.an extra-long post-Valentine 2008 post.

Every little girl, at any time during her childhood, dreams of becoming a princess.

Walt Disney has managed to romanticize this concept so well that, at some point, we've all had our moments of standing in front of a mirror, a tinfoil crown on our heads and a makeshift scepter in hand, and practicing our royal strut. We've envisioned living in a magical palace filled with talking furniture and roomfuls of our favorite things. We secretly talk to our fairy godmothers and thank them for the heavenly gowns they fashioned for us to wear. We look out through windows with a dreamy look on our faces and imagine what worlds lie beyond what the eyes can see. Yes. We've definitely gotten the royal act down pat.

But let us not forget our favorite (admit it) part.

Prince Charming.

No matter what age, girls' dreams always include that dashing young prince who strides in on his royal steed. He is handsome, confident, and brave - he single-handedly slays the ferocious dragons with just a swing of his sword (which glistens in the sunlight, by the way), battles an entire battalion of armed villains and emerges wounded but victorious, and most importantly, rescues the damsel in distress from the wicked, wicked stepmother. A single kiss is enough to destroy the most powerful curse bestowed on the princess by an evil sorcerer. It all ends the same though. The lovely princess and the chivalrous prince ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after.

We so long for this fairy tale to be true. But the fact that no one really actually sings their thoughts out loud in public should have already given us a hint that while these stories send us off to la-la-land with a smile on our young faces, they do not portray life as it really is.

Puberty strikes. Reality sets in. In pursuit of her childhood fantasies, princess latches on to the first princely guy she meets and discovers that her handsome prince has turned into a toad. She then gets disillusioned, breaks things up, and continues the pursuit to find her "real prince"... who may be just somewhere out there. In the process, princess ends up kissing a lot of frogs - and not one of them turns out to be a prince. They are just that - frogs. Croak.

Let me just say that I do not claim to be an expert on relationships. Far from it. As we go along, I am still learning much. And the more I learn, the more I discover that I still have even MORE to learn.

The truth is this: That while life is definitely no fairy tale, the promise of true love holds much more beauty and happiness than we can ever fathom.

Things have not changed. I still do not believe in shallow, fleeting relationships that seek only to satisfy one's own lust and wants. To enter into a relationship thinking only of what you can get from the other is a recipe for disaster. I do not believe in going out on dates after dates with different and random people just so you can find "the one." I cringe at casual flings that leave you wondering and confused about where you truly stand with the other person (though I may have been guilty of this in the past too). It is much better to be single and maximize your potentials that way, than be attached and find your security solely in that pseudo-relationship.

But I do believe in growing and maturing in love, in walking side by side and moving towards the same vision. I believe in making a lifetime commitment to make the decision to love that person that God has enriched your life with. In short, I believe in marriage - a sacred covenant between a strong man and a strong woman established before the very presence of God - and then continuing on in that covenant for years and years to come, through anything and everything. I've always been a big fan of couples who grow old together, with wrinkled faces and hair streaked with gray, eyes shining with the same love as they had on their wedding day. I feel more "kilig" at seeing an old couple slowly dancing to their song on their fiftieth anniversary than at a teenybopper movie of two kids rebelling against their parents as they dramatically "fight for their love".

Before you deduce anything else from this, I am not getting married. Yet. Who knows when that day will be? Just as I do not have to be dog to be able to understand how a dog functions, I do not have to be married yet just to know how it goes. My best friend Holy Spirit helps me out a lot. Think about it. The most profound and practical lessons on marriage in the Bible come from Paul - who was never married at all. But I do desire it, and I sincerely believe that we are moving towards that. ;) We are not in a rush, though.

One of the best life lessons I have learned is to BEGIN WITH THE END IN MIND. If you are currently involved in something (or someone) that is going nowhere fast, get out! Plans fail and people perish for lack of vision. If at the onset, you do not know where you want to end up, you are definitely merely setting yourself up for chaos and failure. This is one of the things I am still working out in my life.

Everyday, Lopao and I work out this relationship we have and revel in the joy that we derive from it as we go along. We think long-term while learning to enjoy each day as it comes. Equipped with the knowledge that we are both complete individuals in Christ, we encourage each other to go out, grow, and discover more about ourselves as we continually pursue God's purpose for each of our lives. We make plans together, and yet we also dream our own dreams without fear.

Ours is not a perfect relationship. I will not be arrogant enought to say that. Four months young, we still have a long way to go. There are still tons to discover about each other. Even now, differences are evident between us. You don't believe me? Let me elucidate. Lopao is an achiever and a leader, an outstanding young man who has a gazillion extra-curricular activites lined up most of the time. I, on the other hand, prefer to go straight home after school and enjoy the rest that entails. He is the class president; I am an obscure face in a sea of many who gets a kick out of observing how people behave. He eloquently speaks out whatever he thinks and feels; I need prodding and questioning to even get out one sentence of a personal nature. He thrives on serious conversations and intellectual exchanges; I start to crack jokes when I sense the beginning of what might transform into an uncomfortable talk. He reads Neil Gaiman; I read Nicholas Sparks. He can rattle off the pathophysiology of certain diseases, while I struggle to piece together the information that I gather. He likes movies such as "The Mummy", "Blood Diamond", or "The Godfather"; I sleep through them. He shines in the presence of authorities - consultants, administrators, presidents, you name it. I clam up in their midst. He wants to change the entire health system of the country; I want to touch lives on a more intimate basis, even if it means helping one person at a time.

Yet, we click. And I know why. Because in the things that truly matter, we are in agreement. Lops and I have been friends long before we got into this, and we have had no trouble adjusting to the change. We acknowledge God as the center of our relationship. We trust in His Word and find that it holds the answer to any situation that may arise. We give importance to our families and treat them with the love that they are due. We value trust, loyalty, and sincerity in the friendships that we establish. We see the significance of having fun together. We support each other and encourage each other to go further than where we are at present. We constantly affirm each other in what we do and also gently nudge each other when we may be doing something wrong. We look at the field of medicine and we see service to the people, though we may show it in different ways. We believe in the Philippines and the glorious future in store for the Filipinos. We look out for each other. We give to each other without asking for anything in return - and yet somehow, something always returns, because we both love to give.

This may be an overindulgence, but stay with me. This is the first time I have written about us and it feels so liberating. I am not trying to sensationalize things, or make things appear better than they actually are. Lopao is not perfect and neither am I. We both have moments that we are not particularly proud of - but we are both working towards perfection as we are both continually trained in the Word of God. With God on our side, who can be against us?

My life is not a fairy tale. I have never met Prince Charming and I probably never will. But who cares?

I've got my Homi.

I love you dear.

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Glory to God for all the good and perfect things that have happened, are happening, and will happen in the future.

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Ate Kat, this is my February 14 post.

.authority.

I have made a decision to live my life as a good follower.

Right from the first moments of my involvement in the ministry, this principle has been one of the most influential and powerful revelations that have affected many of my decisions and my behavior.

I have come to learn that authority works much like a sandwich - there will always be someone over you just as much as there will always be someone under you. It takes maturity to be be able to recognize someone's God-given authority despite his/her educational background or social status. We must all come to a point where we begin to give due respect to the rightful Authority that put the person in his present position and not the person himself. Arrogance, which makes us see everyone else as lesser than we ourselves are, would show us an inadequate, incompetent, and unworthy leader to follow. But Truth would show us a man/woman designated by God Himself in that particular position, given a marvelous assignment and purpose to accomplish, and equipped with all that are necessary to see that task through to the end. Who, then, wouldn't want to follow such a leader?

Romans 13:1 tells us to respect all governing authorities, because all authorities that exist have ben assigned by God. The word ALL leaves no space for exceptions. Be they the highest of the high officials, or the authority even in our very own homes. RECOGNITION is important. This is a must WHEREVER we go.

Perhaps this is why I have never been comfortable in calling for GMA's resignation. Having this tendency to see political rallies and mobilizations as futile, I have never given them much thought and attention since I believe in the Word of God more than what the eyes can see. Instead of continuously opposing her as everyone else does, we Christians must see it differently - we have an obligation to lift her up in prayer, that she be surrounded by wise and godly counselors, and that she herself be filled with the wisdom that she so desperately needs to govern a country such as ours.

But wait. This is not a political entry. Far from it.

I thank God because I have learned this early on. Thanks to the way I was trained in my ministry involvement at church, obeying those in authority comes naturally to me. Yes, I do have my moments of ranting and complaining against the residents who are just a tad too bossy, but when push comes to shove (borrowing your favorite expression dear.. hehe), I have no problem getting things done when they ask me to. This also goes with anyone who may be holding a leadership position anywhere and anyhow - group projects, organizational involvements, even in my small committee participations. I have learned that being a good follower takes more maturity and skill than elbowing your way to a leadership role.

I keep this is mind: That wherever I go and whatever I do, I can always learn something new from someone else - whoever she might be.

And that whenever I help someone else fulfill his/her dream, I am sowing seeds for the fulfillment of my own dreams. With God on my side, HARVEST is inevitable.

In a few words, this is what I am trying to say.

Humility is key.

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Ang dami ko pang gusto sabihin on this topic. Sa susunod na ulit kasi mauubos na un internet card ko. Hehe.

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To everyone: I would like to recommend reading Lopao's blog (click on the link).. lalo na sa mga future MDs diyan. We all need to read things like that to give us a fresh and different perspective when it comes to our chosen field.

So proud of you Dear.

MK. :)

.carl.

May anak na ako.

Carl ang pangalan niya at anim na buwan pa lamang siya. Nakilala ko siya sa Ward 9 Bed 1 ng PGH. May sakit siya sa puso. Tinamaan na rin siya ng pneumonia sa tagal ng inilagi niya sa ospital. Sobrang payat ng kanyang munting katawan kaya halos buto's balat na talaga siya.

Pero may mas masaklap pa siyang sinapit bukod sa mga iyan.

Iniwanan na siya ng nanay niya.

Ewan ko. Siguro daw, sabi ng lola, nagsawa na 'to na mag-alaga sa kanya. Bigla na lang daw itong umalis nung naka-admit na si Carl sa PICU (Pediatric ICU) at hindi na bumalik pa. Walang anumang pasabi. Basta na lang niya tinalikuran ang kanyang anak ng ganun-ganun na lang na parang walang pakialam.

Araw-araw kong binabalikan si Carl. Siyempre, dahil ako ang estudyanteng naka-assign sa kanya, trabaho ko talaga ang alamin kung ano na ang mga nangyayari sa kanya. Binabalikan ko siya kada oras upang makita kung ok pa ang mga vital signs niya. Kinukunan ko siya ng dugo para maipadala sa lab at malaman kung may impeksyon pa ba siya sa katawan. Binibigyan ko siya ng reseta para sa mga gamit na kailangan niya. Paminsan-minsan ay ako rin ng nagtuturok ng mga gamot na kailangan niya.

Pero habang ginagawa ko ang lahat ng iyon, naiisip ko, paano na kaya siya sa paglabas niya ng ospital? Sinong mag-aalaga sa kanya? Mukha namang matiyagang mag-alaga ang kanyang lola, tita, at ama na nagsasalit-salitan sa pagbabantay sa kanya. Ngunit paano nila mabibili ang mga gamot na kailangan niya upang mapanatili ang kalusugan niya? Saan sila kukuha ng pambili ng mga masusustansiyang pagkain para maging mas matibay si Carl laban sa mga sakit? Sino ang magtutustos sa pag-aaral niya?

Ipinaaampon siya sa akin ng tita niya.

Alam ko namang nagbibiro lang ito. Na sa tuwing sinasabi niyang, "O Carl, ayan na ang mama mo o!" ay may mga ngiti rin sa kanyang mga labi na nagpapahiwatig na pinagti-tripan niya lang ako.

Pero sa totoo lang, isa itong tempting na alok.

Hindi ko naman sinasabing kaya ko nang bumuhay ng isang bata bilang aking anak. Hindi pa talaga. Para lang kasing may kumukurot sa puso ko kapag nakikita ko ang mga batang ganun. Ang dami pa namang mga ganun sa PGH. Paano pa iyong mga nasa labas?

Ang bawat bata ay ipinapanganak na isang "clean slate". Kung ano ang magiging kinabukasan niya ay nakasalalay sa kung anong mga bagay ang isusulat sa slate na iyon ng mga taong mag-iimpluwensya sa kanya. Pero paano kung wala? Paano kung walang kahit sinong tao na gustong mag-aruga sa kanya? Paano kung walang gustong mag-alay ng konting oras at panahon para masigurong mabibigyan siya ng mga pangangailangan niya? Paano kung walang magkakaroon ng pagmamalasakit na turuan siya ng tama at mali? Ano ang kahihinatnan niya?

Hindi ko alam. Habang sinusulat ko ito, unti-unti ko rin namang naaalala ang mga nanay na lubus-lubusan ang pagmamahal sa kanilang mga anak.

Walang tao ang maaaring maging ulilang lubos. Dahil naniniwala ako na para sa bawat taong inilalang sa mundo, may inilaan ang Diyos na mga tao para gumabay sa kanya, tumulong, mag-aruga, at magmahal. Hindi pwedeng wala. Meron at meron ding lalabas diyan na magmimistulang anghel sa buhay nila at tutulungan silang harapin ang pagkakatawag ng Panginoon sa kanila.

May ilan nang mga tao na nakagawa noon.

Kaya ko rin bang gawin iyon?

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Sabi ko na nga ba e. I spoke too soon about Pedia.

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Ate Katski, this is still not my February 14 entry.

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Hi dear. MOA. MOA. MOA.

.declaration.

It's been almost a week since I first rotated in Pediatrics as a clerk, and as far as I am concerned, I have totally ruled it out already as a specialty. Don't get me wrong. I love kids, and I enjoy them immensely. That is precisely the reason why I am ruling Pediatrics out. I do not want to get disillusioned about children.

Just a few more weeks to go and clerkship would finally be over. Now that I think about it, this school year has taken me for quite a ride. I have learned in the past months that you can never really know what to expect. Things don't always turn out the way you planned them. People don't always act the way you want them to act. Circumstances just happen. How you receive them, however, would always be entirely up to you.

Let me just be straight and honest. Clerkship, for me, has been anything but easy. It has mostly been a struggle. I know, I know, that is a word that many of us dare not use. We want people to believe that things are easy, things are going well, and that everything is just fine and dandy. And there is nothing wrong with that. In faith, we always call things that are not as though they were, and it is in speaking out what the Word of God says about us that change can ever truly begin.

I say that it has been a struggle, though, because it has definitely been. I would be the first to admit that. Mostly, this year, I have fought a vicious internal battle with myself that up to now, the victor remains yet to be proclaimed. Every single day, I have had to face my doubts and pour extra effort into casting them away with what I have always been taught from the Word. My own inadequacies collide head-on with the circumstances I constantly have to deal with that do not serve to build me up in a positive way. There were times when I would just crumble down and give in to the grief, to something that I refuse to put a name to, that would aggressively gnaw at the very core of my being - and then paste another silly grin on my face, crack jokes all the way, and make everyone believe that I am having the best time of my life.

In keeping up this masquerade, I have neglected that part of me that has always kept me alive. Without realizing it, I was sliding farther and farther away from what I really wanted in my heart. I was swimming and swimming and yet somehow, I was always going against the tide. Lost. Not knowing where to go, having no exact destination, and yet still getting tired in the process. I knew I was changing into something that I myself did not like in the past, and yet I was spiralling down so fast that I could only watch myself fall.

In one moment, everything came crashing down around me.

But that only means that I HAVE EVERYTHING TO REGAIN.

My God is a Restorer. Everything that has been stolen from me must be restored sevenfold.

I cannot allow myself to be moved by all these. I know that within me is the WORD. And the Word is God. God is in me. And I cannot allow myself to lose this battle. Not when I have been made victorious right from the very beginning. I fight this battle, knowing that I am a winner. My God made me a winner.

And no matter how I feel, I know that God's Word is true. When He said it, that settled it. I AM MORE THAN A CONQUEROR. I AM BLESSED. I AM THE RIGHTEOUSNESS OF GOD IN CHRIST JESUS. I HAVE A BRIGHT FUTURE AHEAD OF ME. I HAVE BEEN GIFTED BY GOD AND I USE THIS GIFTS TO BLESS OTHERS. I HAVE SOMETHING IN ME THAT ONLY I CAN GIVE TO THE WORLD. I AM NOT A MISTAKE, I AM NOT AN ACCIDENT. I FIND FAVOR BOTH WITH GOD AND MAN. I AM ANOINTED, AND I AM CALLED TO BRING HIS LIGHT TO THE NATIONS.

GOD HAS SOMETHING MARVELOUS PLANNED FOR ME, AND NOTHING, NOTHING, CAN EVER STOP GOD'S PLAN FROM COMING TO PASS. NOTHING AT ALL.