her fault that one of the babies died. The baby coded before 7am that morning and she was seen by the clerk last at 5:30 am. I consoled her, saying, "Hindi mo naman kasalanan na namatay siya e. Toxic na talaga siya in the first place. Ginawa mo naman kung ano ang dapat mong gawin e. Hindi mo kasalanan yun, wag mong sisihin ung sarili mo."

And yet up to now, a small part of me still blames myself for that patient in IM ward who died because I did not refer when I found her dyspneic a few minutes before she coded and eventually died.

I do not like wards where patients can die anytime. Kaya ayaw ko na ata mag-Pedia. Gusto ko buhay ang mga pasyente ko. Gusto ko masaya sila kapag pupunta sila sa 'kin. Pwede bang ganun? Hehe.

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At oo nga pala. May kapatid na 'yung anak kong si Carl from Ward 9 din last year. Si Baby Ashley ko. Aampunin ko na 'yun. Pano inabandona na siya ng ina. 3 months na siya sa ward. Anak ko na lang 'yun. Kaya lang wala pa silang ama... ayaw pumayag e. Sige na Lops, ampunin na natin. Wehehe. Kidding. Pero love ko na 'yun si Ashley. Sobra.

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Nakakatuwa kasi last week nakausap ko si Ate Mariael. Aside from the fact na ang tagal-tagal na naming hindi nag-uusap ng ganun, masaya pa talaga kasi 'yung pinag-usapan namin. Well, I'm not going to do anything drastic naman anytime soon, pero at least I have a vague idea of what I want to do in the very near future.

Thank God for friends like you Ate.

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At salamat din sa aking pamilya na kahit lagi kong tinutulugan ay hindi pa rin nagsasawang suportahan ako sa kahit anong ginagawa ko.

I can think of no better model of God's unconditional love than you guys. Mahal na mahal na mahal ko po kayo. Maraming salamat po! ;)

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And here's to coming full circle m'love. I love you Homi ko. ;)

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