.graduation thoughts.

Yesterday, we had the UPCM Class 2009 Graduation and Internship Closing Ceremonies at the UP Theater in UP Diliman. It was the culmination of five years (and just a year for some) of braving a grueling medical education together. As a class, what we were all working for was finally conferred upon us... the degree of Doctor of Medicine. It was the end of an era.

No offense to the people who worked hard in making this ceremony as seamless as possible (because it was definitely one of the better graduation rites I have seen), but yesterday was, for me, to say the least, anticlimactic.

I don't know why that was. During my high school graduation, I was bawling my eyes out at the end of the program and was hugging everyone in sight. The thought that I would probably not see my classmates again was a painful truth that was hovering in the air. The future looked scary and I felt alone facing it without the friends I had made in the past four years.

But yesterday, all I could feel was... nothing.

Now don't get me wrong. I met some of the best people and the truest friends a person could ever have in med school. They were not the most popular people in class (and neither was I, BTW); on the contrary, we were more often than not MIA during class activities. But these were the people I knew I could always count on no matter what, people who always had my back, people I was willing to do anything for. I will never trade them for anyone else. They were my friends and colleagues, and I love them to pieces, and I will definitely miss them. I'll miss hanging out with them in that easy and comfortable manner, exchanging witty quips and smart-alecky comments with them, ranting endlessly together about duties and workload and classmates and what-have-yous, discussing serious life issues and apprehensions about the future, and just being with them.

It wasn't that.

Maybe I would have felt differently if I graduated from med school with a bang. I mean, I can just imagine how high my outstanding classmates must have felt as they repeatedly climbed up the stage to receive their awards. I know, I know, this sounds like the bitter ramblings of an ordinary, average student, but it's really not. I am happy for my classmates, and I know that all the awards were more than well-deserved (Hi Dear! Congrats again!).

It wasn't that.

I really, really do not know what it was. I've hyped up my graduation so much to my family and friends, because I want them to feel just how much I appreciate them for simply being in my life during these times. I want to make sure my parents know how extremely grateful I am to them for pulling out all stops just to get me through med school.

Maybe it is because, after seven years, I still feel like I have not accomplished anything great. I am not talking about graduating with honors or something like that, because I never even dreamed of that from the start. It just feels like I didn't do anything special. I don't know if this will come off sounding egotistical, but it's quite humbling to think that I passed through the UP College of Medicine and no one even noticed. Was it all just a waste of time? I was listening to our Class Valedictorian, and though he did give us a good speech, I couldn't help thinking that he left a lot of significant things unsaid, and had I been given the opportunity, I would have said them. But I was, sadly, not in any position to do so. Because who am I to speak anyway? I never did anything extraordinary for the class. Even after seven years, I was still just one of the many nameless faces in the crowd.

Maybe because, deep down inside us, we all crave recognition. It does not exactly have to be in the same form with everyone, but admit it, we all desire it. We all want to our most heroic efforts to be noticed, no matter how much we deny it. We get disappointed when we pour out our hearts and souls into something, and no one even bothers to care. We feel hurt, cheated, and betrayed. We feel deprived of what is due us.

Looking back on the past few years of my life, I start to ask myself, "Was it all worth it?" All those sleepless nights, all the holidays I missed spending with my loved ones, all the energy poured into trying to help save the lives of people I barely know... do they even count for something? Did I gain anything in the process?

The answer, just now, is coming right at me. Yes, we do crave recognition. But the real question is, are we looking for it in the right places?

I realize now that my frustration stems from the fact that I tried too hard to gain that recognition from the people around me. I was never late for school or for duty, I did all my tasks to the best of my ability, I took care of my patients as well as I possibly could - and I got burnt out because no one cared enough to tell me how good a job I was doing. I felt like it was all for nothing.

Real recognition, however, comes from the inside. It is the security in knowing that all your efforts, whether people recognize them or not, are never in vain. It is the peace that comes with knowing that Someone so much greater than the most distinguished award-giving body in the world is pleased with you, is smiling upon you every single time, and loves you so much that He has given everything He has for you. It is the calmness in knowing that no one can ever nullify or revoke all the good seeds that you have been sowing, and that no one can hold back from you the abundant harvest that is sure to come. It is the serenity that comes with seeing change appear right before your eyes in the lives of the people you know you have somehow touched even in small ways, knowing that God has enabled you to do something special for them.

My good works may not have been enough to earn me a plaque of recognition from my College. I may have fallen short of their standards a lot of times, and I know a lot of other people are better than me in many aspects. I probably will not be voted "Favorite Classmate" anytime soon, and I am assuming that no one will erect a monument in my name.

But I don't care anymore. Let them have their share of fame and glory. Let them fight each other's heads off as they battle their way to the top.

I was trained to be so much more than that.

My God has recognized me, even before I was born. He knows me, He loves me, and He tells me that He is always pleased and happy with me. He has prepared the way for me, and is lovingly cheering me on every step of the way.

God's recognition is all I need to keep me going... and I know I already have it! That's the beauty of it. I am looking forward to hearing Him say to me, "Well done, my daughter, well done." Jesus is my more-than-enough Reward.

With my God, there is no way but up. Real promotion, after all, comes from Him alone.

BRING IT ON!!! Wooo-hoooo!


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I love you Dr. Paolo Victor Nartea Medina. Here's to the seven years of amazing friendship that we've shared, and to the countless years more! ;)