.pagsanjan.

This is just a a documentation of sorts of my stay in my home away from home. So I'll probably just be rambling on and on but bear with me. It's my blog. Hehe.

I just got back from a three-day vacation in Pagsanjan. It was a luxury getting to stay there from Monday until yesterday (Wednesday). The three-week vacation from PGH didn't exactly turned out the way that I had envisioned it at the start - but I'm not complaining. In all that has happened, I know that I only have everything to gain.

Anyway, back to Pagsanjan. I was already there last weekend. I stayed overnight last Friday because I wanted to come to my cousin Koya Eric's despedida. He and his little daughter Erika were leaving for Canada and were to stay there indefinitely. His wife is already there, and so is their new little daughter, so for all we know, they could be settling down there permanently. So I went. It was great seeing my family there again. I had to leave the next day though, to take care of some things for school and to come to church, but I really had a hard time leaving. I left with a promise to return.

I came back last Monday. This time, we had an outing planned. Ate Emma wanted to treat her inaanak and my cousin Josh to something special for graduating Salutatorian from Prep, so she planned this overnight thing at Splash Mountain in Los Banos and brought us along. There were eight of us all in all, 4 adults and 4 kids. We all had a great time, but we all lost sleep because we had to keep up with the kids' energy, which kept them up and jostling in the water until about four in the morning. By then, we already had to fix our stuff because we had to leave the place by 6am. I am not complaining though. I had the best time playing with the kids, bonding with my titas, and swapping stories and becoming sentimental with one my favorite and closest cousins, Jeff.

I was already feeling a little "post-duty" in the bus as we were making our way back to Pagsanjan the following morning. However, our day wasn't over yet.

After a quick breakfast and quick "decision-making", we then trekked all the way to Lucban, Quezon to see the famed "Kamay Ni Hesus" Shrine. I am not Catholic, so I just wanted to come for "scenic viewing" purposes. Nanay wanted to come too, so it was her, Time, Ate Emma, and me. Nanay kept saying that she wanted to try to climb the 300+ steps that led up to this giant statue of Jesus Christ, and truth to be told, I was a bit concerned at first. At 79, Nanay, though healthier and stronger than most people her age (and looks younger too!), has been complaining a lot these days about her knees and her vertigo. She has also been found to have cardiomegaly and arrhythmia recently - though I know that she is already healed by the stripes of Jesus. Still, I keep telling her to rest. She stubbornly refuses most of the time though, because she always wants to be up and about, doing something around the house and making herself useful. She's so masipag, my Nanay. However, she gets tired more easily now than she used to, so I was quite hesistant about letting her climb up. I had my doubts, and I kept asking her if she were sure about the whole thing. But the determination and the desire in her voice was so evident that all I could do was just let her do what she wants and just be there for her. Time and I took turns assisting Nanay in climbing up the stairs while Ate Emma documented it all by taking pictures and counting the number of steps (301, according to her). We were encouraging Nanay all the way.

Upon reaching the top, Nanay was almost in tears as she looked up the statue and said, "Akala ko hindi ko na mararating ito." And at that point, I knew it was worth it. The pagod, the hassle of the hour-long journey in a cramped jeepney, the heat of the summer sun - it was all worth it to see Nanay smiling like that. Her voice got a bit emotional saying, "Pinagdadasal ko talaga sa Panginoon na bigyan ako ng lakas para gawin ito." She then boldly declared, "God is good all the time!" What to me was just another part of my sightseeing and vacationing was a big thing for Nanay - it was an accomplishment, a dream come true if you must. And I am so grateful to have been given the privilege to be a part of that. The pride in her voice as she told everyone about it when we came back home made me feel so proud of her too. That's when it hit me: My Nanay is a go-getter. She knows what she wants and she does what she can to make it happen. I love her so much. This was one of my favorite parts of my vacation.

It was a tiring day all in all and I spent the next few hours catching up on my sleep. There was still much on our "itinerary". Lopao was coming the next day and we were planning to bring him to Lagaslas so he could get a taste of the looooong river that led all the way to Pagsanjan Falls. I can still remember the rush I felt the next day when I saw him waiting at the bus terminal in Pagsanjan, and I had to tell myself over and over again that he was really there, just to make myself believe it. Seeing him with my family, getting along, laughing with them, sharing stories with them, gave me a joy and a peace that I just can't describe. Full circle. It was amazing. Bitin, but amazing.

Those three days went by too quickly. I remember, years ago, when I would spend the whole of the two months of summer vacation there. I grew up in the presence of Nanay, my titas and titos, my cousins, and everyone else there. Most of my happiest childhood memories are from my vacations in Pagsanjan. I have also witnessed many of our beloved babies there transform from infants to the bibbo kids that they are now.

We are not a perfect family - we have our issues, maybe even more so than your typical Filipino family. We've had more than our fair share of troubles and hang-ups. The drama that lies underneath the happy-go-lucky surface could give many a telenovela a run for their money - but the best thing is that we all go through them together. Family is family, no matter what. We stick together. We help each other. We are there for one another when we need each other. We work things out. And we all believe in the one true God Who has abundantly blessed us with all good things - and has blessed us by placing us in this family.

Pagsanjan is my happy place - and it always will be.

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This vacation, I have one other great accomplishment - bonding with my Ate again. During the school year, we hardly ever saw each other. The few times that I did spend at home, we were both either too busy or too tired to do much together. I missed her so much. I miss our talks, the silly things we laugh at that only the two us can understand, the late-night "drama-ramas", the galaan, and all those special things that you can only share with a sister.

Things may have changed a lot now, but one thing for sure - the bond that Ate and I share as sisters is something that NOTHING can ever destroy.

I love you Te. And I treasure these times that we get to spend together. More than you know, more than I can say, more than I can show.

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Dear, I am so excited about meeting your family in Jalajala tomorrow.

I love you dear. MOA.

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Countdown to internship: 7 days. Bring it on!

.thinking out loud before bedtime.

I was waiting in line in the washroom last Sunday when this member of our church, who is dentist by the way, tapped my arm and asked me if I had already graduated from med school. I smiled and shook my head, saying that I still had one year of internship to go. She remarked, "Sayang!" Puzzled, I asked her why. She replied by saying that she was affiliated with a clinic within the area. It turns out that they were reopening it this month, and they were in search of Christian doctors who would be willing to practice there. I simply smiled in response, not being licensed at the moment to accept that offer, and then she said, "Di bale, hihintayin na lang kita next year." That was the end of our conversation.

As I walked back to the sanctuary, I thought about what had just happened. Though informal, I had just had my first "job opportunity", if you look at it that way. That was when it hit me. One year to go and then I would have to make my decision on what I wanted to do with my life.

I've always figured I would be involved in something... well, selfless would be one way to put it. I want to do something that would fill me with a sense of purpose and fulfillment. I have always idealized in my mind that I would be more than just the typical white-coated doctor. Self-centered as it may seem, I have even thought of being sent to far-flung areas in the country and becoming the answer to their problems. I have imagined myself doing so much more than merely practicing the medical side of the profession. In a way, that has made me arrogant in thinking that I was probably a better person than all the others who simply wanted to make a good living out of becoming physicians. But God is continually dealing with me and changing my heart. I held on to that vision, knowing that whatever I do and wherever I go, God is on my side and He will definitely prosper all of the works of my hands. I had nothing to worry about.

But now that I am actually here, so near to the end of med school, I realized that everything is still so blurry in my mind. I jump from one idea to another about what I want to do after passing the boards. One minute I want to do undergo a residency training in a certain field, the next, I want to do something very different from medicine altogether (like Law, perhaps.. hahaha). I still cannot give a concrete answer when people ask me a question regarding my future career. I consider options aside from being a physician when thinking about the years that lie ahead. I remember past dreams and how much I used to desire for them, and then wonder if maybe it's not too late to still pursue them anyway.

I go back and forth, tossed by the winds and easily swayed by outside influences. Double-minded and unstable.

Maybe it's because deep down, I still really do not know what I want.

That's why this is my prayer. That this year will be my year of discovery. Discovering where my talents lie, what I can do, what I like doing, where I am happiest, and other things like that. This will be my year to find out in which areas I have been gifted by God in. More than that, this is the time to listen to the heartbeat of God and know what He has mapped out for me.

This is my year to discover that ONE THING that will keep me going every single day, that one thing that will let me know that I am truly carrying out my purpose and fulfilling my assignment from the Lord. To find that one thing that will give meaning to what I do. That one thing in which I know I can best glorify the God who has given me all good things.

This is it. This is my year. This is the year to discover my PASSION.

This is the year to begin pursuing my DESTINY.

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For lack of anything better to do, I started reading my past entries from way back in the earlier months of 2007. Mehn, was I on fire back then! Hahaha! I felt like I was reading about another person's life. But as I went along, I could see how many of the things back then had led up to the way my life is going at present.

To quote from Sunday's FG.... Luuuv it!

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MOA dear. To the nth level.

.weekly report.

It's been more than a month since my last post. I haven't been updating my blog as often as I would've liked, which is quite a wonder when you think about it since I am officially on vacation. I have been for the last week, I think. You'd think I'd be coughing up entries every single day, but for some reason, I keep coming up blank.

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The past few days went by pretty quickly. So much has happened that I don't know where to start. Okay, for starters, Lopao and I got caught in this "issue" at school, where we found ourselves being made to explain things we really had no idea about in the first place. But that's that, and I know that by the grace of God, it will all work out for the best. For every single person involved. The final decision is still to be made known to us, but we're pretty much already at peace about the whole thing. Hopefully, everyone else is too.

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At the same time that this has been happening, Lopao's Lola Pat went home to the Lord last Thursday. It was sad and surprising for the whole family, and I know that words cannot even begin to express how they all feel about what happened. But I know that they are comforted by the fact that their beloved Nanay and Lola is already in the presence of God, dancing and worshipping before Him, enjoying all the pleasures that Heaven has to offer. The promise of a magnificent reunion in the future is a beacon of light for the entire family.

I have been going to the wake for the past three days, and on my part, it has been quite a ride getting to meet so many of Lopao's relatives. I couldn't possibly remember all of the names, but I remember their welcoming smiles as we were introduced. I had to get used to him saying, "Si Ellen po, girlfriend ko..." - because I've never been introduced that way before. Yes, I still do get a bit shy around them (who wouldn't?), but as I have told Lops, I fell in love with his family as well. Tita Luz, his mom, is one of the sweetest persons I have ever met, and so is Tita Cora, his aunt. The way they've accepted me makes me feel like a million bucks.

In all of these, I have had a new "revelation", if you must, about us. As we continue in this relationship, I have come to realize that this is not just about two people living and walking in love. This is about families. Now, when I look at Lopao, I do not see him as him alone, but with his whole family behind him. I see him as a son, a brother, a cousin, a grandson, a friend - and that is enough to make me want to treat him in the best way I possibly can. I would never want to hurt a family as wonderful as theirs. And when I see him getting along with my own family and friends, when I witness how he begins to establish his own friendships with these people that have played very large roles in the molding of my life as it is right now, I can't help but whisper a prayer of thanks to God for making us one step closer to coming full circle.

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I still haven't been able to go home to Pagsanjan. I am planning to do so this coming week. I have to. I can't bear to disappoint Nanay again. I have given my word that I will go there this vacation, and I am planning to make good on that promise. I really miss everyone there. Nanay, my titos and titas, my cousins, my babies (of course, babies ng mga pinsan ko yun.. hehe). I have this need to see them and to be with them. Basta, whatever it takes, I will go there this summer before internship starts.

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For some reason, my life is beginning to have some semblance of "normalcy" again. I thank God because it looks like everything is falling into place. God has promised me that this is the year of my restoration - and I am holding on to that promise. I thank God for people who are always there no matter what, and for relationships that do not deteriorate with the passing of time, but instead grow stronger. But most of all, I thank God for His faithfulness, for His Word that is always true, for His promises that are always "Yes" and "Amen", and for His CALLING that is irrevocable and without repentance.

The real me is what the Bible says I am - THE RIGHTEOUSNESS OF GOD IN CHRIST JESUS. Nothing can change that.

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I was able to catch Superman Returns on HBO on one of my lazier days last week. It was a fairly good movie, and Brandon Routh was the perfect casting choice for Superman. However, as I was watching it, one thought kept on recurring in my head over and over.

Superman is who he really is. Not Clark Kent. Superman.

Unlike many other superheroes, Superman is not just Clark Kent's alter ego. This super-strong flying man is the real person. He cannot do anything to change that, because he was born that way. When he becomes the weakling and nerdy Kent, he is not himself. He becomes a person hiding behind a facade.

That's when I realized - We have been born into the life of Jesus Christ. That means we have been born victorious. We have been born strong in the Lord. We have been born overcomers. When we choose not to walk in that victory, when we choose to let defeat permeate into our very beings, we are denying ourselves of the oportunity to be the real persons that we have been created to be. But no matter what we do, that real person can never be hidden for long.

The world will always see the VICTORS in us.

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Two more weeks to internship. Exciting.

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