.wala na namang magawa.

Post duty ako. E nagising ako nung dumating sina Mama at Papa e. Tas hindi na ko makatulog ulit. Kaya eto. Hehe. Got this from my friend Norman's blog. (Thanks Norman!)

1. What do you say most when you're trying not to curse?
I really don't curse... never did, never want to. So when i'm not pleased with something, I go "Awww... shucks!" or "OMG!" (as in oh my goolai!)

2. Do You Own An Ipod?
Alarmingly, no. Really, really want one, though. (*hint, hint*)

3. What Person On Your Top 8 on Myspace Do You Talk To The Most?
I don't have a myspace profile.

4. What Time Is Your Alarm Clock Set To?
5:30 am. Then I keep snoozing until 6:15.

5. Do You Want To Fall In Love?
Already did. Now we're growing in it. naks. ;)

6. Do You Wear Flip-Flops When It's Cold?
I wear flipflops anytime.

7. Would You Rather Take The Picture Or Be In The Picture?
BE IN THE PICTURE!! Of course! hehe.

8. What Was The Last Movie You Watched?
AVSL. A Very Special Love. Mwahahaha!

9. Do Any Of Your Friends Have Children?
Yep.

10. Has Anyone Ever Called You Lazy?
Yes. My mom. Hahahaha!

11. Do You Ever Take Medication To Help You Fall Asleep?
Nope. Spending more than 24 hours in PGH is enough to make you fall asleep anytime possible. and i mean ANYTIME.

12. Do You Prefer Regular Or Chocolate Milk?
Chocolate milk! I love having Chuckie with breakfast. :)

13. Has Anyone Told You A Secret This Week?
I think so.. on one of my gab sessions with a blockmate.

14. When Was The Last Time You Had Starbucks?
Ang tagal nang hindeeee!!!! I want, i want!

15. Can You Whistle?
in a very funny way... hehe. pilit na pilit.

16. Do You Have A Trampoline In Your Back Yard?
nope. no backyard nga e. always wanted one, though. both the trampoline AND the backyard.

17. Do You Think People Talk About You Behind Your Back?
oh, definitely. ganun talaga kapag sikat ka at maganda. keri lang. mwahahahaha! kidding.

19. Did You Watch Cartoons As A Child?
siyempre naman!

20. What Movie Do You Know Every Line To?
probably the eternal Titanic. and Moulin Rouge. and i think i've memorized every episode of Friends. adik.

23. Do You Own Any Band T-Shirts?
Faithmusic Manila. Hehe. ;)

24. What Is Your Favorite Salad Dressing?
Caesar's. Or hundred island. yun lang alam ko e. simpleng mamamayan. ehehe.

25. Is anyone in love with you?
Yes. =.)

26. Do You Do Your Own Dishes?
Have to sa apartment. kapag asa bahay, minsan-minsan lang. nagpapaka-senyorita, di naman bagay. wehehe.

27. Ever Cry In Public?
Ay.. OO.

30. Do you think you could ever be in love?
Definitely.

31. Would You Ever Date Anyone Covered In Tattoos?
Ayaw ko. Di siya makakapagdonate ng blood sa blood bank.

32. What Did You Do Before This?
natulog.

33. When Was The Last Time You Slept On The Floor?
last time ata na nakauwi ako sa 'min. i fall asleep on the living room floor every time.

34. How Many Hours Of Sleep Do You Need To Function?
Learned how to function even with no sleep e... pero medyo bangag. Give me at least an hour's worth of sleep, ok na ko. pero walang manggugulo kapag post duty na ko!!!! Hehe.

35. Do you eat breakfast daily?
Nope. have to make do with just cookies and milk sometimes.

36. Are Your Days Full And Fast Paced?
sometimes. sometimes it feels real slow. these days, tatlo na lang ang araw para sa akin... pre-duty, duty, post-duty. i easily lose track of what day of the week it is nowadays.

37. What are you doing right now?aside from this?
listening to music and trying to shut out other thoughts.

38. Do you use sarcasm?
a lot. nakakainis na nga ata ako minsan e.

39. Have You Ever Been In A Fight?
Yep.

40. Are You Picky About Spelling And Grammar?
Yes, I am.

41. Have You Ever Been To Six Flags?
Ano un? igno.

42. Have you ever got beaten up?
No!!

43. Do you like Rain or Sun?
Rain. definitely. but only when im indoors and wrapped up in a thick blanket, watching a feel-good movie, with a cup of coffee or hot chocolate in hand. tagal ko nang hindi nagagawa un. just don't like wading in floodwaters. hehe.

44. Do You Get Along Better With The Same Sex Or The Opposite?
i think i make friends with guys easier... mas madali kasi makipagbiruan sa kanila. instant rapport. di ko kasi masyado nakakasundo 'yung mga tipong super girly na girls. wehehehe. basta ganun. i love having girlfriends na nakakausap ko ng matino tungkol sa mga seryosong bagay.. at pinipili ko lang ang mga kinakausap ko ng ganun.

45. Do you like mustard?
Yup yup! loads of it on a hotdog sandwich.

46. Do You Sleep On Your Side, Stomach, Or Back?
malikot daw ako matulog e... but i'm most comfortable on my side.

47. Do You Watch The news?
yep yep.. lalo na kapag wala nang ibang mapanood.

48. How Did You Get One Of Your Scars?
the one on my right upper lid... got it by hitting my head on the corner of a coffee table when i was about 4 years old. malikot!

49. Who Was The Last Person To Make You Mad?
Sikreto ko na 'yun!

50. Do you like anyone?
i like lots of people. ;)

51. What Is The Last Thing You Purchased?
Scrubs from ate rose!!! hehe. i call them my happy scrubs... binili ko un after feeling so bad and drained after one of my ward patients died. so i splurged on scrubs! hehe.

.thinking out loud.

Congratulations to my dear dear Ate Kat who now has the official right to append MD to her name... I am soooooo proud of you Ate. Maybe even more so because I know you outside of med school. I know you were an excellent student (Most Outstanding Intern ba naman.. san ka pa?), but I think you are an even more outstanding person. Ate Honey was right about you in what she wrote in her blog. You are an inspiration Ate.. Thank you so much! I am so happy for you Doc Ate Kat! ;)

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It's been a while since I last wrote something that wasn't so gut-wrenchingly dramatic. I was going over my past entries and I couldn't help but cringe. Hehe. Masyado ko kasing kinukumplika ang buhay ko, e pwede namang gawing simple at masaya. Keri lang lagi. The joy of the Lord is my strength. ;)

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I'm currently rotating in Pediatrics, finishing my 1st week in Ward 9. Wala pa akong masabi. So far, ok naman. The first two weeks in OPD and ER (as relievers) went well, but they were not really that special, to say the least. Nag-enjoy naman ako, especially kapag may Cute Baby patient ako (3 clinics yan e.. Well Baby, Sick Child, and Cute Baby... hehe. Kidding). It gave me a rush to find out that I diagnosed my patient correctly and thought of the right work up for his condition. Pero ewan. Napapaisip pa din ako if I want to do this forever. Hmm. Maybe I should just leave Pedia to Lops instead. I should think of a new automatic answer na to anyone who asks. Hehe. ;)

Ward duties are tiring as always. I just got off an every-other-day duty and feeling ko ubos ang energy ko. Hehe. And I really really DO NOT like the monitoring post. Ewan ko. It's not that it's a waste of time. I mean, there are anecdotal incidents where allegedly stable patients were found coded or at least, with deranged vital signs after a few hours of not being monitored. Draining lang din siguro talaga ikutan mag-isa ang isang buong ward with about 45 patients. Tas ang dami pang mga magulang na magtatanong sa 'yo tungkol sa anak nila, e most of the time naman, hindi mo talaga kilala yung pasyente nila kasi sa ibang service sila. Nagmomonitor ka lang talaga. Kaya ang hirap sumagot. Baka mamaya kung ano pa masabi mong mali.

Actually, ang totoo nyan, pinaka-kinakabahan ako kapag monitoring ako. Lalo na kapag maraming Q1 patients. I still have one very very clear memory of a monitoring moment gone wrong... hindi biro yun kasi namatay yung pasyente in the end. I hate feeling like it's your fault the patient died. I never forgot that that patient. As in. Another baby died on us last duty, and let me tell you... it wasn't a good feeling doing chest compressions on a premature 2-day old baby girl... and then seeing her eventually die. It wasn't nice hearing our residents tell the bantay (who wasn't the mother, BTW.. the mother left to take care of other things for the baby) that we already did everything we could. And it especially didn't help to see a little bundle wrapped in cloth still lying there a few hours after the incident, still waiting for its mother to find it dead.

The other day, one of our clerks who was on monitoring post was hitting herself with the thought that it was her fault that one of the babies died. The baby coded before 7am that morning and she was seen by the clerk last at 5:30 am. I consoled her, saying, "Hindi mo naman kasalanan na namatay siya e. Toxic na talaga siya in the first place. Ginawa mo naman kung ano ang dapat mong gawin e. Hindi mo kasalanan yun, wag mong sisihin ung sarili mo."

And yet up to now, a small part of me still blames myself for that patient in IM ward who died because I did not refer when I found her dyspneic a few minutes before she coded and eventually died.

I do not like wards where patients can die anytime. Kaya ayaw ko na ata mag-Pedia. Gusto ko buhay ang mga pasyente ko. Gusto ko masaya sila kapag pupunta sila sa 'kin. Pwede bang ganun? Hehe.

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At oo nga pala. May kapatid na 'yung anak kong si Carl from Ward 9 din last year. Si Baby Ashley ko. Aampunin ko na 'yun. Pano inabandona na siya ng ina. 3 months na siya sa ward. Anak ko na lang 'yun. Kaya lang wala pa silang ama... ayaw pumayag e. Sige na Lops, ampunin na natin. Wehehe. Kidding. Pero love ko na 'yun si Ashley. Sobra.

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Nakakatuwa kasi last week nakausap ko si Ate Mariael. Aside from the fact na ang tagal-tagal na naming hindi nag-uusap ng ganun, masaya pa talaga kasi 'yung pinag-usapan namin. Well, I'm not going to do anything drastic naman anytime soon, pero at least I have a vague idea of what I want to do in the very near future.

Thank God for friends like you Ate.

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At salamat din sa aking pamilya na kahit lagi kong tinutulugan ay hindi pa rin nagsasawang suportahan ako sa kahit anong ginagawa ko.

I can think of no better model of God's unconditional love than you guys. Mahal na mahal na mahal ko po kayo. Maraming salamat po! ;)

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And here's to coming full circle m'love. I love you Homi ko. ;)

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.pambawi sa ranting.

My, my, my. That was one depressing entry. And I apologize for it.

I have just come to realize that I have subconsciously allowed other people to direct my choices and control my happiness. But it shouldn't be so.

"I think the problem is that we've confused joy with happiness. Happiness is dependent on happenings. Circumstances in your life dictate whether or not you are happy. Joy, on the other hand is a gift from God - a fruit of the Spirit that transcends whatever is happening in your life. Joy allows you to rise —even to soar— above difficult circumstances, challenges, and heartaches. Joy comes from knowing Who is in control and that He has a plan to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11) We do not draw our strength from the great feeling we get when things go right; if we did, we would be powerless when hard times and adversity hit, and we would all be easy pickings for the devil. No, it is the joy of the Lord that is our strength!" ~Alan Riley~

Life is good. I choose to be happy.

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All of my life, in every season, you are still God. I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship.

.ranting.

I hate being late.

As far as I can remember, I have always made it a point to come to classes on time, meet appointments right on the dot, and be at the place about 5 minutes before the agreed upon time. Whether that is just good manners or a sign of the obsessive-compulsive disorder, I cannot tell. All I know is that I get agitated when things don't happen at the time that they are supposed to.

I have practiced this all my life. Meeting deadlines for school projects, submitting requirements, arriving where I'm expected... I have grown used to being the first person to come in group meetings. I don't know. I probably learned it from my dad, who sets the all the clocks at home 30 minutes advanced to ensure that we will never be late wherever we have to go.

Maybe that's why I always make sure everything in my life happens exactly when it is supposed to happen, even if it means rushing through some things and giving up quality for the sake of meeting the deadline I have set for myself.

It is a very tiring and draining way to live.

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I admit it. I am jealous.

I am jealous of people who know what they want to do in life and then they do it.

I am jealous of people who have the courage to turn their backs on what is expected of them in order to pursue with much certainty and assurance the dreams that are fervently burning in their hearts.

I am jealous of people who thrive in their current positions because the decisions they have made have led them there.

And I am just realizing how incredibly pathetic this piece is... because I am sitting here, ranting about all these things, when I could be out there, doing something to change the way things are going.

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No matter how it looks like... I AM GETTING THERE.

And nothing can stop God's plan from coming to pass.

Though everything has changed... my God hasn't. And I am still BEAUTIFUL IN HIS SIGHT. To everything, there is a SEASON. He has made everything beautiful in His time.

I am still the RIGHTEOUSNESS OF GOD IN CHRIST JESUS.

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.moving forward.

Taken from Ate Honey's blog:

It's always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn't matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over. Slowly, begin to realize that we could not go back and force things to be as they once were.

That is why it is so important to let certain things go. To release them. To cut loose. People need to understand that no one is playing with marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Don't expect to get anything back, don't expect recognition for your efforts, don't expect for your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Complete the circle. Not out of pride, inability, or arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life.

Close the door. Change the record. Clean the house. Shake it off and get rid of the dust. Stop being who you were and become who you are. - P.C.

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There was a lump in my throat as I was reading this entry from Ate Honey's blog which echoed exactly the thoughts that I have been trying to shut out for several months now.

Because I have just come to realize that I will never be truly happy about where I am now if I never learn to accept that the past is already past, and that the best thing to do is look up and move forward.

"...Slowly, begin to realize that we could not go back and force things to be as they once were..."

For so long, I have been trying to take pieces of the past and struggling to string them together to give my life some sense of normalcy. I keep looking back to the "golden years" of my life, thinking how much better it all used to be. I couldn't accept all the many changes that are constantly thrown in my face. I wanted everything to go back to the way they were. I wanted to run back to the comforts of knowing where I stand, of being beside the people whose shadows I have always hidden under. While everyone else around me was finding out who he/she truly is and discovering more and more of himself, I keep myself tied to what used to be, afraid of never finding my way back in, afraid of moving on into turfs unknown.

I have always thought that who I was is so much better than who I am.

Stronghold.

"Complete the circle. Not out of pride, inability, or arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life..."

Now is the time to rise up, square my shoulders, and walk forward. I'll always remember the past - with a smile on my face, and maybe even on occasion let my tears flow freely for it - but I'll no longer waste more than moment in wishing for things that can never be again.

Closing a chapter in my life only means I am now faced with a fresh page to write new stories on.

All new. All fresh. All better.