In Season

.small holiday.

2009-07-03T19:53:00.002+08:00

It's supposed to be the last day of my Patho review, and yet here I am typing who-knows-what on my computer, with a blank look on my face.

Hey, cut me some slack. I haven't written anything in ages.

I guess there's a certain charm to staying at home most of the time. I get to do things at my own pace, no one hurrying me (well, except Papa, whose personal clock is always 30 minutes fast), and nothing bothering me. I like the peace, the quiet, and the relaxing atmosphere at home.

But maybe sometimes, it gets too quiet.

I don't know. Ate has been married for several months already, and yet the reality of it is only sinking in now. It feels strange to not have her come barging in through my bedroom door when she comes home from the office just to say "Hi" and let me know she's arrived. The room across mine stays empty throughout the week, and the feeling of loneliness settles in when I enter to rummage through my Ate's stuff.

I have learned to look forward to weekends when she and Kuya Enos will be here again.

Don't get me wrong. Ate's wedding is definitely one of the happiest moments our family shared, and she couldn't have possibly found a better man to marry than Kuya Enos. Pero pagbigyan niyo na ko. Nag-iisang kapatid ko 'yun e.

I miss the old, carefree days so much. Yet, I know I can look forward to an even better future as our family continues expanding, growing.

I'll be seeing you soon Raine. Tita Len loves you so much already.

************************

I thought I wanted to write, but it seems like I've hit the wall. I wonder why. Beats me.

Oh well. That's enough small holiday for tonight.

.graduation thoughts.

2009-05-18T21:50:00.004+08:00

Yesterday, we had the UPCM Class 2009 Graduation and Internship Closing Ceremonies at the UP Theater in UP Diliman. It was the culmination of five years (and just a year for some) of braving a grueling medical education together. As a class, what we were all working for was finally conferred upon us... the degree of Doctor of Medicine. It was the end of an era.

No offense to the people who worked hard in making this ceremony as seamless as possible (because it was definitely one of the better graduation rites I have seen), but yesterday was, for me, to say the least, anticlimactic.

I don't know why that was. During my high school graduation, I was bawling my eyes out at the end of the program and was hugging everyone in sight. The thought that I would probably not see my classmates again was a painful truth that was hovering in the air. The future looked scary and I felt alone facing it without the friends I had made in the past four years.

But yesterday, all I could feel was... nothing.

Now don't get me wrong. I met some of the best people and the truest friends a person could ever have in med school. They were not the most popular people in class (and neither was I, BTW); on the contrary, we were more often than not MIA during class activities. But these were the people I knew I could always count on no matter what, people who always had my back, people I was willing to do anything for. I will never trade them for anyone else. They were my friends and colleagues, and I love them to pieces, and I will definitely miss them. I'll miss hanging out with them in that easy and comfortable manner, exchanging witty quips and smart-alecky comments with them, ranting endlessly together about duties and workload and classmates and what-have-yous, discussing serious life issues and apprehensions about the future, and just being with them.

It wasn't that.

Maybe I would have felt differently if I graduated from med school with a bang. I mean, I can just imagine how high my outstanding classmates must have felt as they repeatedly climbed up the stage to receive their awards. I know, I know, this sounds like the bitter ramblings of an ordinary, average student, but it's really not. I am happy for my classmates, and I know that all the awards were more than well-deserved (Hi Dear! Congrats again!).

It wasn't that.

I really, really do not know what it was. I've hyped up my graduation so much to my family and friends, because I want them to feel just how much I appreciate them for simply being in my life during these times. I want to make sure my parents know how extremely grateful I am to them for pulling out all stops just to get me through med school.

Maybe it is because, after seven years, I still feel like I have not accomplished anything great. I am not talking about graduating with honors or something like that, because I never even dreamed of that from the start. It just feels like I didn't do anything special. I don't know if this will come off sounding egotistical, but it's quite humbling to think that I passed through the UP College of Medicine and no one even noticed. Was it all just a waste of time? I was listening to our Class Valedictorian, and though he did give us a good speech, I couldn't help thinking that he left a lot of significant things unsaid, and had I been given the opportunity, I would have said them. But I was, sadly, not in any position to do so. Because who am I to speak anyway? I never did anything extraordinary for the class. Even after seven years, I was still just one of the many nameless faces in the crowd.

Maybe because, deep down inside us, we all crave recognition. It does not exactly have to be in the same form with everyone, but admit it, we all desire it. We all want to our most heroic efforts to be noticed, no matter how much we deny it. We get disappointed when we pour out our hearts and souls into something, and no one even bothers to care. We feel hurt, cheated, and betrayed. We feel deprived of what is due us.

Looking back on the past few years of my life, I start to ask myself, "Was it all worth it?" All those sleepless nights, all the holidays I missed spending with my loved ones, all the energy poured into trying to help save the lives of people I barely know... do they even count for something? Did I gain anything in the process?

The answer, just now, is coming right at me. Yes, we do crave recognition. But the real question is, are we looking for it in the right places?

I realize now that my frustration stems from the fact that I tried too hard to gain that recognition from the people around me. I was never late for school or for duty, I did all my tasks to the best of my ability, I took care of my patients as well as I possibly could - and I got burnt out because no one cared enough to tell me how good a job I was doing. I felt like it was all for nothing.

Real recognition, however, comes from the inside. It is the security in knowing that all your efforts, whether people recognize them or not, are never in vain. It is the peace that comes with knowing that Someone so much greater than the most distinguished award-giving body in the world is pleased with you, is smiling upon you every single time, and loves you so much that He has given everything He has for you. It is the calmness in knowing that no one can ever nullify or revoke all the good seeds that you have been sowing, and that no one can hold back from you the abundant harvest that is sure to come. It is the serenity that comes with seeing change appear right before your eyes in the lives of the people you know you have somehow touched even in small ways, knowing that God has enabled you to do something special for them.

My good works may not have been enough to earn me a plaque of recognition from my College. I may have fallen short of their standards a lot of times, and I know a lot of other people are better than me in many aspects. I probably will not be voted "Favorite Classmate" anytime soon, and I am assuming that no one will erect a monument in my name.

But I don't care anymore. Let them have their share of fame and glory. Let them fight each other's heads off as they battle their way to the top.

I was trained to be so much more than that.

My God has recognized me, even before I was born. He knows me, He loves me, and He tells me that He is always pleased and happy with me. He has prepared the way for me, and is lovingly cheering me on every step of the way.

God's recognition is all I need to keep me going... and I know I already have it! That's the beauty of it. I am looking forward to hearing Him say to me, "Well done, my daughter, well done." Jesus is my more-than-enough Reward.

With my God, there is no way but up. Real promotion, after all, comes from Him alone.

BRING IT ON!!! Wooo-hoooo!

****************************

I love you Dr. Paolo Victor Nartea Medina. Here's to the seven years of amazing friendship that we've shared, and to the countless years more! ;)

.for papa.

2009-05-11T17:13:00.002+08:00

This morning, I was fixing my room to give it some semblance of a decent study room in preparation for the intense hours of burning the midnight oil I have planned over the next few months. I was clearing my table and laying down books I planned to go over first when I realized that I did not have a good enough light to read under.

"Pa, may lampshade ba tayo? Medyo madilim kasi sa kwarto ko e."

I knew we didn't, and I was half wishing my dad would go and volunteer to buy me one. But he didn't.

Without wasting a single second, he made me one.

Using everyday materials we had lying around the house, Papa provided an extra light above my table. Now, I can read clearly, and we didn't have to spend a single cent. And my dad was still smiling after what I put him through.

When I was younger, I remember telling my mom that for the life of me, I could not imagine Papa courting her. With his strict and sometimes short temper, I simply could not picture him all sweet and tender towards my mom during the early days of their relationship. There were times during my teenage years when I resented him for imposing all kinds of rules on me and my Ate. I figured he just didn't want me to have fun. I kept him at an arm's length when it came to my personal life, and I never, NEVER, came to him when I was having boy troubles. He was just not THAT kind of a father.

Besides, we were so much alike. Papa and I both have the tendency to shut up and remain quiet when we get angry or frustrated. We both have trouble expressing our emotions, so we basically don't have a lot to talk about when it comes to personal matters.

Now that I am a little older, I am little by little beginning to see just what it was about Papa that made Mama fall so deeply in love with him.

One call is all it takes to have Papa come running to pick me up wherever I am. In all of my 23 years, I cannot remember even a single time when Papa gave me some lame excuse for why he couldn't. Wherever I am (and mind you, I've had Papa pick me up from pretty far places), whatever I am doing, I am always secure that Papa will be there to come for me in the event that I couldn't make it home by myself.

When I insist that I go home alone, I know I can expect Papa to still be waiting to open the door for me. Sure, he may be grouchy and mad when I stay out a little later than the agreed upon time, but he has never been one to hold grudges. And I never have the fear of being locked out. He always lets me in.

Even when he was working, I knew I could always count on my dad to provide whatever I needed. As a kid, I thought he was a magician. Anything I asked for would be ready and waiting for me the next morning. Special paper for an art project? You got it. Food for my field trip? All packed and ready to go. Unusual pet for the pet show at school? A turtle was waiting for me the next day. I didn't know how he pulled it off, but I didn't care. He could do just about anything. Balancing work and family life was never an issue for my parents.

And he never once complained.

As I got older, I knew there were times when I failed to show my dad just how much I appreciated him. I knew I hurt him more than once, but he never rubbed that in my face, even though he easily could. He just continued to give and give and give.

I watch him and I see sincerity and genuineness that extend even to people outside of our family.

Papa, in more ways than one, is the ideal boyfriend. He is never late for anything, shows up for all the important and even the not-so-important events of our lives, and always keeps his word. When Papa says he'll do something, you can bet your life on it that he'll get it done. He has braved all kinds of storms and what-have-yous just to be there for us. He never fails to get us whatever we ask for (as long as it is in his financial and physical capacity to do so), and sometimes even the things we don't ask for. He makes us laugh even in awkward moments, and surprises us with witty and light-hearted remarks even in the most trying of times. And every once in a while, he surprises us with some touching gesture for no reason at all.

Papa always puts us first. He gives his all just to ensure our happiness and comfort, and NEVER asks for anything in return. His utter selflessness makes him a hero in my eyes. Without saying a word, Papa has shown me what kind of a Father we have in heaven just by being like Him everyday.

I can just imagine him at 21, courting Mama. Being there for her at all costs. Investing much time and effort just to be with her (Papa is from Pampanga and Mama is from Pagsanjan...think about that). Making her family love him just as much (but maybe not in the same way) by considering them in his decisions, too. Maybe he didn't always know the right words to say, but I know he loved her in the best way he knew how - by giving of himself.

I know why Mama fell in love with him. And I'm glad she did. Because they went on to have me and my sister.

And with them as my parents, I just couldn't ask for anything more.

I'm proud of you Pa. I love you.

.reawakening.

2009-04-27T16:22:00.003+08:00

Earlier this afternoon, a blockmate and friend showed me an article from the Manila BUlletin that his dad wrote. It was noteworthy because surprise, surprise... it was about him.

Entitled "Our Son, The Graduate", the article virtually published the reflection paper Miguel wrote on his Palawan elective prior to clerkship year. It details much of his thoughts on public health, the misgivings of our current system, and what we, as young physicians in training, can do for the improvement of the entire nation's health care delivery system.

Funny thing. I was in that elective, too.

I told Miguel that the article almost reduced me to tears, and I was not exaggerating when I said that. I almost cried, not because the article was so gut-wrenchingly touching (although it is great), but because it triggered something in me that I thought I had long forgotten.

You see, way before I had managed to convince myself (at least I thought I had) that I wanted to become just another one of your typical white-coated doctors roaming the hospital halls, I actually wanted to become a community physician. Way back when I still had my ideals, my principles, and my convictions, I wanted to become something more than just your average clinician welcoming patients in well-lit, airconditioned rooms, getting paid big bucks for every word I say and every glitch I solve.

There was a time in my medical education when I wanted to change the world.

I really do not know what happened. I remember my third year in med proper when I was going crazy over the fact that I wanted to get involved in something public health-related and I absolutely had no idea how to begin. There were times when I purposely went to the COME office just to talk to Dr. Portia Marcelo and ask her about possible researches and projects I can do (all of which, sadly, by the way, did not yield any output). I was 100% convinced that hospital work was not for me... I was ready to kiss PGH goodbye as soon as I got my license.

Somewhere along the way, I got scared. Spending days and days in a less-than-ideal government hospital, where the most desperate of all people come expecting to receive the best treatment possible, the disappointment on their faces upon finding out the harsh reality of health care in PGH soon got to me. It didn't take long before I became jaded and discouraged by the sheer vastness of problems to be taken care of. The immensity of it all, compared to how helpless and small a single person like me seems to be, overwhelmed me. I lost faith in the power of passion. It just was not enough.

So I took the easy way out. I hardened myself to every voice crying out for help, and started to look out for myself. I cannot, CAN NOT, lay my life down for them at the risk of that amounting to nothing. I had to protect myself and the life I thought I wanted. It's a dog-eat-dog world, and the prize does not always go to the person who has the most noble intentions... the prize, more often than not, goes to the most cunning and deceitful minds. It's flawed, true, but it works. And I wanted a chance at that prize. At least, I thought I did. The easiest thing to do would be to cling to what seems to be "life-giving" and hold on tight, no matter how much it suffocates me. The problems of my country are not mine to solve. I may never see the changes in my lifetime anyway, so why bother? I wanted to see results, and I wanted them immediately. I decided to leave these things to my colleagues who know more about it and who appear to be more into it than I ever was, and turned my back completely on what I thought I could stand on.

But, no matter how much we try to bury it in our soul, our hearts' cry will always shout out.

The road less travelled is still an option, after all.

Most likely, I will still go into residency. Most likely, in a few years, I will probably even take up a subspecialty. Most likely, I will hold clinics in many private hospitals and make a very comfortable living off that. Most likely, I will have a stable job and all the comforts of life that that entails. Most likely, I will proudly wear my white coat and become your friendly neighborhood clinician.

Most likely.

But sometimes, the least likely happens.

************************************************************************

Dear, I know you have so many plans for the future, and I know sometimes you think I don't approve. But I do. I will support you in whatever you decide to do. I will always be here for you. We may have our differences and our paths may not always appear to cross, but just know that wherever your passion in life may take you, you'll always have me to come home to.

Besides, no matter what you say, I still take credit for why you fell in love with community medicine in the first place (think back to third year deawie...mwahahahaha!). You will never convince me otherwise. So when you begin to take big steps for the Philippines, the Philippines will have to thank me. And when the world honors you, then it honors me, too. Mwahahaha!

Kidding dear.

I love you Homi ko.

.seven years.

2009-04-25T21:30:00.007+08:00

With just 5 days to go before internship is over, indulge me as I go all sentimental and reminisce on the past seven years of my life.. the seven years I spent in med school.

Unlike most of my classmates, being in med school has never been that big a deal to me. It has never been the end-all, be-all of my existence. It was more like a stopover of sorts before I continue on toward my real destination in life. What THAT might be, your guess is as good as mine.

I still vividly remember my first few days in UP Manila as an Intarmed freshman. First year was, of course, scary and intimidating. I remember feeling insecure next to my "bigtime" classmates, all of whom graduated with honors from well-known science high schools and exclusive private schools. Intarmed was most definitely a humbling experience. Not as science-oriented as I would have liked, I failed my first few major exams, found myself "lost" during lectures, and basically just messed up lab activities. Like a splash of cold water right in my face, I realized I wasn't as brilliant as I thought. The Little Miss Stellar that I was in high school, apparently, no longer existed.

I figured I wouldn't survive, so I decided to take the easy way out. I made arrangements to shift back to my first love, which was Broadcast Communication. Everything was all set, but amazingly enough, that was not to be my fate. Somehow, a power much stronger than my frustrations kept me from bailing out - the power of true friendship. I was not alone. I made great friends who effortlessly managed make to make me smile and laugh every single day. And at that moment, that was enough to keep me going.

Second year was a bit simpler, if not easier. Getting the hang of my lessons, failed exams were getting to be fewer and farther in between (although they were still there). Time only served to strengthen the friendships that were established in the first year. I missed out on a lot of "fun" activities since I used to travelled back home every day, but that did not hinder me from becoming closer to the people I had learned to love. I was quite selective when it came to friends, and I picked the most beautiful gems of them all to share my life with. Stories were told, secrets were shared, moments were spent together, lessons were learned. Every day was another step taken in the journey that was not my own.

We soon entered the realm of medicine proper, a bit too young perhaps, but prepared nonetheless. We were thrown into a sea of 160 faces, 120 of which were older, wiser, and with much more academic experience than the 40 of us. Yet we just dove in and managed to merge with them beautifully. Third and fourth year crammed our minds with all the wonders of the human body, both physiologic and pathologic. Innumerable cups of coffee helped us to stay awake enough to make attempts at memorizing impossible amounts of information. Everyone tried to find his or her own way
of coping - this was the year when every student was either trying to get into a fraternity, sorority, or whatever organization, or delving into other non-medical activities. We all had to survive - and insanity was not an option.

We all did.

Fifth year was probably the lightest year of all. With our hospital exposure limited to the outpatient department, time management was no longer a problem. We learned much from our patients, but at the same time, we found ourselves with so much time on our hands. Suddenly, I could do whatever I wanted again. Around this time, I decided to throw myself fully into ministerial activities with our local church. I got involved, learned more of the Word, and allowed myself to be discipled by mature Christian leaders. It was amazing when I realized that I could be a medical student and a minister at the same time. I was learning about diseases, and at the same time growing in faith in my Divine Healer. I was maturing as a physician while developing my character as a Christian.

I now know why.

Sixth year, or Clinical Clerkship, came as quite a shock. From the benign ICC year we had, we were then confronted with more-than-24-hour duties filled with mind-boggling emergencies and patients dying almost everytime. We delivered babies, intubated unconscious patients, assisted with major operations, and performed advanced life support. We were doctors, but not quite yet. We still had to monitor entire wards, complete loads of paperwork, insert IV lines, catheters, and NGTs... and we had to balance all those things with academics. We had to learn. With everything we had to do, it was easy to lose our temper, yell at patients and their watchers, and ignore calls for help. We made shortcuts to make life easier for us. We had our first few glimpses of dehumanization, and we clutched on to it like a lifesaver to keep us sane.

I was no different from everyone else. I had my fair share of "poopy" moments that I would rather not remember. But somehow, I know it was the grace of God working in me that set me apart from all the rest. I was highly favored. I was blessed. I knew whatever happened, God was pleased with me. And that was what kept me going.

Internship, our seventh and last year, came soon enough. It was a lot like a repetition of clerkship, only this time, we had more responsibilities. We were privileged enough to have been allowed to wear the badge of "Dr." on our nameplates, but that came with much accountability. We were the first in line to assess and evaluate new patients, and somehow, our opinions seem to matter more now than they used to. We worked tirelessly with our residents, and at times even consultants, and we learned what it was like to be part of the medical team handling the patients. We also learned to work together. Med school is tough enough as it is, and to get through it alone is out of the question. With our tired and overworked minds and bodies yearning even for a slight reprieve from it all, heated arguments arose from division of labor, duty schedules, and such like, with resolutions of varying creativity coming up. Family time became even more precious as some holidays were still to be spent within the hospital walls. Internship asked a lot from us, and we gave in to much of its demands, sacrificing time for self and loved ones along the way, but I know we all got better for it.

And now, here we are. Just a few days away from the end of it all.

I will always remember UP College of Medicine for all that it has taught me. I will remember all the concepts I have learned (yeah, right!), the skills I have obtained from doing numerous procedures, and the courage I have developed in facing patients of different levels of toxicity.

But the UP College of Medicine will never be my home.

My home will always be in the hearts of the people who have, along the way, touched my life in such astounding ways, molding me to become the person I am now. In the past seven years, I have found friendships that stood the test of time, pressure, and diasagreements. I encountered colleagues and mentors who inspired me to dream big and expand my vision to go beyond the usual and the expected. I met patients who showed me that sickness will never be a hindrance to living a full and happy life. Realistically though, I also saw people who allowed depression and sadness to take over their whole beings, and I would hate to become like them. Most importantly, I learned to appreciate the unconditional love of my family that gives and gives, a love that I was only too eager to reciprocate. This is also the love that has extended beyond my immediate family to include the one I look forward to a beautiful tomorrow with. =.)

I used to think that for the past seven years, I have been working hard to make myself better. I used to believe that I had to work hard to ensure a good future for myself and for my family. I now know that I got it wrong. It has never been about me. I was never the center of it all. The truth is, it is God who has been working on me for the past seven years to bring me right to where I am now. He orchestrated everything so that I would meet the right people, learn the right things, and acquire all that is necessary to prepare me for the bigger tasks ahead. Med school was merely a stepping stone towards the real work that is up ahead. And with God on my side, guiding me all the way, success is definitely inevitable.

The assignment is quite daunting, but I would be nothing if not up to it. I am fully equipped. My God has made sure of that. With much faith, courage, and boldness, I am looking forward to taking the next step.

I am happy. I am strong. I am right where I am supposed to be.

It's about time I give something back.

.isang nobela para kay Ate.

2009-02-13T21:10:00.005+08:00

Sometimes, I wish we didn't have to grow old. That things could stay just the way they always have been. Growing old, or growing up for that matter, would always entail change.

************************
Growing up, my big sister was my idol. My mom used to dress us in these cute,little outfits that made us look like baby dolls, making sure that we were wearing identical clothes so that we wouldn't get jealous of each other. At the time, Ate towered over me by a good five inches at least, making me look like a squirt next to her. But I never minded. I was dressed like her and that was enough to tell me I looked good.

I grew up in her shadow, always being compared to her, but it never gave birth to any bitterness or jealousy in me. I always believed it was an honor. She was an achiever who excelled at everything she did. Being Eden's little sister was a gift from heaven... everybody immediately recognized me and I basked in the attention. I was proud of my Ate and was thankful that they associated me with someone as great as her.

I followed her around, thinking the world of her. I listened closely to whatever new expression she had picked up and repeated them the next day to my classmates. She had these crazy ideas about what to do during weekends, and I went along with every one of them. We played school, and she was always the teacher. We recorded our own voices and created our own plays and scripts, and she always took the role of the evil sister, or the bad mother, and I was always the pathetic little girl that everyone pushed around. I would always back her up as she sang as the lead vocalist. But I never minded. I would have jumped off a cliff with her if she had told me we could fly.

She was my protector. She stood up to kids who bullied me in school and would fight anyone who would dare hurt me. She would always be there in a flash whenever I needed her, never mind that she had classes of her own to attend to. Somehow, I always felt safer when I knew my Ate was somewhere nearby, within reach, just one call away. My teachers knew well enough to call her when I would get into some sort of trouble, or when I would get so upset and end up in a crying fit (which was often, by the way.. world's biggest crybaby here!).

It was Ate who fostered my love for reading. She started reading Sweet Valley Kids and Twins in elementary, and eventually, I followed suit. She wanted to make sure we owned a copy of every single book in the series... and soon, we pretty much did. Of course, we both outgrew Jessica and Elizabeth over time and moved on to other works of literature, but the bookworm that she had managed to bring out in me stayed, and up to now, nothing still beats curling up with a good book during my lazy days. It is to this love of reading that I attribute the fact that I can use English pretty well and have fun playing with words... I thank Ate for instilling that in me.

Soon, we grew tired of playing games and became what most parents dread... teenagers. But we never really gave our parents that much to worry about. We were good kids, pretty much. Ate was my best confidante. Unlike her, opening up about my life didn't come naturally. I envied the way she talked to our mom about anything (even boys!), but I just couldn't seem to do it as easily as she did. I pretty much kept personal things to myself. I would be falling hopelessy infatuated with someone or maybe even be heartbroken, and no one would be the wiser. I kept up a pretty good charade. However, her constant prodding and friendly questioning about my life soon broke through my wall and helped me to open up my world to her. I let her in, and she gladly entered. She offered wonderful words of wisdom, and would always laugh, cry, be angry, jealous or whatever I would be feeling, with me as she would see fit.

Of course, who can forget the times when I would wake up in the middle of the night and hear quiet sobs coming from beside me? Back when we shared a room, I witnessed much of Ate's heartbreaks and frustrations as I overheard (without meaning to) many phone conversations that ended in tears. Finding myself at loss for words, I would offer her nothing more than my arms for a hug, and she would gladly fall into my embrace, sobbing on my shoulders as I tried to comfort her as much as I could. I remember wanting to lash out at that person who had dared hurt my sister that much. Seeing her in tears usually broke me down a lot of times too, and soon, we'd both be crying. Then we'd laugh at how silly we both were, and then eventually fall back to sleep. I may be younger, but never have I felt more protective of anybody else than I have during these times of my sister.

As we both grew older, our paths somehow drifted apart. She began finding work in far and different places, and I started taking my med school more seriously. Our moments together became less and less. We each lived our own lives. And yet, through all these, I never doubted for a minute that my Ate's just around. I always want her to be among the first to share my joy, and I am honored when she does the same for me.

There is a bond between sisters that nothing can break. Ate and I have known each other our whole lives. We understand each other in ways that no one else can. We swap stories, share inside jokes with our equally twisted sense of humor (we make each other laugh... and no one else gets it), fight then make up, trade clothes and shoes,and get into each other's hair (and nerves!). We tell each other theories we make up in our minds about life in general, and attempt to psychoanalyze people and their actions. We share so many interests in common, and yet we are different enough so that our lives never get boring.

We dream dreams together, and having her there to agree with me and have faith with me increases my certainty that they will all come to pass.

After all these being said, I know without a shadow of a doubt that all these memories, no matter how beautiful and how fondly we look back on them, cannot even begin to compare to the more glorious future that lies ahead.

No matter what happens, and no matter how fast the winds of time bring their gusts of change to our lives, I know my Ate and I will never fail to be what we have always been from the very beginning... SISTERS.

Nothing in the world can beat that.

And right now, I could not be happier. :)

*********************************************

Here's to you Ate. I love you.

.first 2009 post.

2009-01-16T23:08:00.004+08:00

A good friend called attention to the fact that I haven't posted an entry for the new year yet. So here I am, half-asleep with eyes half-closed, attempting to come up with something halfway sensible. As yet, I have no idea what I'm going to write so I'm just going to ramble on and on. ;)

The beginning of the year most definitely made a mark on at least 150++ people on the planet. For five years (or seven for several of us), we have been known as UPCM Class 2009. Now it's finally here. The last few months. The homestretch. The end.

I can't tell you how good it makes me feel to actually have the end in sight. For so long it has been a struggle, a battle in the mind, on my part. To finally be graduating from the institution I've called home for seven years brings me, for lack of a better way to describe it, great relief. I cannot thank God enough. It's all by His grace that I am able to reach this point. However, with the clock ticking so loudly on my days in the College, the reality of facing the real world soon enough is also beginning to dawn on me.

I have no idea what I want to do afterwards.

Well, maybe I do. In the vaguest sense. But I still can't give a concrete answer when people ask me about it. For some reason, I just can't bring myself to be all enthusiastic about it for now. Not now when I am still trying to discover within myself what I want to do. Because somehow, I have this feeling that whatever decision I make in the next few months will be on the most major life choices I will ever have to make. Whatever I choose to do will change my life forever. And that's something I do not want to rush into.

Sometimes, I want to be just like everyone else. I want to start planning, to start looking into opportunities, and to start asking around about it. I want to be all set. But I am not. Not yet, anyway.

Something great lies ahead. I just know it.

**********************************

Sorry. I didn't want to dedicate an entire entry to med school, so I ended it quite abruptly. That was not how I wanted to start the year. After all, I've always looked as med school as merely something to go through. A training ground of sorts to prepare me in particular ways for the role that I am supposed to play in the Grander Scheme of things. I have never allowed it to define me, nor have I let it seep through my entire being so that it becomes the only thing that keeps me going.

**********************************

This Year 2009, I will...

...ENJOY MY LIFE! An unhappy life is not a life worth living. I choose to be happy no matter what.

...Take bolder, surer, and more confident steps toward the future.

...Not allow people or circumstances to dictate who I am and what I can or cannot do.

...Clear my mind of things that keep me up all night.

...Pick my dreams up from where I left them, dust them off, and begin to bring them to life once again.

...Put first things first.

...Make choices that matter.

...Strengthen my self-esteem.

...No longer blame myself for every single thing that seem to go wrong.

...Re-establish and revitalize relationships and create new ones.

...Appreciate people and focus on their strengths, rather than on their misgivings.

...Be generous with GRACE, not just with others, but even with myself.

...Put others first.

...LOVE MORE.

...UNDERSTAND MORE.

...GIVE, GIVE and GIVE.

...Learn what it truly means to submit.

...Not be easily offended.

...Not compare myself with others.

...Appreciate who I am and who I was made to be.

...Allow me to be me.

...LOVE PEOPLE TO JESUS.

***********************************************

Let's just hope everything goes according to plan.

Happy New Year to us all!

I love you Dear.

.celebration.

2008-12-26T18:58:00.003+08:00

It's the day after Christmas and finally, I'm home! I spent Christmas Day on duty in Ward 16 of PGH. If not for the constant greetings of "Merry Christmas!" from people I ran into, yesterday felt much like any other ordinary day. I spent Christmas monitoring hypertensive postpartum patients, listening for almost nonexistent fetal heart sounds from about 20-week pregnant women, and extracting body fluids from people I barely know. I almost forgot it was Christmas. The rest of my family trooped to Pampanga as was our yearly tradition, and I wasn't there with them. That bummed me out a little.

We did get to have our own little celebration though. All of us interns and the residents of Service B brought food and drinks to share for dinner. So we all got together at around 9pm, stuffed our faces with the feast we managed to put together (and a feast it definitely was!), and laughed at each other as people took turns at the Magic Sing. It somehow made our duty feel a bit more festive.

However, given the choice, it still wouldn't have been the way I wanted to celebrate Christmas. Of course, who would want to spend it in a hospital anyway? But Christmas, to me, will never be about the food and the festivities and the parties that instantly appear at every corner once the season starts to make its presence felt.

Christmas, first and foremost, will always be about Jesus. It's a time of remembering, not only that He was born, but that He came to be our Saviour, our Redeemer. We celebrate not just His birth, but that He died and rose again to give us life. CHRISTmas will never be Christmas without CHRIST, after all. Christmas is the day of remembering the manifestation of the greatest LOVE of all... that God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, Jesus, that whoever believes in Him will not perish, but have everlasting life. That's why it should be Christmas everyday.

However, society established it as a special day that comes once every year... and given the rarity with which it occurs, it's a day that I would much rather spend with people I love. It's supposed to be a day when everyone is off work or school, and an opportunity to be together after a year of minding our own businesses.

I love little celebrations. I like making people's small victories feel like it's the best thing that could happen to them. You could have won an oustanding award, or just simply learned something new, I still want you to feel like you deserve a grand celebration for what happened. But it doesn't have to be grand at all. For me, being together in moments of joy is the best way to celebrate. When you get right down to it, I am not really a party person. I would rather have intimate moments - like getting together for coffee with few of my closest friends, a sweet date just walking along the beach (or, technically... Manila Bay.. hehe. Hello Dear!), or a quiet dinner with family - than go to a party where the music is blasting out of gigantic speakers and the alcohol is making people act weird (and stupid).

That was how I wanted to spend Christmas. I wanted a celebration where I could simply be with people I love.

Because Christmas is always about LOVE. It was inspired by LOVE and so let's celebrate it the way it was meant to be.

Let's celebrate it with much LOVE.

***************************************

I will be welcoming Year 2009 in the Labor Room and Delivery Room of PGH. Yup, I'm on duty again on the 31st of December. Great.

Consolation. I will be seeing the very first PGH baby of 2009. Wow.

***************************************

Miss you much Dear. Sana SQTT na tayo soon. ;)

.post duty post. (warning: unedited)

2008-12-17T21:54:00.004+08:00

I am now officially about to begin my fourth week in OB-GYN. So far, I have been enjoying myself, although I am all the more convinced that this is really not the specialty for me. I have nothing against it in general. In fact, I find it fun and exciting at times. Really. I just can't see myself doing nothing but OB-GYN in the future.

I went on duty last night in Ward 15... and may I say benign? :) What with the nurses doing the monitoring for patients on q3, q4 and q shift (please see Lopao's blog for details.. hehe), I was left with only a single patient to monitor every two hours. The rest of the time, I was either staring off blankly into space or attempting to read my Williams. For the most part though, I was asleep. I was kind of concerned that the nurses may already be classifying me as just another slacker intern. But there really was nothing to do, so I just told myself to be thankful for little holidays. It's not everyday you get to sit down for majority of your duty.

When you think about it though, I really would rather have a relatively toxic duty compared to my very benign duty last night. For one, time flies faster when you're actually doing something (the 24 hours passed so slooooowly last night). Plus, I like the feeling of tiredness that comes after a very "active" duty. I like lying down in bed, freshly bathed, the aches in my muscles wearing away as I succumb to a sweet, sweet sleep. But more than that, I like the feeling of accomplishment that comes with a job well done on duty. Not to be arrogant, but I think I am a relatively decent intern, and I'd like to think that I do my responsibilities well enough. I may never be an outstanding intern for anything, but I know that with my performance, I'd get a few smiles from my superiors, colleagues, and patients alike, and that is enough for me.

****************************************

For quite a while now, I have been seriously questioning myself and my abilities. If I may be so bold (and negative at that), I feel like I have regressed to a certain level. There was a time in my life when I couldn't care less about what other people thought of me. That was a time when I had no desire whatsoever for recognition of all the good things I do. I just do them because the love in my heart wouldn't make me do otherwise. When I didn't bother with whatever other people did with their lives that made them happy because I was secure in the knowledge that I was also happy with whatever I was doing.

Blame it on the fact that I haven't been feeding my spirit lately with healthy Word-food. Lately, I find myself comparing myself with other people and ending up on the losing end. I don't remember anymore how it started... but it now feels like I've dug a hole and I keep burying myself deeper and deeper into it. I see other people's lives and envy them for the direction they seem to be going to. I feel jealous of their passions and how they manage to turn these passions into results even with all the other things they do.

I mean, come on. Look at me. What can I do? I am a medical student, but not really a remarkable one at that. I can barely hold my grasp on concepts together. I do my job fairly well enough, but who doesn't? A greater percentage of interns in PGH are responsible individuals. Slackers and scummers are just a handful (I think). I guess I can write, but a lot of other people can do that too, and even better. What makes me think I am special? I can carry a tune, but not well enough to sing in public and merit a thunderous applause from the listeners. I am not a terrible dancer, but I cannot do it well enough to do it competitively or professionally. I know how to play the guitar, but not creatively enough to concoct my own tunes from nothing.

I guess you can say I have been feeling quite... what's the word? Bland... and unspecial. Whatever I do, someone else does better. People I barely know regard me based on my relationships with people who they know better. They see me and immediately think of somebody else. My wisecracks? Probably influenced by my close friends at the moment. My plans for the future? Formulated because of what somebody else wants. My decisions? Based on other people's opinions.

I used to think of myself as a good person who can make others happy, but apparently, other people can do even that better that I can.

I just want to know who I am, show that to the world and be appreciated for that.

Things like this shouldn't be a struggle, right? Because knowing who you are and being that person should be effortless and natural. Because that's how you really were created to be. That's how you were made and designed. So why am I feeling like this? Listen to me. This is quite depressing.

Maybe it's because I have removed my eyes from the very Person that matters and started to turn my vision on the circumstances and people that surround me. I started to measure my worth based on what the world thinks is important.

But I am now being reminded of this very important thing. That my worth can only be determined by the price that God paid to redeem me. It is the greatest and most expensive price of all: the blood of His only Son, Jesus Christ. Who can compare to that? How can the King of kings and Lord of lords, Ruler of all, so majestic, pay so great a cost for someone like me?? It's astonishing, mind-boggling to say the least. It's too good to be true, and yet I just can't help but choose to believe it and receive with every inch of my being. It is consistent with who He is, and it defines exactly who I am.

I am His.

I have forgotten what it is like to be passionately, irrevocably in love with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. And I have failed to focus on the only thing that matters: that my Lord, my God, and my Savior is also very passionately and irrevocably in love with me. ME. The real me. My Jesus knows me inside out and still He loves me. Nothing I do will ever make him love me less. I cannot do anything to make Him disapprove of me and want to disqualify me. I am permanently etched in His mind and heart. Imagine that! He fashioned me so lovingly with His hands, equipping me with everything that I might need to thrive and conquer in this life, and filling me with all the potentials for happiness and success.

I have forgotten that His standards and the world's standards are very, very different... miles apart.

I have nothing to prove to the world because I do not owe the world anything. I do not have to compete with anyone for anybody's approval. I do not have to perform to get people to like me and appreciate me because in my Father's eyes I am already perfect. Why? Because of what Jesus did. He took my place. His grace is enough to make me sit next to the Father in the heavenly places. And nothing, nothing the world can offer, can ever beat that.

Who cares what they can do? Who cares what I can't do? I am called with a purpose, a purpose that is solely mine. There is no one else in this world who can fulfill whatever God has called me to because that is my place. That is my calling. That place is mine. Whatever happens, the gifts and the callings of God are without repentance. They can do whatever they want with their lives, but as for me (and my house!), we're going to serve the Lord. Everything I see in the world right now, they are all temporal. Dig deeply enough and you will find that every worldly attempt at success, fame and recognition is rooted at only one thing: selfishness. Self-preservation. Who wants to join a dirty rat race like that? I run my own course, and I run with my personal Trainor and Guide. They can have their fame and fortune. I have my Jesus, and with Him, I have everything. Literally, figuratively... spiritually, materially. Everything.

I will not be moved by what I see and what I feel.

I am His beloved. And that defines entirely who I am.

*********************************************

Hope this entry clears up some things Dear. Ehehe.

MOA dear. Be benign sa duty mo! Mwah! I love you.

*********************************************

.samutsari.

2008-11-27T20:41:00.003+08:00

Maybe some people are really meant to cross your life only once. You spend a short time with them, and then that's it. And all that's left with you are the memories of all the good times you've shared with them. Purely good. And you keep them alive in your heart, while at the back of your mind, there is always that painful possibility of never seeing them again.

That's Tita Mayet for us. And the entire Kuhonta family.

I will never forget you. Thank you for accepting us so warmly in your family. We love you... and we will always miss you.

************************

My Community Medicine rotation was over too soon. Now that I have already had my first day in OB-GYN, my 6 weeks in San Juan, Batangas now feels so much like a dream.

Cliche as it may seem, I learned so much in the past weeks. But it's not your typical, community-related learnings.

1. Every person has a story to tell. All he needs is someone who will listen.
2. Things become special when people believe they are special.
3. Nothing cheers up a home better than genuine laughter.
4. Kids will always be kids. The best we can do is let them be.
5. Let ourselves be kids too.
6. You don't have to have the answer to everything.
7. You just may have the answer to something.
8. Leaders come in different sizes, shapes and styles. Good perception sees the leader even in the quietest person.
9. One man's problem is everyone else's project.
10. A little love goes a long way.

These are just off the top of my head. My head (and my heart for that matter) is filled with so many memories of San Juan that I am too overwhelmed to put everything into words at present.

I am a simple person with simple pleasures. I love the simple life. I can live like this forever.

*************************

Today was my first day in OB-GYN. Once again, the familiar faces and places in the Department was thrown in my face with abrupt intensity. There, again hanging thick in the air, is the recurrent feeling of tension and nervousness that comes with every duty, every conference, and such like.

But I can do this. All by the grace of God. No need to fear.

************************

There is something weird in the air. I can't put a finger to it... But I think I need time to sort a few things out within myself. I have been feeling things I know I shouldn't feel and don't want to feel.. and I need to relearn how to control my emotions.

Thank You Lord for the wisdom.

************************

I wanted this to be a good entry... but it's not even halfway that. Oh well, maybe next time.

Love you Dear. Miss you much. MOA. Sorry I make it so hard for you sometimes. :)

.dear friend.

2008-11-09T20:12:00.003+08:00

Dear Friend,

It's been quite a while since we last spoke. Some things have changed since, I'm sure. I've changed. And I know you can attest for yourself that you have changed, too. That's something we can never stop from happening. But I believe that all these changes can only serve to make us better people, and even better friends.

It has taken me quite some time to get used to the fact that we are no longer together as much as we used to be. I've become used to being around you for so long that I had to get over quite a shock when it suddenly dawned on me that it's not like that anymore. You were practically my best friend. I don't know if I were ever that way to you, but yes, you were my best friend. I've shared so much of my life with you, and I hope that what you shared with me was also your way of making me a part of your life.

It saddens me to think that it may never be that way again... and so up to now, I refuse to accept that our friendship will have that tragic fate. Though we may be apart for now, I know that kindred spirits like us will never be separated for long. I look forward to the next moments that we get to spend together, like we used to.

I would like to think that I have grown up a lot. You would be proud of me, you know. There are so many aspects of life that I am just merely beginning to discover, and I am excited to find out more and more. My dreams are slowly but surely beginning to take shape, and somehow, I am starting to look forward to the glorious future that I am sure is in store for me. I am no longer scared of what lies ahead.. why should I be? It can only be great, after all. Why am I saying this to you? Because I just wanted to let you know that you have made a great contribution to the kind of person I have turned out to be.

As you enter into a new stage of life, I want you to know that I will always share in your joy. I know that you have been created to excel; the years I've witnessed of your life has left no room in my mind for doubting that. I'm sure that this point in your life will be no different. Like all the other journeys you've made and all the other battles you've won, I am certain that you will cruise through this new "endeavor" with much grace, faith, and love. Because that's who you are. That's who God created you to be.

You may not see me as often, and I may not always be present when the important milestones of your life occur... but know that I am just around. No matter what happens, no matter where life takes me, I'll always be your friend. That is a promise I intend to keep.

I miss you friend. I'll be watching you soar.

****************************************

.I Am.

2008-11-02T16:08:00.003+08:00

I love this song... I got this from my blockmate Joyce on one of our "doing-nothing-but-talking" nights in San Juan, Batangas.

Here's "I Am" by Nichole Nordeman.

************************************

Pencil marks on a wall
I wasn't always this tall
You scattered some monsters from beneath my bed
You watched my team win
You watched my team lose
You watched when my bicycle went down again

And when I was weak unable to speak
Still I could call You by name
And I said “Elbow healer, Superhero,come if You can”
And You said “I am”

Only 16, life is so mean
What kind of curfew is at ten PM
You saw my mistakes
You watched my heart break
Heard when I swore I’d never love again

When I was weak, unable to speak
Still I could call You by name
And I said “Heartache Healer, Secret-keeper, be my Best Friend”
And You said “I am”

You saw me wear white
By pale candlelight
I said forever to what lies ahead
Two kids and a dream
With kids that can scream too much it might seem when it’s two AM

When I am weak, unable to speak
Still I will call You by name
“Oh Shepherd, Savior, Pasture-maker, hold on to my hand”
And You say “I am.”

The winds of change and circumstance blow in and all around us
so we find a foothold that’s familiar
And bless the moments that we feel You nearer
Life had begun
I was woven and spun
You let the angels dance around the throne
Who can say when
But they’ll dance again, when I am free and finally headed home

I will be weak, unable to speak,
Still I will call You by name
“Creator, Maker, Life-sustainer,Comforter, Healer, My Redeemer,Lord and King, Beginning and the End, I am, yes, I am.”

********************************

I love you Dear. Missing you terribly. :)

.reflections on week 1.

2008-10-25T22:32:00.008+08:00

Just came back from San Juan, Batangas. I worked on my reflection paper earlier today, and I think medyo naging OA ako with details. Ang haba tuloy ng paper ko. Hehe. Anyway, tinatamad na ko gumawa ng separate blog entry, so to imitate Lops, post ko na lang din dito. Ang haba masyado e, I think ieedit ko pa to. Wehehe.

Here goes.

Reflection Paper, Week 1

Cluster 7

(Calubcub 1.0, Calubcub 2.0, Abung, Subukin)

To say that I had my apprehensions before we left for Batangas would be an understatement. All orientations in the world could hardly prepare us for the reality that is San Juan. Despite what anybody said, we already had our own preconceived notions of what Community Medicine would be like, and I am sure we all stubbornly chose to stick to those notions until we saw for ourselves the real thing.

Coming to San Juan on that humid noon made a wave of nostalgia wash over me, as I took in the sights and the sounds that made up the town proper. Having grown up spending months at a time in a provincial setting, I felt like a little kid all over again, about to spend her summer vacation at her grandmother’s house. Stepping foot into the Rural Health Unit jolted me back to where I really was and why I was there. We were warmly welcomed by Ate Lani, Kuya Zandro, and Ma’am Arlene, who all gave us a preview of what to expect and what would be expected of us for the next 5 weeks. It was most likely that at this point, there were questions in all of our eyes, questions no one knew how to ask, questions that could most probably only be answered as we all began to immerse ourselves in our respective communities. After listening to them orient us as comprehensively as they possibly can, we then met Dr. Alidio, the town’s Municipal Health Officer, who basically told us the same things and more. He appeared to be an authority on what he does, and I do look forward to working with him more as we continue our rotation.

We couldn’t put it off much longer; the time came for us to finally be dispersed into the four different communities that would be our home for the next few weeks. Nervous but excited, we were pair by pair delivered on to the doorsteps of our foster family’s homes. Another wave of nostalgia washed over me as we trudged along the path that led to Tita Mayet’s house. It was a compound of houses that provided homes to several different families (who were all probably related one way or another), with a wealth of poultry animals and pigs. It was a sight to behold. Tita Mayet’s house was a pleasant surprise, as it was amazingly comfortable, luxurious, and more than enough to keep us satisfied. The house’s charm, however, could not compare to that of Tita Mayet’s, who was, as we fondly described her, as “cool” as foster mothers could most probably be. Not the doting or fussy type, she mostly left us to fend for ourselves, being an elementary teacher who was out for the greater part of the day. However, she would spend time with us in the evenings, making fun of our sore inability to cook, laughing at our anecdotes of the day, sharing with us her inspiring stories of victory (which is another story in itself), and endearing herself to us forever. Coming home to her house in the afternoons is something that I have begun to look forward to everyday.

On our first day, Ate Cecil (one of Tita Mayet’s neighbors) accompanied us to the Barangay Hall and Health Center of Calubcob 1.0. We met the Barangay Captain, who regaled us with stories of previous interns who had come to them. Joyce and I made up our minds right then and there that we would definitely make it our personal goal to establish a good relationship with him and the people of this barangay. We also had our initial encounter with Tita Sabel, the barangay’s midwife, and the Tuesday group of BHWs. They all smiled warmly at us and after brief introductions and talks of what we would be doing the next day. We immediately asked about the cluster meeting that was endorsed to us by the previous block. We knew we would be unable to start anything until after that meeting, so Tita Sabel decided to set a schedule for it as soon as possible (it is now set for Tuesday, Oct 28, 2pm). After saying our goodbyes, we went back home to rest up for the day.

As was agreed upon, we showed up at the BHC the next day for the ECG and Acupunture sponsored by the local congressman. After meeting more BHWs and spending some time with them, we eventually realized that we had no role to play in that particular activity, so we decided to proceed to the other barangays and get to know the people there. Remembering that Tita Sabel mentioned an EPI to be held at Calubcub 2.0 that day, we decided to make that our first stop. Two patients, both pediatric, came for consultation. We assessed and managed these patients, one as a case of viral URTI, and the other of lymphadenitis vs. parotitis. Tita Sabel expertly handled the immunizations and prenatal checkups. I learned about SLK (sampalok, luya, kalamansi) syrup, which I prescribed to our patient with the URTI for cough relief. It was at that point when I realized that we had to learn more about alternative and herbal medicines, since the center couldn’t possibly have a supply of all the medications that patients might need, and the nearest drugstore was not easily accessible to the townspeople. Western medicine can be expensive, and could possibly be an unnecessary expense if there are alternative but equally effective treatments available.

We wanted to go to Subukin and Abung, but was hindered in doing so when we were told that Tita Ditas, the midwife of these two barangays, was unavailable at the moment for she was handling a delivery (which, disappointingly, we were not able to come to – we wanted to meet her right away to tell her that we want to come along with her on her deliveries). The BHWs of Abung, on the other hand, were still in Calubcub 1.0 for the ECG thing, so we decided to put it off for another day.

The next day was spent holding clinics at Calubcub 1.0; however, only one patient, a case of bronchial asthma, showed up for consultation. The BHWs took care of the vital signs part of the examination, but failed to fill up the form for the danger signs. We were wondering how to respectfully tell them to fill it up, knowing that they’ve already undergone the training for it, but lacking confidence, we decided to let it slip this one time. However, we decided that we will be more firm in the coming days. The best way to gauge if the training they went through was truly effective is to see them apply it properly in their daily duties at the center.

We spent most of the day listening to the BHWs chat about their daily lives. Every once in a while, they would ask us to correlate medically the things they deal with everyday, such as stress, hypertension, and even pregnancy. They also gave much ado over this magnetic bracelet that was sold the previous day at the ECG and Acupunture (costs ranged from P2500 to P5000). They talked of choosing to buy the bracelet over buying maintainance medications for hypertension and high cholesterol levels, believing it to be more effective. It was disheartening. However, we couldn’t impose our knowledge on them since they didn’t ask. Personally, I am all for alternative medicine. I have practiced acupuncture in the past and believe in its therapeutic benefits. But to believe that a magnetic bracelet could become a substitute for other medications could only be detrimental to these people’s health. Health is a right – people, whether they are aware of it or not, actually do lay claim on that right by doing what they believe is best for them. But it is right knowledge that leads to right decisions. In part, it is our responsibility to share what we know with them, so that they may be able to make wise health decisions for themselves. Access to health care once they've made their decision is another issue altogether.

The rest of the week was generally the same – getting to know the people of the barangay, their health-seeking behavior, their lifestyle, and more. It feels much like being invited to take part in a play where all the parts have already been decided and we were just but mere additions to the already colorful exhibit. Cluster 7 is a fully functional group of barangays – but that’s not to say that there’s no more room for improvement. I still hold the same beliefs – the changes that might happen won’t probably be so drastic that concrete improvements can be seen immediately, but I sincerely believe that subtly, slowly, we are making progress in working together with the community for the betterment of the health and health care situation of the people of San Juan, Batangas.

*******************

MOA ako kapag asa San Juan beh. Super! Mwah!

.i am free.

2008-10-12T17:35:00.005+08:00

It took me quite a while to get to one of my greatest life's conclusions, but I am finally here. Are you ready for this?

I am happy.

Yes, that's right, I definitely am. After long months over agonizing about not being where I really want to be, I finally realized that I can only be as happy as I choose to be. And now, I decide that I am going to choose to be at my happiest every single day.

Without realizing it, I have come to the point where dissatisfaction became my security blanket... My excuse for not doing my assignment with much joy and passion. I did everything halfheartedly, thinking that I am not where I am supposed to be anyway, and blaming everything around me but myself. I rushed through situations and experiences, wishing my days to go faster than they should just so I could already get to the end of this particular journey. Unhappiness became my friend and mediocrity my confidante. It seeped through my entire being until I grew so accustomed to it that I felt like something was missing when I didn't have something to be miserable about.

It was a tiring way to live.

I have never felt so free before in my life. Learning and understanding the grace of God, the finished work of the Lord Jesus Christ, has set me free.

I am already complete in Christ. Nothing missing, nothing broken. Whole.

I don't have to work to please other people. What they think about me does not matter. I know my God loves me and is pleased with me no matter what... That's more than enough.

I am created in the image and likeness of God. When I begin to forget who I really am, I look into the mirror of the Word of God and see myself clearly. I am who God says I am.

I can be happy and not feel guilty about it.

I will not apologize for being blessed and highly favored because that's what I am. Can I help it if my God wants me to enjoy life?

I will celebrate life the way it is supposed to be celebrated. And I welcome anyone who wants to join me in the festivities.

I love my family and friends and I will do whatever it takes to be a blessing to them... But I refuse to allow my life to be controlled by anyone else other than the God-and-me tandem.

I do what I do because it's a gift from God. And my God who loves me has not (and never will) give me an assignment that I cannot enjoy.

I have a led a great life in the past... but I look forward to so much more. Living in the NOW is the best thing I can decide to do.. for NOW.

I will remove the phrase, "I didn't have a choice" in my book. I refuse to let anything happen in my life that I did not choose to do... When something beyond my control does happen, I know I can still CHOOSE to rest and trust in God.

Jesus paid it all. Jesus loves me.

I am free. I am free. I AM FREE.

Glory to God!

.post dooty post.

2008-09-19T21:40:00.004+08:00

I am now in the last leg of my 2-month Pediatrics rotation. I will be spending the next 2 weeks in the Pedia ER, and then I shall be done with the Department forever.

Or maybe not.

I don't know. I haven't admitted it to anyone, but these past few weeks, I have been enjoying myself despite all the toxicities that come with the rotation. More than once, I have had to go on every-other-day duties in order to make adjustments for the lack of manpower we are currently experiencing in our block. I have experienced having to stay overtime with my blockmates in the wards, the delivery room, and in the neonatal intensive care unit, just to ensure that all our assigned work are done. I've pushed stretchers, bassinets, and oxygen tanks. I've facilitated requests for blood, laboratories, and other things a bantay ought to be doing.

It gets so tiring sometimes that I fall asleep the instant my back hits the bed (that's why I make sure to never lie down until after I take a bath.. hehe) and wake up just in time to go back to PGH again. I've lost much weight over the past few weeks that my mom demanded to take me out to dinner the last time they came over to bring my stuff and visit me.

Every single day, I can find something to complain about - the workload, the orders that come at you left and right, the overload of patients - and yet every day, I know I can also find something to smile about.

For quite some time now, I have been entertaining the idea of taking some time off after graduation and after the board exams. I've been wanting to take a break from medicine and use up some time to discover myself, plunge into other activities in an effort to find out what I really want to do with my life, and recapture a positive attitude towards life and work.

But now... maybe I don't want to do that.

I am not saying with certainty that I do want to go into Pediatrics. There are still some aspects of the specialty that leave me having second thoughts about doing it for the rest of my life. I still do not want a lifestyle that will cost me too much time away from my family (both the present and the future), my church, and everything else that I hold dear.

What I am gradually discovering is that maybe I do want to practice medicine after all. Maybe I am slowly beginning to see myself immersed in the profession. Maybe I am starting to realize that there is a higher purpose to everything, that there is a bigger picture worth considering. Maybe, it is beginning to sink in that I truly am made for this, right from the very start.

I believe God has been leading me up to this point the whole time. And the journey is not over yet.

I am pretty much a simple person. Little things bring me great joy, and little celebrations of life constitute much of my everyday happiness. Most of the time, I do not understand how the complexities of the world work, but that suits me just fine. I do not seek to change the world, but I know that as I continue working on changing myself for the better, things around me will also little by little begin to change.

Every day, I try to be a good daughter (really working on that! hehe), a good sister (miss you ate!), and a good friend (and a good girlfriend, too!). These are the things that are important to me. It becomes easier when I acknowledge that all these things come through the grace of God, that it is never by my own efforts that I am able to do the things that I do. Everything I need to be able to fulfill all these roles perfectly have already been deposited on the inside of me by God. Everything has already been accounted for by the finished work of Jesus Christ.

I therefore conclude... I already have what it takes to be a good doctor.

It's all here. On the inside of me. And it's been here the whole time. Waiting to be discovered. Waiting to be released.

Glory to God!

***************************

Miss you dear. I know you're loving Community Medicine... pero uuwi ka pa din ha? hehe.

Love you my homi.

MOA.

.wala na namang magawa.

2008-08-31T19:30:00.004+08:00

Post duty ako. E nagising ako nung dumating sina Mama at Papa e. Tas hindi na ko makatulog ulit. Kaya eto. Hehe. Got this from my friend Norman's blog. (Thanks Norman!)

1. What do you say most when you're trying not to curse?
I really don't curse... never did, never want to. So when i'm not pleased with something, I go "Awww... shucks!" or "OMG!" (as in oh my goolai!)

2. Do You Own An Ipod?
Alarmingly, no. Really, really want one, though. (*hint, hint*)

3. What Person On Your Top 8 on Myspace Do You Talk To The Most?
I don't have a myspace profile.

4. What Time Is Your Alarm Clock Set To?
5:30 am. Then I keep snoozing until 6:15.

5. Do You Want To Fall In Love?
Already did. Now we're growing in it. naks. ;)

6. Do You Wear Flip-Flops When It's Cold?
I wear flipflops anytime.

7. Would You Rather Take The Picture Or Be In The Picture?
BE IN THE PICTURE!! Of course! hehe.

8. What Was The Last Movie You Watched?
AVSL. A Very Special Love. Mwahahaha!

9. Do Any Of Your Friends Have Children?
Yep.

10. Has Anyone Ever Called You Lazy?
Yes. My mom. Hahahaha!

11. Do You Ever Take Medication To Help You Fall Asleep?
Nope. Spending more than 24 hours in PGH is enough to make you fall asleep anytime possible. and i mean ANYTIME.

12. Do You Prefer Regular Or Chocolate Milk?
Chocolate milk! I love having Chuckie with breakfast. :)

13. Has Anyone Told You A Secret This Week?
I think so.. on one of my gab sessions with a blockmate.

14. When Was The Last Time You Had Starbucks?
Ang tagal nang hindeeee!!!! I want, i want!

15. Can You Whistle?
in a very funny way... hehe. pilit na pilit.

16. Do You Have A Trampoline In Your Back Yard?
nope. no backyard nga e. always wanted one, though. both the trampoline AND the backyard.

17. Do You Think People Talk About You Behind Your Back?
oh, definitely. ganun talaga kapag sikat ka at maganda. keri lang. mwahahahaha! kidding.

19. Did You Watch Cartoons As A Child?
siyempre naman!

20. What Movie Do You Know Every Line To?
probably the eternal Titanic. and Moulin Rouge. and i think i've memorized every episode of Friends. adik.

23. Do You Own Any Band T-Shirts?
Faithmusic Manila. Hehe. ;)

24. What Is Your Favorite Salad Dressing?
Caesar's. Or hundred island. yun lang alam ko e. simpleng mamamayan. ehehe.

25. Is anyone in love with you?
Yes. =.)

26. Do You Do Your Own Dishes?
Have to sa apartment. kapag asa bahay, minsan-minsan lang. nagpapaka-senyorita, di naman bagay. wehehe.

27. Ever Cry In Public?
Ay.. OO.

30. Do you think you could ever be in love?
Definitely.

31. Would You Ever Date Anyone Covered In Tattoos?
Ayaw ko. Di siya makakapagdonate ng blood sa blood bank.

32. What Did You Do Before This?
natulog.

33. When Was The Last Time You Slept On The Floor?
last time ata na nakauwi ako sa 'min. i fall asleep on the living room floor every time.

34. How Many Hours Of Sleep Do You Need To Function?
Learned how to function even with no sleep e... pero medyo bangag. Give me at least an hour's worth of sleep, ok na ko. pero walang manggugulo kapag post duty na ko!!!! Hehe.

35. Do you eat breakfast daily?
Nope. have to make do with just cookies and milk sometimes.

36. Are Your Days Full And Fast Paced?
sometimes. sometimes it feels real slow. these days, tatlo na lang ang araw para sa akin... pre-duty, duty, post-duty. i easily lose track of what day of the week it is nowadays.

37. What are you doing right now?aside from this?
listening to music and trying to shut out other thoughts.

38. Do you use sarcasm?
a lot. nakakainis na nga ata ako minsan e.

39. Have You Ever Been In A Fight?
Yep.

40. Are You Picky About Spelling And Grammar?
Yes, I am.

41. Have You Ever Been To Six Flags?
Ano un? igno.

42. Have you ever got beaten up?
No!!

43. Do you like Rain or Sun?
Rain. definitely. but only when im indoors and wrapped up in a thick blanket, watching a feel-good movie, with a cup of coffee or hot chocolate in hand. tagal ko nang hindi nagagawa un. just don't like wading in floodwaters. hehe.

44. Do You Get Along Better With The Same Sex Or The Opposite?
i think i make friends with guys easier... mas madali kasi makipagbiruan sa kanila. instant rapport. di ko kasi masyado nakakasundo 'yung mga tipong super girly na girls. wehehehe. basta ganun. i love having girlfriends na nakakausap ko ng matino tungkol sa mga seryosong bagay.. at pinipili ko lang ang mga kinakausap ko ng ganun.

45. Do you like mustard?
Yup yup! loads of it on a hotdog sandwich.

46. Do You Sleep On Your Side, Stomach, Or Back?
malikot daw ako matulog e... but i'm most comfortable on my side.

47. Do You Watch The news?
yep yep.. lalo na kapag wala nang ibang mapanood.

48. How Did You Get One Of Your Scars?
the one on my right upper lid... got it by hitting my head on the corner of a coffee table when i was about 4 years old. malikot!

49. Who Was The Last Person To Make You Mad?
Sikreto ko na 'yun!

50. Do you like anyone?
i like lots of people. ;)

51. What Is The Last Thing You Purchased?
Scrubs from ate rose!!! hehe. i call them my happy scrubs... binili ko un after feeling so bad and drained after one of my ward patients died. so i splurged on scrubs! hehe.

.thinking out loud.

2008-08-25T20:23:00.005+08:00

Congratulations to my dear dear Ate Kat who now has the official right to append MD to her name... I am soooooo proud of you Ate. Maybe even more so because I know you outside of med school. I know you were an excellent student (Most Outstanding Intern ba naman.. san ka pa?), but I think you are an even more outstanding person. Ate Honey was right about you in what she wrote in her blog. You are an inspiration Ate.. Thank you so much! I am so happy for you Doc Ate Kat! ;)

**************************

It's been a while since I last wrote something that wasn't so gut-wrenchingly dramatic. I was going over my past entries and I couldn't help but cringe. Hehe. Masyado ko kasing kinukumplika ang buhay ko, e pwede namang gawing simple at masaya. Keri lang lagi. The joy of the Lord is my strength. ;)

**************************

I'm currently rotating in Pediatrics, finishing my 1st week in Ward 9. Wala pa akong masabi. So far, ok naman. The first two weeks in OPD and ER (as relievers) went well, but they were not really that special, to say the least. Nag-enjoy naman ako, especially kapag may Cute Baby patient ako (3 clinics yan e.. Well Baby, Sick Child, and Cute Baby... hehe. Kidding). It gave me a rush to find out that I diagnosed my patient correctly and thought of the right work up for his condition. Pero ewan. Napapaisip pa din ako if I want to do this forever. Hmm. Maybe I should just leave Pedia to Lops instead. I should think of a new automatic answer na to anyone who asks. Hehe. ;)

Ward duties are tiring as always. I just got off an every-other-day duty and feeling ko ubos ang energy ko. Hehe. And I really really DO NOT like the monitoring post. Ewan ko. It's not that it's a waste of time. I mean, there are anecdotal incidents where allegedly stable patients were found coded or at least, with deranged vital signs after a few hours of not being monitored. Draining lang din siguro talaga ikutan mag-isa ang isang buong ward with about 45 patients. Tas ang dami pang mga magulang na magtatanong sa 'yo tungkol sa anak nila, e most of the time naman, hindi mo talaga kilala yung pasyente nila kasi sa ibang service sila. Nagmomonitor ka lang talaga. Kaya ang hirap sumagot. Baka mamaya kung ano pa masabi mong mali.

Actually, ang totoo nyan, pinaka-kinakabahan ako kapag monitoring ako. Lalo na kapag maraming Q1 patients. I still have one very very clear memory of a monitoring moment gone wrong... hindi biro yun kasi namatay yung pasyente in the end. I hate feeling like it's your fault the patient died. I never forgot that that patient. As in. Another baby died on us last duty, and let me tell you... it wasn't a good feeling doing chest compressions on a premature 2-day old baby girl... and then seeing her eventually die. It wasn't nice hearing our residents tell the bantay (who wasn't the mother, BTW.. the mother left to take care of other things for the baby) that we already did everything we could. And it especially didn't help to see a little bundle wrapped in cloth still lying there a few hours after the incident, still waiting for its mother to find it dead.

The other day, one of our clerks who was on monitoring post was hitting herself with the thought that it was her fault that one of the babies died. The baby coded before 7am that morning and she was seen by the clerk last at 5:30 am. I consoled her, saying, "Hindi mo naman kasalanan na namatay siya e. Toxic na talaga siya in the first place. Ginawa mo naman kung ano ang dapat mong gawin e. Hindi mo kasalanan yun, wag mong sisihin ung sarili mo."

And yet up to now, a small part of me still blames myself for that patient in IM ward who died because I did not refer when I found her dyspneic a few minutes before she coded and eventually died.

I do not like wards where patients can die anytime. Kaya ayaw ko na ata mag-Pedia. Gusto ko buhay ang mga pasyente ko. Gusto ko masaya sila kapag pupunta sila sa 'kin. Pwede bang ganun? Hehe.

****************************

At oo nga pala. May kapatid na 'yung anak kong si Carl from Ward 9 din last year. Si Baby Ashley ko. Aampunin ko na 'yun. Pano inabandona na siya ng ina. 3 months na siya sa ward. Anak ko na lang 'yun. Kaya lang wala pa silang ama... ayaw pumayag e. Sige na Lops, ampunin na natin. Wehehe. Kidding. Pero love ko na 'yun si Ashley. Sobra.

****************************

Nakakatuwa kasi last week nakausap ko si Ate Mariael. Aside from the fact na ang tagal-tagal na naming hindi nag-uusap ng ganun, masaya pa talaga kasi 'yung pinag-usapan namin. Well, I'm not going to do anything drastic naman anytime soon, pero at least I have a vague idea of what I want to do in the very near future.

Thank God for friends like you Ate.

****************************

At salamat din sa aking pamilya na kahit lagi kong tinutulugan ay hindi pa rin nagsasawang suportahan ako sa kahit anong ginagawa ko.

I can think of no better model of God's unconditional love than you guys. Mahal na mahal na mahal ko po kayo. Maraming salamat po! ;)

***************************

And here's to coming full circle m'love. I love you Homi ko. ;)

***************************

.pambawi sa ranting.

2008-08-16T11:25:00.002+08:00

My, my, my. That was one depressing entry. And I apologize for it.

I have just come to realize that I have subconsciously allowed other people to direct my choices and control my happiness. But it shouldn't be so.

"I think the problem is that we've confused joy with happiness. Happiness is dependent on happenings. Circumstances in your life dictate whether or not you are happy. Joy, on the other hand is a gift from God - a fruit of the Spirit that transcends whatever is happening in your life. Joy allows you to rise —even to soar— above difficult circumstances, challenges, and heartaches. Joy comes from knowing Who is in control and that He has a plan to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11) We do not draw our strength from the great feeling we get when things go right; if we did, we would be powerless when hard times and adversity hit, and we would all be easy pickings for the devil. No, it is the joy of the Lord that is our strength!" ~Alan Riley~

Life is good. I choose to be happy.

**********************************

All of my life, in every season, you are still God. I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship.

.ranting.

2008-08-16T10:11:00.002+08:00

I hate being late.

As far as I can remember, I have always made it a point to come to classes on time, meet appointments right on the dot, and be at the place about 5 minutes before the agreed upon time. Whether that is just good manners or a sign of the obsessive-compulsive disorder, I cannot tell. All I know is that I get agitated when things don't happen at the time that they are supposed to.

I have practiced this all my life. Meeting deadlines for school projects, submitting requirements, arriving where I'm expected... I have grown used to being the first person to come in group meetings. I don't know. I probably learned it from my dad, who sets the all the clocks at home 30 minutes advanced to ensure that we will never be late wherever we have to go.

Maybe that's why I always make sure everything in my life happens exactly when it is supposed to happen, even if it means rushing through some things and giving up quality for the sake of meeting the deadline I have set for myself.

It is a very tiring and draining way to live.

*********************************

I admit it. I am jealous.

I am jealous of people who know what they want to do in life and then they do it.

I am jealous of people who have the courage to turn their backs on what is expected of them in order to pursue with much certainty and assurance the dreams that are fervently burning in their hearts.

I am jealous of people who thrive in their current positions because the decisions they have made have led them there.

And I am just realizing how incredibly pathetic this piece is... because I am sitting here, ranting about all these things, when I could be out there, doing something to change the way things are going.

******************************

No matter how it looks like... I AM GETTING THERE.

And nothing can stop God's plan from coming to pass.

Though everything has changed... my God hasn't. And I am still BEAUTIFUL IN HIS SIGHT. To everything, there is a SEASON. He has made everything beautiful in His time.

I am still the RIGHTEOUSNESS OF GOD IN CHRIST JESUS.

******************************

.moving forward.

2008-08-09T08:26:00.003+08:00

Taken from Ate Honey's blog:

It's always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn't matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over. Slowly, begin to realize that we could not go back and force things to be as they once were.

That is why it is so important to let certain things go. To release them. To cut loose. People need to understand that no one is playing with marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Don't expect to get anything back, don't expect recognition for your efforts, don't expect for your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Complete the circle. Not out of pride, inability, or arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life.

Close the door. Change the record. Clean the house. Shake it off and get rid of the dust. Stop being who you were and become who you are. - P.C.

***************************

There was a lump in my throat as I was reading this entry from Ate Honey's blog which echoed exactly the thoughts that I have been trying to shut out for several months now.

Because I have just come to realize that I will never be truly happy about where I am now if I never learn to accept that the past is already past, and that the best thing to do is look up and move forward.

"...Slowly, begin to realize that we could not go back and force things to be as they once were..."

For so long, I have been trying to take pieces of the past and struggling to string them together to give my life some sense of normalcy. I keep looking back to the "golden years" of my life, thinking how much better it all used to be. I couldn't accept all the many changes that are constantly thrown in my face. I wanted everything to go back to the way they were. I wanted to run back to the comforts of knowing where I stand, of being beside the people whose shadows I have always hidden under. While everyone else around me was finding out who he/she truly is and discovering more and more of himself, I keep myself tied to what used to be, afraid of never finding my way back in, afraid of moving on into turfs unknown.

I have always thought that who I was is so much better than who I am.

Stronghold.

"Complete the circle. Not out of pride, inability, or arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life..."

Now is the time to rise up, square my shoulders, and walk forward. I'll always remember the past - with a smile on my face, and maybe even on occasion let my tears flow freely for it - but I'll no longer waste more than moment in wishing for things that can never be again.

Closing a chapter in my life only means I am now faced with a fresh page to write new stories on.

All new. All fresh. All better.

.the promise.

2008-07-20T17:09:00.003+08:00

A blockmate and close friend once told me that "The Promise" by Martin Nievera was his song for his sweet little four-year-old daughter. He would always sing it with much fervor and feeling whenever we would go out to videoke as a block. I've known the song since high school, but I have never had the chance to really listen to and hear the song until this morning.

Say goodbye
When I can barely say goodnight
If I can hardly take my eyes from yours
How far can I go?

Walk away
The thought would never cross my mind
I couldn't turn my back on Spring or Fall
Your smile least of all

When I say always
I mean forever
I trust tomorrow as much as today
I am not afraid to say I love you
And I promise you
I'll never say goodbye

We're dancers
On a crowded floor
While other dancers leave from song to song
Our music goes on
On and on

And if I never leave your arms
I really would have traveled everywhere
For my world is there

When I say always
I mean forever
I trust tomorrow as much today
I am not afraid to say I love you
And I promise you
I'll never say goodbye

**********************

At the risk of sounding cheesy...

Dear, when I say always, I mean forever...

**********************

Sorry. I just thought that it was incredibly moving for a father to have a special song for his daughter. And the song... it's just the sweetest. I'd like to borrow it sometime if you won't mind Gil. ;)

**********************

I don't want to talk about med school na muna. Glory to God, I'm doing fine, everything's all right. To all my friends and family, I look forward to being with you again. Thanks for being there for me through all these years. Konti na lang, graduation na! All glory to God and to Him alone.

**********************

.glory to God.

2008-06-09T20:02:00.002+08:00

Have you ever felt like doing something that no one expects of you, taking everybody by surprise? That there's this whole different person inside of you, the real you, screaming out and just waiting for the perfect opportunity to manifest herself and show the world what she's made of?

I want to make something of my life... if not for myself, then for all of the people who have somehow helped me to become the person that I am now. I want them to know that all their efforts have not been in vain. I am good ground into whom they have sown their significant seeds.

But most of all, I want to show the world that with God, all things are possible. I want to take the world by surprise and show them that God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put shame to the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty... for the message of the Cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved, it is the power of God. (1 Cor. 1)

I don't have to prove myself to anyone... But I want God to see that He can prove me and find me exactly as He wants me to be.

To God be all the glory!

.one step closer.

2008-05-25T21:51:00.004+08:00

First and foremost, I would like to give all the glory to God for the divine health that both my parents are experiencing. It is definitely true that by the stripes of Jesus, we have already been healed. Jesus bore all sicknesses that we might walk in divine health. To Him be all the glory and honor and praises! And to all the people who have been with us, praying in agreement with our family, receive your abundant harvest for these seeds that you have sown. I honor you!

Ma, Pa, Ate, I love you so much. I can't thank God enough for blessing me with a family as wonderful as ours. I love you!

***************

A few days from now and I'll have already completed my first month of internship at UP-PGH. I spent the first two weeks in Rehab Med and I am presently completing the second week of my Surgery ER rotation. It has been quite a ride going through the motions of it all. With all honesty, the reality of being Dr. Maria Ellen R. Licup (at least, that's what my nameplate says) hasn't quite sunk in yet. I know, I know, I am finally in my seventh and last year of med school... and I have had the past 6 years to internalize what it means to truly be a physician. But truth to be told, I feel no different from how I have always felt.

Truly there is nothing else I can say but glory be to God for everything that has happened. Only by His grace have I been able to get through everything that med school brought before me. Because of Jesus, I can boldly say that I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.

That's the way it has always been.. and that's how I believe it will always be. It's not about me, but it's all about Him. It's not by might, nor by power, but by the Spirit. I will not be moved by what other people say or do. Everything I come face to face with, I must learn to bring it before God and deal with it as He would have me do.

Now is not the time to boast, to be arrogant, to put my nose high up in the air and esteem myself more highly than I ought. If anything, this is the best time to humble myself, and see myself as the student and learner that I truly am. This is the time to finally come to terms with the fact that if I want my dreams to come true, I must learn to listen, to obey, to respect the authority that has been bestowed by God on the people around me. This is the time to recognize the anointing that has been placed onto the people I work with and begin to tap into that anointing.

I know that God has a marvelous plan for my life and it thrills me to the very core to know that I have taken another step in witnessing that plan unfold.

I may not know what my future holds (only that it will be GOO-OOD!), but as long as I know Who holds my future, I know I have nothing to fear.

My life is in Your hands
My heart is in Your keeping
I'm never without love
Not when my future is with You
My life is in Your hands
And though I may not see clearly
I will lift my voice and sing
'Cause Your love does amazing things
Lord I know my life is in Your hands

Thank you to all the people who have been with me in this journey... and it's not over yet. We are merely a step closer to the ultimate. Glory to God!

I choose to make this year my best one yet.

***************

Hello dear! Full circle. Towards that. I love you beh. MOA!! :)

.pagsanjan.

2008-04-24T20:53:00.006+08:00

This is just a a documentation of sorts of my stay in my home away from home. So I'll probably just be rambling on and on but bear with me. It's my blog. Hehe.

I just got back from a three-day vacation in Pagsanjan. It was a luxury getting to stay there from Monday until yesterday (Wednesday). The three-week vacation from PGH didn't exactly turned out the way that I had envisioned it at the start - but I'm not complaining. In all that has happened, I know that I only have everything to gain.

Anyway, back to Pagsanjan. I was already there last weekend. I stayed overnight last Friday because I wanted to come to my cousin Koya Eric's despedida. He and his little daughter Erika were leaving for Canada and were to stay there indefinitely. His wife is already there, and so is their new little daughter, so for all we know, they could be settling down there permanently. So I went. It was great seeing my family there again. I had to leave the next day though, to take care of some things for school and to come to church, but I really had a hard time leaving. I left with a promise to return.

I came back last Monday. This time, we had an outing planned. Ate Emma wanted to treat her inaanak and my cousin Josh to something special for graduating Salutatorian from Prep, so she planned this overnight thing at Splash Mountain in Los Banos and brought us along. There were eight of us all in all, 4 adults and 4 kids. We all had a great time, but we all lost sleep because we had to keep up with the kids' energy, which kept them up and jostling in the water until about four in the morning. By then, we already had to fix our stuff because we had to leave the place by 6am. I am not complaining though. I had the best time playing with the kids, bonding with my titas, and swapping stories and becoming sentimental with one my favorite and closest cousins, Jeff.

I was already feeling a little "post-duty" in the bus as we were making our way back to Pagsanjan the following morning. However, our day wasn't over yet.

After a quick breakfast and quick "decision-making", we then trekked all the way to Lucban, Quezon to see the famed "Kamay Ni Hesus" Shrine. I am not Catholic, so I just wanted to come for "scenic viewing" purposes. Nanay wanted to come too, so it was her, Time, Ate Emma, and me. Nanay kept saying that she wanted to try to climb the 300+ steps that led up to this giant statue of Jesus Christ, and truth to be told, I was a bit concerned at first. At 79, Nanay, though healthier and stronger than most people her age (and looks younger too!), has been complaining a lot these days about her knees and her vertigo. She has also been found to have cardiomegaly and arrhythmia recently - though I know that she is already healed by the stripes of Jesus. Still, I keep telling her to rest. She stubbornly refuses most of the time though, because she always wants to be up and about, doing something around the house and making herself useful. She's so masipag, my Nanay. However, she gets tired more easily now than she used to, so I was quite hesistant about letting her climb up. I had my doubts, and I kept asking her if she were sure about the whole thing. But the determination and the desire in her voice was so evident that all I could do was just let her do what she wants and just be there for her. Time and I took turns assisting Nanay in climbing up the stairs while Ate Emma documented it all by taking pictures and counting the number of steps (301, according to her). We were encouraging Nanay all the way.

Upon reaching the top, Nanay was almost in tears as she looked up the statue and said, "Akala ko hindi ko na mararating ito." And at that point, I knew it was worth it. The pagod, the hassle of the hour-long journey in a cramped jeepney, the heat of the summer sun - it was all worth it to see Nanay smiling like that. Her voice got a bit emotional saying, "Pinagdadasal ko talaga sa Panginoon na bigyan ako ng lakas para gawin ito." She then boldly declared, "God is good all the time!" What to me was just another part of my sightseeing and vacationing was a big thing for Nanay - it was an accomplishment, a dream come true if you must. And I am so grateful to have been given the privilege to be a part of that. The pride in her voice as she told everyone about it when we came back home made me feel so proud of her too. That's when it hit me: My Nanay is a go-getter. She knows what she wants and she does what she can to make it happen. I love her so much. This was one of my favorite parts of my vacation.

It was a tiring day all in all and I spent the next few hours catching up on my sleep. There was still much on our "itinerary". Lopao was coming the next day and we were planning to bring him to Lagaslas so he could get a taste of the looooong river that led all the way to Pagsanjan Falls. I can still remember the rush I felt the next day when I saw him waiting at the bus terminal in Pagsanjan, and I had to tell myself over and over again that he was really there, just to make myself believe it. Seeing him with my family, getting along, laughing with them, sharing stories with them, gave me a joy and a peace that I just can't describe. Full circle. It was amazing. Bitin, but amazing.

Those three days went by too quickly. I remember, years ago, when I would spend the whole of the two months of summer vacation there. I grew up in the presence of Nanay, my titas and titos, my cousins, and everyone else there. Most of my happiest childhood memories are from my vacations in Pagsanjan. I have also witnessed many of our beloved babies there transform from infants to the bibbo kids that they are now.

We are not a perfect family - we have our issues, maybe even more so than your typical Filipino family. We've had more than our fair share of troubles and hang-ups. The drama that lies underneath the happy-go-lucky surface could give many a telenovela a run for their money - but the best thing is that we all go through them together. Family is family, no matter what. We stick together. We help each other. We are there for one another when we need each other. We work things out. And we all believe in the one true God Who has abundantly blessed us with all good things - and has blessed us by placing us in this family.

Pagsanjan is my happy place - and it always will be.

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This vacation, I have one other great accomplishment - bonding with my Ate again. During the school year, we hardly ever saw each other. The few times that I did spend at home, we were both either too busy or too tired to do much together. I missed her so much. I miss our talks, the silly things we laugh at that only the two us can understand, the late-night "drama-ramas", the galaan, and all those special things that you can only share with a sister.

Things may have changed a lot now, but one thing for sure - the bond that Ate and I share as sisters is something that NOTHING can ever destroy.

I love you Te. And I treasure these times that we get to spend together. More than you know, more than I can say, more than I can show.

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Dear, I am so excited about meeting your family in Jalajala tomorrow.

I love you dear. MOA.

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Countdown to internship: 7 days. Bring it on!

.thinking out loud before bedtime.

2008-04-14T22:08:00.004+08:00

I was waiting in line in the washroom last Sunday when this member of our church, who is dentist by the way, tapped my arm and asked me if I had already graduated from med school. I smiled and shook my head, saying that I still had one year of internship to go. She remarked, "Sayang!" Puzzled, I asked her why. She replied by saying that she was affiliated with a clinic within the area. It turns out that they were reopening it this month, and they were in search of Christian doctors who would be willing to practice there. I simply smiled in response, not being licensed at the moment to accept that offer, and then she said, "Di bale, hihintayin na lang kita next year." That was the end of our conversation.

As I walked back to the sanctuary, I thought about what had just happened. Though informal, I had just had my first "job opportunity", if you look at it that way. That was when it hit me. One year to go and then I would have to make my decision on what I wanted to do with my life.

I've always figured I would be involved in something... well, selfless would be one way to put it. I want to do something that would fill me with a sense of purpose and fulfillment. I have always idealized in my mind that I would be more than just the typical white-coated doctor. Self-centered as it may seem, I have even thought of being sent to far-flung areas in the country and becoming the answer to their problems. I have imagined myself doing so much more than merely practicing the medical side of the profession. In a way, that has made me arrogant in thinking that I was probably a better person than all the others who simply wanted to make a good living out of becoming physicians. But God is continually dealing with me and changing my heart. I held on to that vision, knowing that whatever I do and wherever I go, God is on my side and He will definitely prosper all of the works of my hands. I had nothing to worry about.

But now that I am actually here, so near to the end of med school, I realized that everything is still so blurry in my mind. I jump from one idea to another about what I want to do after passing the boards. One minute I want to do undergo a residency training in a certain field, the next, I want to do something very different from medicine altogether (like Law, perhaps.. hahaha). I still cannot give a concrete answer when people ask me a question regarding my future career. I consider options aside from being a physician when thinking about the years that lie ahead. I remember past dreams and how much I used to desire for them, and then wonder if maybe it's not too late to still pursue them anyway.

I go back and forth, tossed by the winds and easily swayed by outside influences. Double-minded and unstable.

Maybe it's because deep down, I still really do not know what I want.

That's why this is my prayer. That this year will be my year of discovery. Discovering where my talents lie, what I can do, what I like doing, where I am happiest, and other things like that. This will be my year to find out in which areas I have been gifted by God in. More than that, this is the time to listen to the heartbeat of God and know what He has mapped out for me.

This is my year to discover that ONE THING that will keep me going every single day, that one thing that will let me know that I am truly carrying out my purpose and fulfilling my assignment from the Lord. To find that one thing that will give meaning to what I do. That one thing in which I know I can best glorify the God who has given me all good things.

This is it. This is my year. This is the year to discover my PASSION.

This is the year to begin pursuing my DESTINY.

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For lack of anything better to do, I started reading my past entries from way back in the earlier months of 2007. Mehn, was I on fire back then! Hahaha! I felt like I was reading about another person's life. But as I went along, I could see how many of the things back then had led up to the way my life is going at present.

To quote from Sunday's FG.... Luuuv it!

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MOA dear. To the nth level.