.post duty post. (warning: unedited)

I am now officially about to begin my fourth week in OB-GYN. So far, I have been enjoying myself, although I am all the more convinced that this is really not the specialty for me. I have nothing against it in general. In fact, I find it fun and exciting at times. Really. I just can't see myself doing nothing but OB-GYN in the future.

I went on duty last night in Ward 15... and may I say benign? :) What with the nurses doing the monitoring for patients on q3, q4 and q shift (please see Lopao's blog for details.. hehe), I was left with only a single patient to monitor every two hours. The rest of the time, I was either staring off blankly into space or attempting to read my Williams. For the most part though, I was asleep. I was kind of concerned that the nurses may already be classifying me as just another slacker intern. But there really was nothing to do, so I just told myself to be thankful for little holidays. It's not everyday you get to sit down for majority of your duty.

When you think about it though, I really would rather have a relatively toxic duty compared to my very benign duty last night. For one, time flies faster when you're actually doing something (the 24 hours passed so slooooowly last night). Plus, I like the feeling of tiredness that comes after a very "active" duty. I like lying down in bed, freshly bathed, the aches in my muscles wearing away as I succumb to a sweet, sweet sleep. But more than that, I like the feeling of accomplishment that comes with a job well done on duty. Not to be arrogant, but I think I am a relatively decent intern, and I'd like to think that I do my responsibilities well enough. I may never be an outstanding intern for anything, but I know that with my performance, I'd get a few smiles from my superiors, colleagues, and patients alike, and that is enough for me.

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For quite a while now, I have been seriously questioning myself and my abilities. If I may be so bold (and negative at that), I feel like I have regressed to a certain level. There was a time in my life when I couldn't care less about what other people thought of me. That was a time when I had no desire whatsoever for recognition of all the good things I do. I just do them because the love in my heart wouldn't make me do otherwise. When I didn't bother with whatever other people did with their lives that made them happy because I was secure in the knowledge that I was also happy with whatever I was doing.

Blame it on the fact that I haven't been feeding my spirit lately with healthy Word-food. Lately, I find myself comparing myself with other people and ending up on the losing end. I don't remember anymore how it started... but it now feels like I've dug a hole and I keep burying myself deeper and deeper into it. I see other people's lives and envy them for the direction they seem to be going to. I feel jealous of their passions and how they manage to turn these passions into results even with all the other things they do.

I mean, come on. Look at me. What can I do? I am a medical student, but not really a remarkable one at that. I can barely hold my grasp on concepts together. I do my job fairly well enough, but who doesn't? A greater percentage of interns in PGH are responsible individuals. Slackers and scummers are just a handful (I think). I guess I can write, but a lot of other people can do that too, and even better. What makes me think I am special? I can carry a tune, but not well enough to sing in public and merit a thunderous applause from the listeners. I am not a terrible dancer, but I cannot do it well enough to do it competitively or professionally. I know how to play the guitar, but not creatively enough to concoct my own tunes from nothing.

I guess you can say I have been feeling quite... what's the word? Bland... and unspecial. Whatever I do, someone else does better. People I barely know regard me based on my relationships with people who they know better. They see me and immediately think of somebody else. My wisecracks? Probably influenced by my close friends at the moment. My plans for the future? Formulated because of what somebody else wants. My decisions? Based on other people's opinions.

I used to think of myself as a good person who can make others happy, but apparently, other people can do even that better that I can.

I just want to know who I am, show that to the world and be appreciated for that.

Things like this shouldn't be a struggle, right? Because knowing who you are and being that person should be effortless and natural. Because that's how you really were created to be. That's how you were made and designed. So why am I feeling like this? Listen to me. This is quite depressing.

Maybe it's because I have removed my eyes from the very Person that matters and started to turn my vision on the circumstances and people that surround me. I started to measure my worth based on what the world thinks is important.

But I am now being reminded of this very important thing. That my worth can only be determined by the price that God paid to redeem me. It is the greatest and most expensive price of all: the blood of His only Son, Jesus Christ. Who can compare to that? How can the King of kings and Lord of lords, Ruler of all, so majestic, pay so great a cost for someone like me?? It's astonishing, mind-boggling to say the least. It's too good to be true, and yet I just can't help but choose to believe it and receive with every inch of my being. It is consistent with who He is, and it defines exactly who I am.

I am His.

I have forgotten what it is like to be passionately, irrevocably in love with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. And I have failed to focus on the only thing that matters: that my Lord, my God, and my Savior is also very passionately and irrevocably in love with me. ME. The real me. My Jesus knows me inside out and still He loves me. Nothing I do will ever make him love me less. I cannot do anything to make Him disapprove of me and want to disqualify me. I am permanently etched in His mind and heart. Imagine that! He fashioned me so lovingly with His hands, equipping me with everything that I might need to thrive and conquer in this life, and filling me with all the potentials for happiness and success.

I have forgotten that His standards and the world's standards are very, very different... miles apart.

I have nothing to prove to the world because I do not owe the world anything. I do not have to compete with anyone for anybody's approval. I do not have to perform to get people to like me and appreciate me because in my Father's eyes I am already perfect. Why? Because of what Jesus did. He took my place. His grace is enough to make me sit next to the Father in the heavenly places. And nothing, nothing the world can offer, can ever beat that.

Who cares what they can do? Who cares what I can't do? I am called with a purpose, a purpose that is solely mine. There is no one else in this world who can fulfill whatever God has called me to because that is my place. That is my calling. That place is mine. Whatever happens, the gifts and the callings of God are without repentance. They can do whatever they want with their lives, but as for me (and my house!), we're going to serve the Lord. Everything I see in the world right now, they are all temporal. Dig deeply enough and you will find that every worldly attempt at success, fame and recognition is rooted at only one thing: selfishness. Self-preservation. Who wants to join a dirty rat race like that? I run my own course, and I run with my personal Trainor and Guide. They can have their fame and fortune. I have my Jesus, and with Him, I have everything. Literally, figuratively... spiritually, materially. Everything.

I will not be moved by what I see and what I feel.

I am His beloved. And that defines entirely who I am.

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Hope this entry clears up some things Dear. Ehehe.

MOA dear. Be benign sa duty mo! Mwah! I love you.

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