In Season

.Life priorities made simple.

2011-06-19T22:28:00.003+08:00

I used to think life could be compartmentalized into neat little boxes. That I could sum up my being into several aspects, and it was merely a matter of prioritizing.

For me, life could be summed up as follows:

1. God

2. Family and loved ones

3. Career

4. Friends

5. Leisure (other interests)

It was simple. The lines were so clearly drawn, that I could easily sacrifice one for the sake of another, as long as they were more important according to my list. I could pat myself in the back for being so noble as to put God first. I could give up a couple of hours of family time if it meant I could serve God by helping out in the church more often. Or I could pass up some night outs with friends if it meant I could further my professional life even more.

I would get tired of straining and pushing myself, but I thought it was worth it.

I don’t believe in this anymore.

Why put God first… when He is already present in every aspect of my life? In my relationships, He is the LOVE that conquers all. In my career direction, He is the WISDOM that guides me. In my times of rest and leisure, He is the JOY and PEACE that comforts me.

He is in every single thing that I am and I do.

He puts everything in order such that nothing is neglected, nothing is missed out. Nothing is sacrificed at the expense of another.

God’s wisdom, after all, is so much greater than my own.

God is not a part of life that must be prioritized. He is not a mere slice in the pie chart that is the schedule of my life. He GAVE me the entire pie and has promised to be with me in every slice.

Everything I have is a gift from Him and He is not asking me to give Him anything back. He is not waiting for me to make the first move before He makes His. His blessing me is not dependent on how my performance, on how good I am. He has already moved. He has already given me everything. There are no rules to follow, no constant looking-over-my-shoulder just to make sure I am doing the right thing. No how-tos, no dos-and-donts.

He only wants me to RECEIVE freely. To simply be LED by His Spirit.

This just makes me love Him all the more – because He first loved me.

Jesus has already paid for everything.

There is no prioritization needed. There is only Jesus.

So, what does your list look like? Are you having difficulty maintaining a balance and prioritizing it all? Is it tough juggling all the separate parts of your life that demand some level of attention?

Relax. Breathe. And remember.

With Jesus, YOU CAN HAVE IT ALL – whole, complete, nothing missing, nothing broken.

Tara!

2011-04-27T13:41:00.014+08:00

"Nothing's gonna stop us now..."

I turn my head to the direction of the music. It is a hot, summer day, around seven o'clock in the morning, and I am out playing with my niece Raine on our street's gazebo. The gazebo is situated right atop the creek that runs through our street and several others. Across the creek are the houses of some informal settlers who have lived there for as long as I can remember. This neighborhood, with the wooden houses placed on stilts with chicken coops underneath, is reminiscent of another place from my childhood.

As I breathe in the early morning air, the classic 90's music blaring from what I can only assume to be a boombox transports me to another time.

*********

I am nine years old. In my cotton shorts and white sando, I run around the second floor of my Nanay Gloria's house in Pagsanjan, playing with cousins who always seem to be present. "Dun na kayo sa silong," Nanay tells us. "Mainit dito sa bahay." The different terms used in this place always fascinates me. Silong refers to the house's first floor and bahay the second.

Scrambling down the stairs, I catch a glimpse of my 12-year-old Ate through the window talking to a tall, thin, shy-looking teenage boy, who obviously has a crush on her. Sitting on the sofa are more friends waiting for me. "Gusto mong manguha ng duhat?" the little girl from next door, and my best friend for the summer, asks me. "Tara!" I quickly answer. We rummage around the kitchen looking for old ice cream containers that we can use to hold the precious little fruits we were about to gather. "Nay, lalabas lang po kami. Mangunguha kami ng duhat!" And then I run out of the house without a single care in the world.

*********

"Nay, gusto kong maligo sa ilog."

My lola's house sits right in front of the river that eventually leads to the Pagsanjan Falls. I have seen some kids swimming there, and I cannot for the life of me understand why I am not allowed to do the same.

"Huwag diyan," Nanay repeats. "Madumi kasi diyan. Sa Lagaslas na lang tayo mag-swimming."

With light snacks and green mangoes in tow, some of my aunts, uncles, cousins and I board the small boat that will bring us to Lagaslas. The Lagaslas is an area of the river where the current flows rapidly downstream. Boatmen call it the "rapids". The tourist boats go through several Lagaslas areas before getting to the main attraction - the Falls. When we arrive, we jump out of the boat and set our food down on one of the cottages in the water. My foot hits the rocky bottom. "Ouch!" I cry. "Masakit sa paa 'yung mga bato." I try to walk around, but find myself have difficulty doing so. "Mag-tsinelas ka na lang," one of my cousins tell me. "Ingat ka lang kasi baka madala ng agos." I follow his advice, and gingerly step out into the water again. It's cold!

"Gamitin natin 'yung timbulan," another of my cousins call out. "Padala tayo sa agos!" Smiling widely, I shout out, "Tara!" I grab one of the inflated interior tires we rented, walk out to where the current begins, position myself atop the tire, and let myself flow with the rushing water, without a single care in the world.

************

"Eto o."

One of my playmates, another little boy in shorts and sando that look like they belong to his older brother, hands me a Piattos wrapper.

"Ano 'to?" I ask, and reach out to grab the bag. I could feel the bag moving in my hands before I even had the chance to look at it.

"Panahon na ulit ng mga u-ang! Tara, manghuli pa tayo!" he says excitedly. I look at him for a short moment, then look at the bag. My eyes widen. It is swarming with big, black beetles. "Konti pa nga lang 'yan eh!" he says with a tinge of pride. "Hanap pa tayo!" I break out into an impish smile and say, "Tara!"

We scrounge around plants and trees, looking for the biggest beetles we could find. Every once in a while, we find a small, golden version of the insect - the salaginto, for me, is a treasure. When we collect as much as we want, we go back to my lola's house and ask Nanay for some thread. We select the most vigorous of the beetles, tie a thread around its neck, and let it loose. "Para akong may saranggola!" I exclaim gleefully. I hold on the thread and watch my active u-ang fly, without a single care in the world.

***********

"Tita, ball. Tita, ball!"

Raine's voice brings me back to the present. She is holding out her arms and looking at me expectantly, waiting for me to throw her back the ball. I look at my hands and see the small, vinyl ball between them. Still a bit dazed, I tell her, "Catch!" She giggles in delight and tries to catch it. When she fails to do so, she runs after it as it rolls down the paved path.

Silently, I watch her. I see her pick up the ball and try to throw it upwards. She can't do it yet, and the ball just simply bounces in front of her. This sends her in another fit of giggles as she runs after the ball again. I sit down on the ground and continue to look at her. Her eyes twinkle mischievously, and then she starts to run toward me. Her angelic little face, so open and full of trust, of hope and of joy, was mesmerizing.

At what point in our lives do we lose that look?

"Tita, house?"

Suddenly, Raine is standing in front of me again. Beads of sweat line her forehead, and hair strands were both sticking to the side of her face and sticking out behind her head. She's telling me she wants to go back home, already happy after a half-hour of playing outside.

I give her a big smile, grab her soft little hand, and say, "Tara!"

And we walk down the street, without a single care in the world.

.random.

2011-04-21T20:44:00.000+08:00

I really should write again soon.

.The Bravest of Us All.

2010-11-13T14:17:00.000+08:00

“Bagay pala sa ‘yo ang naka-white coat, Bossing.” (Your white coat suits you, Bossing.)

He was sitting up on his hospital bed when he said that. He started calling me Bossing when I became his deputy wing commander in high school, and the name stuck.

For the second time, he was admitted to the same hospital where I was doing my Pediatrics pre-residency. I had promised to show him my white coat once I earned the right to wear it, so I kept it on when I went to visit him after doing my rounds.

I surveyed his general appearance through a doctor's eyes. He looked much better than he did the last time. He seemed healthier, stronger somehow. Though his eyes betrayed the fatigue he felt, a teasing smile was plastered across his face.

Rats. I knew what was coming next.

“Buti ‘yan, para ‘di ka na nila mapagkamalan na pasyente.” (That’s good. At least they won’t mistake you for a patient anymore.)

Typical Ivan. Always going out of his way to tease me about my height.

Still. It felt wrong to be talking about me, when I came there to visit HIM. I wanted to know how HE was.

“Kamusta ka na Pareng Ivan?” (How are you Ivan?)

He smiled his teasing smile again.

“Mas okay na ako ngayon Bossing. Gusto ko na ngang umuwi eh. Ikaw? Kamusta? Tanggap ka na ba?” (I feel much better Bossing. I want to go home already. What about you? Have you been accepted?)

There he went again, turning the conversation around to make it all about ME when I wanted to know more about HIM. He wanted to know if I got accepted into the residency program already.

Typical Ivan. He was such a selfless and wonderful friend.

We went on talking about other things, but mostly he just kept coming back to me, asking ME questions, and how I was, and what MY plans were. It just felt plain wrong, but I couldn’t help answering him, anyway. He wasn’t just trying to make conversation. He was sincerely interested in talking to me, in learning what I was doing with my life, and how I felt about it.

Other people would have felt entitled to wallow in self-pity and talk endlessly about themselves and how they are dealing with their condition. No one would argue and complain, anyway.

But not Ivan. Even after being diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL), he still refused to draw attention to himself.

Typical Ivan. Always putting other people ahead of himself.

Well, we’re not going to let you get away with it this time.

This time, this is all about YOU.

YOU made us laugh and smile. YOU brought us joy simply by being our friend and brother. YOU remained cool despite our pasaway moments (dakilang Wing Com). YOU extended a helping hand and listening ear to anyone who needed it. YOU supported us, your classmates, in a way that only YOU can.

YOU tried to be all rough and tough with us, but sorry Ivan, it just didn’t work. YOU were as gentle as could be. YOU were the big brother who gave us comfort when we needed it most.

YOU showed your love so wonderfully that it is no wonder why people love you back in return.

YOU went after your dreams and made them come true. YOU made us proud when you topped your board exam and became successful at your chosen career.

YOU fought the battle that most people would have been too weak to handle. YOU stood strong in the midst of all the difficulties you and your family had to face. YOU kept your faith in the good God who YOU knew would never let you go. YOU braved the pain that came with your condition and refused to let anyone else suffer with you.

YOU fought the battle Ivan. YOU are the bravest of us all.

And at the end of it, YOU inspired us all.

To my Pareng Ivan, here’s to YOU.

.On LOVING and LETTING GO.

2010-02-16T18:41:00.000+08:00

Love means letting someone go.

This is Love in any form possible - between lovers, friends, and family.

Before you get other ideas, let me say that this is by no means an encouragement to cut off ties with people who are close to your heart. Please do read on.

This is an attempt to put a new spin on a phrase that has been taken negatively for a long time.

There are times in our lives when everything seems to be changing - when life as we know it takes a sudden turn, and in an instant, the whole world is a very, very different place. Things are not where they should be. Friends have suddenly become strangers and the distance brings a coldness that was not there before. We feel lost and confused. We try to keep up, but the harder we try to hold on, the farther we seem to get left behind.

The more you try to recapture the days of the past, the harder it becomes to face the future. Little by little, you begin to lose yourself.

As people are dynamic, it only follows that relationships are dynamic too. Along with changes within the person come differences in the way we deal with them. We learn, we grow up. It does not necessarily mean that one is more mature than the other... we may just be treading down very different paths, for which we must undergo different forms of training and molding.

Love, therefore, is understanding that dynamism. It is seeing beyond the person as he is now, looking deep inside and seeing his potential to become so much more. Who he is now will definitely not be the same as who he will be ten years from now. Why keep him from becoming that person?

To let people go is to help them reach for their dreams.

Letting people go is encouraging them to spread their wings and soar boldly across skies they have never seen before.

Let him go. Let him discover who he is and what he was born to do. True, there may be times when he has to leave you behind so he can find his own way. Accept that you will not be present in every single scene of his life's story. To keep him tied down to you because you are afraid of losing him is pure, utmost selfishness.

Maybe Love means accepting the fact that the world is a bigger place than your heart. There are places to see, wonders to discover, and lessons to learn. No one person is enough to give all that. God has plans for him more beautiful than you could ever fathom. Maybe Love means letting him be free to see all that beauty for himself, even if it means he may not always be doing it with you.

Few can match the joy that comes with seeing a loved one glowing with the glory of God-given success.

There's no denying that it will hurt. In any relationship where one moves away, it is always harder for the one who stays. The one who moved is living a brand new adventure, while the other has to deal with an environment that brings back memories of a time when things were easier.

But Love always believes.

Love is knowing that what you have is strong enough to bring you back together no matter how far apart you get.

Letting go is not saying, "So this is where our friendship ends, now let us go our separate ways."

Letting go says, "Go ahead and take that step towards your destiny. If you have to go alone for now, so be it. But know that I'm always supporting you, cheering you on, praying for you. Trust that I am here for you, ready to help whenever you might need me."

So let him go. Let him become all that he is and could be. Let his star shine so bright and don't worry about yours. Do what God has called you to do. You have your own destiny - God has plans for you, too. Your time will come.

At the end of the day, your love, your friendship, will always be the one he comes home to.

**************************

****

Friends, go ahead. Reach for the stars.

I am rooting for you. :)

.Dreaming Again.

2010-02-16T18:39:00.002+08:00

Posted via Facebook last 19 January 2010.

*******

It has been a few days since I made that big decision that turned my life around. I quit Pediatrics.

I know. It's only been two weeks since I officially started, and I have barely even grazed the tip of the adventure that is PGH Pediatrics. Yet, I know I made the right decision.

Some people call me crazy for giving up the chance to undergo residency training in one of the best, if not the best, tertiary hospitals in the country. They think me stupid for letting go of the opportunity to work under the best minds the nation has to offer.

And now I am unemployed.

But I have no regrets. I do miss the people though.. :(

**********************

Contrary to what some may think, this is not a sudden, spur-of-the-moment decision. I should've seen this coming. This was a turn of events seven years in the making. I cannot for the life of me even begin to explain the lightness, the release I felt when I finally made up my mind.

All throughout my med school life, I have been complaining and grumbling about being a "fish out of the water," of not being in my element, of doing something I have never even been passionate about in the first place. It has been my excuse for having difficulties with grasping concepts and for my less-than-stellar grades. I never had the drive to learn more than what was required and only did just what was enough to make sure I passed everything. Yet when asked, "What do you want to do instead?", I could not give a concrete answer.

The next question is usually, "Why did you go into it then in the first place?" For now, I'll just let my close friends answer that one for me.

I spent seven years swimming with the tide, not knowing where it was leading me, getting tired but getting nowhere.

And now I am here.

Praise God for bringing me here. Only by His grace... nothing more, nothing less.

Free at last, to finally choose the path I would take.

As one good friend put it, "This is the beginning of the rest of your life."

************************

Now that I am out of the "protective covering" that PGH has provided me, I feel naked and vulnerable, venturing out into the world on my own.

This is the time to finally ask myself, "What do I really want?"

************************

I want to help people.

Beauty pageant answer, I know, but it's true.

I don't want to simply treat the human body. I want to help heal soul and spirit. I want to empower people, to help them realize that there is so much more to them than what meets the eye, no matter what their status in life might be. I want to help them become the best persons that they can be.

I want to come up with new and innovative ideas in bringing about change. I want to help entire communities of people and inspire them to rise above the expectations and flourish on their own.

I want to change the nation by helping people find the best kind of change within themselves.

I know it all sounds cliche at this point, but this has been the most honest that I have been ever since. With writing down all of these, I run the risk of being called too idealistic and out of touch with reality.

Right now, I can think of possible career options. Psychiatrist. Community physician. Educator.

I want a career that will allow me to touch lives by teaching.

I trust that God will open doors for me.

I don't know where this will lead me. As of now, I've been interviewing for some jobs, much like your average fresh-out-of-college-21-ye

ar-old. Some went well, others could be better. I still don't know. Maybe I would have to take a few "starter" jobs to get me going along the right path. I really can't tell.

Who knows?

Everything will fall into place in due time.

Maybe one day, I will go back to hospital training. After all, it could be just the path that will catapult me to fulfilling everything I said earlier. One day, maybe.

But not now. Just for a while, I need this time to rediscover myself, set aflame once again the passions that used to burn within me, and explore what awaits me out there.

With God on my side, I can't lose.

The future looks bright. Yes, it does indeed.

************************

I still need to get a job, though. ;-)

.small holiday.

2009-07-03T19:53:00.002+08:00

It's supposed to be the last day of my Patho review, and yet here I am typing who-knows-what on my computer, with a blank look on my face.

Hey, cut me some slack. I haven't written anything in ages.

I guess there's a certain charm to staying at home most of the time. I get to do things at my own pace, no one hurrying me (well, except Papa, whose personal clock is always 30 minutes fast), and nothing bothering me. I like the peace, the quiet, and the relaxing atmosphere at home.

But maybe sometimes, it gets too quiet.

I don't know. Ate has been married for several months already, and yet the reality of it is only sinking in now. It feels strange to not have her come barging in through my bedroom door when she comes home from the office just to say "Hi" and let me know she's arrived. The room across mine stays empty throughout the week, and the feeling of loneliness settles in when I enter to rummage through my Ate's stuff.

I have learned to look forward to weekends when she and Kuya Enos will be here again.

Don't get me wrong. Ate's wedding is definitely one of the happiest moments our family shared, and she couldn't have possibly found a better man to marry than Kuya Enos. Pero pagbigyan niyo na ko. Nag-iisang kapatid ko 'yun e.

I miss the old, carefree days so much. Yet, I know I can look forward to an even better future as our family continues expanding, growing.

I'll be seeing you soon Raine. Tita Len loves you so much already.

************************

I thought I wanted to write, but it seems like I've hit the wall. I wonder why. Beats me.

Oh well. That's enough small holiday for tonight.

.graduation thoughts.

2009-05-18T21:50:00.004+08:00

Yesterday, we had the UPCM Class 2009 Graduation and Internship Closing Ceremonies at the UP Theater in UP Diliman. It was the culmination of five years (and just a year for some) of braving a grueling medical education together. As a class, what we were all working for was finally conferred upon us... the degree of Doctor of Medicine. It was the end of an era.

No offense to the people who worked hard in making this ceremony as seamless as possible (because it was definitely one of the better graduation rites I have seen), but yesterday was, for me, to say the least, anticlimactic.

I don't know why that was. During my high school graduation, I was bawling my eyes out at the end of the program and was hugging everyone in sight. The thought that I would probably not see my classmates again was a painful truth that was hovering in the air. The future looked scary and I felt alone facing it without the friends I had made in the past four years.

But yesterday, all I could feel was... nothing.

Now don't get me wrong. I met some of the best people and the truest friends a person could ever have in med school. They were not the most popular people in class (and neither was I, BTW); on the contrary, we were more often than not MIA during class activities. But these were the people I knew I could always count on no matter what, people who always had my back, people I was willing to do anything for. I will never trade them for anyone else. They were my friends and colleagues, and I love them to pieces, and I will definitely miss them. I'll miss hanging out with them in that easy and comfortable manner, exchanging witty quips and smart-alecky comments with them, ranting endlessly together about duties and workload and classmates and what-have-yous, discussing serious life issues and apprehensions about the future, and just being with them.

It wasn't that.

Maybe I would have felt differently if I graduated from med school with a bang. I mean, I can just imagine how high my outstanding classmates must have felt as they repeatedly climbed up the stage to receive their awards. I know, I know, this sounds like the bitter ramblings of an ordinary, average student, but it's really not. I am happy for my classmates, and I know that all the awards were more than well-deserved (Hi Dear! Congrats again!).

It wasn't that.

I really, really do not know what it was. I've hyped up my graduation so much to my family and friends, because I want them to feel just how much I appreciate them for simply being in my life during these times. I want to make sure my parents know how extremely grateful I am to them for pulling out all stops just to get me through med school.

Maybe it is because, after seven years, I still feel like I have not accomplished anything great. I am not talking about graduating with honors or something like that, because I never even dreamed of that from the start. It just feels like I didn't do anything special. I don't know if this will come off sounding egotistical, but it's quite humbling to think that I passed through the UP College of Medicine and no one even noticed. Was it all just a waste of time? I was listening to our Class Valedictorian, and though he did give us a good speech, I couldn't help thinking that he left a lot of significant things unsaid, and had I been given the opportunity, I would have said them. But I was, sadly, not in any position to do so. Because who am I to speak anyway? I never did anything extraordinary for the class. Even after seven years, I was still just one of the many nameless faces in the crowd.

Maybe because, deep down inside us, we all crave recognition. It does not exactly have to be in the same form with everyone, but admit it, we all desire it. We all want to our most heroic efforts to be noticed, no matter how much we deny it. We get disappointed when we pour out our hearts and souls into something, and no one even bothers to care. We feel hurt, cheated, and betrayed. We feel deprived of what is due us.

Looking back on the past few years of my life, I start to ask myself, "Was it all worth it?" All those sleepless nights, all the holidays I missed spending with my loved ones, all the energy poured into trying to help save the lives of people I barely know... do they even count for something? Did I gain anything in the process?

The answer, just now, is coming right at me. Yes, we do crave recognition. But the real question is, are we looking for it in the right places?

I realize now that my frustration stems from the fact that I tried too hard to gain that recognition from the people around me. I was never late for school or for duty, I did all my tasks to the best of my ability, I took care of my patients as well as I possibly could - and I got burnt out because no one cared enough to tell me how good a job I was doing. I felt like it was all for nothing.

Real recognition, however, comes from the inside. It is the security in knowing that all your efforts, whether people recognize them or not, are never in vain. It is the peace that comes with knowing that Someone so much greater than the most distinguished award-giving body in the world is pleased with you, is smiling upon you every single time, and loves you so much that He has given everything He has for you. It is the calmness in knowing that no one can ever nullify or revoke all the good seeds that you have been sowing, and that no one can hold back from you the abundant harvest that is sure to come. It is the serenity that comes with seeing change appear right before your eyes in the lives of the people you know you have somehow touched even in small ways, knowing that God has enabled you to do something special for them.

My good works may not have been enough to earn me a plaque of recognition from my College. I may have fallen short of their standards a lot of times, and I know a lot of other people are better than me in many aspects. I probably will not be voted "Favorite Classmate" anytime soon, and I am assuming that no one will erect a monument in my name.

But I don't care anymore. Let them have their share of fame and glory. Let them fight each other's heads off as they battle their way to the top.

I was trained to be so much more than that.

My God has recognized me, even before I was born. He knows me, He loves me, and He tells me that He is always pleased and happy with me. He has prepared the way for me, and is lovingly cheering me on every step of the way.

God's recognition is all I need to keep me going... and I know I already have it! That's the beauty of it. I am looking forward to hearing Him say to me, "Well done, my daughter, well done." Jesus is my more-than-enough Reward.

With my God, there is no way but up. Real promotion, after all, comes from Him alone.

BRING IT ON!!! Wooo-hoooo!

****************************

I love you Dr. Paolo Victor Nartea Medina. Here's to the seven years of amazing friendship that we've shared, and to the countless years more! ;)

.for papa.

2009-05-11T17:13:00.002+08:00

This morning, I was fixing my room to give it some semblance of a decent study room in preparation for the intense hours of burning the midnight oil I have planned over the next few months. I was clearing my table and laying down books I planned to go over first when I realized that I did not have a good enough light to read under.

"Pa, may lampshade ba tayo? Medyo madilim kasi sa kwarto ko e."

I knew we didn't, and I was half wishing my dad would go and volunteer to buy me one. But he didn't.

Without wasting a single second, he made me one.

Using everyday materials we had lying around the house, Papa provided an extra light above my table. Now, I can read clearly, and we didn't have to spend a single cent. And my dad was still smiling after what I put him through.

When I was younger, I remember telling my mom that for the life of me, I could not imagine Papa courting her. With his strict and sometimes short temper, I simply could not picture him all sweet and tender towards my mom during the early days of their relationship. There were times during my teenage years when I resented him for imposing all kinds of rules on me and my Ate. I figured he just didn't want me to have fun. I kept him at an arm's length when it came to my personal life, and I never, NEVER, came to him when I was having boy troubles. He was just not THAT kind of a father.

Besides, we were so much alike. Papa and I both have the tendency to shut up and remain quiet when we get angry or frustrated. We both have trouble expressing our emotions, so we basically don't have a lot to talk about when it comes to personal matters.

Now that I am a little older, I am little by little beginning to see just what it was about Papa that made Mama fall so deeply in love with him.

One call is all it takes to have Papa come running to pick me up wherever I am. In all of my 23 years, I cannot remember even a single time when Papa gave me some lame excuse for why he couldn't. Wherever I am (and mind you, I've had Papa pick me up from pretty far places), whatever I am doing, I am always secure that Papa will be there to come for me in the event that I couldn't make it home by myself.

When I insist that I go home alone, I know I can expect Papa to still be waiting to open the door for me. Sure, he may be grouchy and mad when I stay out a little later than the agreed upon time, but he has never been one to hold grudges. And I never have the fear of being locked out. He always lets me in.

Even when he was working, I knew I could always count on my dad to provide whatever I needed. As a kid, I thought he was a magician. Anything I asked for would be ready and waiting for me the next morning. Special paper for an art project? You got it. Food for my field trip? All packed and ready to go. Unusual pet for the pet show at school? A turtle was waiting for me the next day. I didn't know how he pulled it off, but I didn't care. He could do just about anything. Balancing work and family life was never an issue for my parents.

And he never once complained.

As I got older, I knew there were times when I failed to show my dad just how much I appreciated him. I knew I hurt him more than once, but he never rubbed that in my face, even though he easily could. He just continued to give and give and give.

I watch him and I see sincerity and genuineness that extend even to people outside of our family.

Papa, in more ways than one, is the ideal boyfriend. He is never late for anything, shows up for all the important and even the not-so-important events of our lives, and always keeps his word. When Papa says he'll do something, you can bet your life on it that he'll get it done. He has braved all kinds of storms and what-have-yous just to be there for us. He never fails to get us whatever we ask for (as long as it is in his financial and physical capacity to do so), and sometimes even the things we don't ask for. He makes us laugh even in awkward moments, and surprises us with witty and light-hearted remarks even in the most trying of times. And every once in a while, he surprises us with some touching gesture for no reason at all.

Papa always puts us first. He gives his all just to ensure our happiness and comfort, and NEVER asks for anything in return. His utter selflessness makes him a hero in my eyes. Without saying a word, Papa has shown me what kind of a Father we have in heaven just by being like Him everyday.

I can just imagine him at 21, courting Mama. Being there for her at all costs. Investing much time and effort just to be with her (Papa is from Pampanga and Mama is from Pagsanjan...think about that). Making her family love him just as much (but maybe not in the same way) by considering them in his decisions, too. Maybe he didn't always know the right words to say, but I know he loved her in the best way he knew how - by giving of himself.

I know why Mama fell in love with him. And I'm glad she did. Because they went on to have me and my sister.

And with them as my parents, I just couldn't ask for anything more.

I'm proud of you Pa. I love you.

.reawakening.

2009-04-27T16:22:00.003+08:00

Earlier this afternoon, a blockmate and friend showed me an article from the Manila BUlletin that his dad wrote. It was noteworthy because surprise, surprise... it was about him.

Entitled "Our Son, The Graduate", the article virtually published the reflection paper Miguel wrote on his Palawan elective prior to clerkship year. It details much of his thoughts on public health, the misgivings of our current system, and what we, as young physicians in training, can do for the improvement of the entire nation's health care delivery system.

Funny thing. I was in that elective, too.

I told Miguel that the article almost reduced me to tears, and I was not exaggerating when I said that. I almost cried, not because the article was so gut-wrenchingly touching (although it is great), but because it triggered something in me that I thought I had long forgotten.

You see, way before I had managed to convince myself (at least I thought I had) that I wanted to become just another one of your typical white-coated doctors roaming the hospital halls, I actually wanted to become a community physician. Way back when I still had my ideals, my principles, and my convictions, I wanted to become something more than just your average clinician welcoming patients in well-lit, airconditioned rooms, getting paid big bucks for every word I say and every glitch I solve.

There was a time in my medical education when I wanted to change the world.

I really do not know what happened. I remember my third year in med proper when I was going crazy over the fact that I wanted to get involved in something public health-related and I absolutely had no idea how to begin. There were times when I purposely went to the COME office just to talk to Dr. Portia Marcelo and ask her about possible researches and projects I can do (all of which, sadly, by the way, did not yield any output). I was 100% convinced that hospital work was not for me... I was ready to kiss PGH goodbye as soon as I got my license.

Somewhere along the way, I got scared. Spending days and days in a less-than-ideal government hospital, where the most desperate of all people come expecting to receive the best treatment possible, the disappointment on their faces upon finding out the harsh reality of health care in PGH soon got to me. It didn't take long before I became jaded and discouraged by the sheer vastness of problems to be taken care of. The immensity of it all, compared to how helpless and small a single person like me seems to be, overwhelmed me. I lost faith in the power of passion. It just was not enough.

So I took the easy way out. I hardened myself to every voice crying out for help, and started to look out for myself. I cannot, CAN NOT, lay my life down for them at the risk of that amounting to nothing. I had to protect myself and the life I thought I wanted. It's a dog-eat-dog world, and the prize does not always go to the person who has the most noble intentions... the prize, more often than not, goes to the most cunning and deceitful minds. It's flawed, true, but it works. And I wanted a chance at that prize. At least, I thought I did. The easiest thing to do would be to cling to what seems to be "life-giving" and hold on tight, no matter how much it suffocates me. The problems of my country are not mine to solve. I may never see the changes in my lifetime anyway, so why bother? I wanted to see results, and I wanted them immediately. I decided to leave these things to my colleagues who know more about it and who appear to be more into it than I ever was, and turned my back completely on what I thought I could stand on.

But, no matter how much we try to bury it in our soul, our hearts' cry will always shout out.

The road less travelled is still an option, after all.

Most likely, I will still go into residency. Most likely, in a few years, I will probably even take up a subspecialty. Most likely, I will hold clinics in many private hospitals and make a very comfortable living off that. Most likely, I will have a stable job and all the comforts of life that that entails. Most likely, I will proudly wear my white coat and become your friendly neighborhood clinician.

Most likely.

But sometimes, the least likely happens.

************************************************************************

Dear, I know you have so many plans for the future, and I know sometimes you think I don't approve. But I do. I will support you in whatever you decide to do. I will always be here for you. We may have our differences and our paths may not always appear to cross, but just know that wherever your passion in life may take you, you'll always have me to come home to.

Besides, no matter what you say, I still take credit for why you fell in love with community medicine in the first place (think back to third year deawie...mwahahahaha!). You will never convince me otherwise. So when you begin to take big steps for the Philippines, the Philippines will have to thank me. And when the world honors you, then it honors me, too. Mwahahaha!

Kidding dear.

I love you Homi ko.

.seven years.

2009-04-25T21:30:00.007+08:00

With just 5 days to go before internship is over, indulge me as I go all sentimental and reminisce on the past seven years of my life.. the seven years I spent in med school.

Unlike most of my classmates, being in med school has never been that big a deal to me. It has never been the end-all, be-all of my existence. It was more like a stopover of sorts before I continue on toward my real destination in life. What THAT might be, your guess is as good as mine.

I still vividly remember my first few days in UP Manila as an Intarmed freshman. First year was, of course, scary and intimidating. I remember feeling insecure next to my "bigtime" classmates, all of whom graduated with honors from well-known science high schools and exclusive private schools. Intarmed was most definitely a humbling experience. Not as science-oriented as I would have liked, I failed my first few major exams, found myself "lost" during lectures, and basically just messed up lab activities. Like a splash of cold water right in my face, I realized I wasn't as brilliant as I thought. The Little Miss Stellar that I was in high school, apparently, no longer existed.

I figured I wouldn't survive, so I decided to take the easy way out. I made arrangements to shift back to my first love, which was Broadcast Communication. Everything was all set, but amazingly enough, that was not to be my fate. Somehow, a power much stronger than my frustrations kept me from bailing out - the power of true friendship. I was not alone. I made great friends who effortlessly managed make to make me smile and laugh every single day. And at that moment, that was enough to keep me going.

Second year was a bit simpler, if not easier. Getting the hang of my lessons, failed exams were getting to be fewer and farther in between (although they were still there). Time only served to strengthen the friendships that were established in the first year. I missed out on a lot of "fun" activities since I used to travelled back home every day, but that did not hinder me from becoming closer to the people I had learned to love. I was quite selective when it came to friends, and I picked the most beautiful gems of them all to share my life with. Stories were told, secrets were shared, moments were spent together, lessons were learned. Every day was another step taken in the journey that was not my own.

We soon entered the realm of medicine proper, a bit too young perhaps, but prepared nonetheless. We were thrown into a sea of 160 faces, 120 of which were older, wiser, and with much more academic experience than the 40 of us. Yet we just dove in and managed to merge with them beautifully. Third and fourth year crammed our minds with all the wonders of the human body, both physiologic and pathologic. Innumerable cups of coffee helped us to stay awake enough to make attempts at memorizing impossible amounts of information. Everyone tried to find his or her own way
of coping - this was the year when every student was either trying to get into a fraternity, sorority, or whatever organization, or delving into other non-medical activities. We all had to survive - and insanity was not an option.

We all did.

Fifth year was probably the lightest year of all. With our hospital exposure limited to the outpatient department, time management was no longer a problem. We learned much from our patients, but at the same time, we found ourselves with so much time on our hands. Suddenly, I could do whatever I wanted again. Around this time, I decided to throw myself fully into ministerial activities with our local church. I got involved, learned more of the Word, and allowed myself to be discipled by mature Christian leaders. It was amazing when I realized that I could be a medical student and a minister at the same time. I was learning about diseases, and at the same time growing in faith in my Divine Healer. I was maturing as a physician while developing my character as a Christian.

I now know why.

Sixth year, or Clinical Clerkship, came as quite a shock. From the benign ICC year we had, we were then confronted with more-than-24-hour duties filled with mind-boggling emergencies and patients dying almost everytime. We delivered babies, intubated unconscious patients, assisted with major operations, and performed advanced life support. We were doctors, but not quite yet. We still had to monitor entire wards, complete loads of paperwork, insert IV lines, catheters, and NGTs... and we had to balance all those things with academics. We had to learn. With everything we had to do, it was easy to lose our temper, yell at patients and their watchers, and ignore calls for help. We made shortcuts to make life easier for us. We had our first few glimpses of dehumanization, and we clutched on to it like a lifesaver to keep us sane.

I was no different from everyone else. I had my fair share of "poopy" moments that I would rather not remember. But somehow, I know it was the grace of God working in me that set me apart from all the rest. I was highly favored. I was blessed. I knew whatever happened, God was pleased with me. And that was what kept me going.

Internship, our seventh and last year, came soon enough. It was a lot like a repetition of clerkship, only this time, we had more responsibilities. We were privileged enough to have been allowed to wear the badge of "Dr." on our nameplates, but that came with much accountability. We were the first in line to assess and evaluate new patients, and somehow, our opinions seem to matter more now than they used to. We worked tirelessly with our residents, and at times even consultants, and we learned what it was like to be part of the medical team handling the patients. We also learned to work together. Med school is tough enough as it is, and to get through it alone is out of the question. With our tired and overworked minds and bodies yearning even for a slight reprieve from it all, heated arguments arose from division of labor, duty schedules, and such like, with resolutions of varying creativity coming up. Family time became even more precious as some holidays were still to be spent within the hospital walls. Internship asked a lot from us, and we gave in to much of its demands, sacrificing time for self and loved ones along the way, but I know we all got better for it.

And now, here we are. Just a few days away from the end of it all.

I will always remember UP College of Medicine for all that it has taught me. I will remember all the concepts I have learned (yeah, right!), the skills I have obtained from doing numerous procedures, and the courage I have developed in facing patients of different levels of toxicity.

But the UP College of Medicine will never be my home.

My home will always be in the hearts of the people who have, along the way, touched my life in such astounding ways, molding me to become the person I am now. In the past seven years, I have found friendships that stood the test of time, pressure, and diasagreements. I encountered colleagues and mentors who inspired me to dream big and expand my vision to go beyond the usual and the expected. I met patients who showed me that sickness will never be a hindrance to living a full and happy life. Realistically though, I also saw people who allowed depression and sadness to take over their whole beings, and I would hate to become like them. Most importantly, I learned to appreciate the unconditional love of my family that gives and gives, a love that I was only too eager to reciprocate. This is also the love that has extended beyond my immediate family to include the one I look forward to a beautiful tomorrow with. =.)

I used to think that for the past seven years, I have been working hard to make myself better. I used to believe that I had to work hard to ensure a good future for myself and for my family. I now know that I got it wrong. It has never been about me. I was never the center of it all. The truth is, it is God who has been working on me for the past seven years to bring me right to where I am now. He orchestrated everything so that I would meet the right people, learn the right things, and acquire all that is necessary to prepare me for the bigger tasks ahead. Med school was merely a stepping stone towards the real work that is up ahead. And with God on my side, guiding me all the way, success is definitely inevitable.

The assignment is quite daunting, but I would be nothing if not up to it. I am fully equipped. My God has made sure of that. With much faith, courage, and boldness, I am looking forward to taking the next step.

I am happy. I am strong. I am right where I am supposed to be.

It's about time I give something back.

.isang nobela para kay Ate.

2009-02-13T21:10:00.005+08:00

Sometimes, I wish we didn't have to grow old. That things could stay just the way they always have been. Growing old, or growing up for that matter, would always entail change.

************************
Growing up, my big sister was my idol. My mom used to dress us in these cute,little outfits that made us look like baby dolls, making sure that we were wearing identical clothes so that we wouldn't get jealous of each other. At the time, Ate towered over me by a good five inches at least, making me look like a squirt next to her. But I never minded. I was dressed like her and that was enough to tell me I looked good.

I grew up in her shadow, always being compared to her, but it never gave birth to any bitterness or jealousy in me. I always believed it was an honor. She was an achiever who excelled at everything she did. Being Eden's little sister was a gift from heaven... everybody immediately recognized me and I basked in the attention. I was proud of my Ate and was thankful that they associated me with someone as great as her.

I followed her around, thinking the world of her. I listened closely to whatever new expression she had picked up and repeated them the next day to my classmates. She had these crazy ideas about what to do during weekends, and I went along with every one of them. We played school, and she was always the teacher. We recorded our own voices and created our own plays and scripts, and she always took the role of the evil sister, or the bad mother, and I was always the pathetic little girl that everyone pushed around. I would always back her up as she sang as the lead vocalist. But I never minded. I would have jumped off a cliff with her if she had told me we could fly.

She was my protector. She stood up to kids who bullied me in school and would fight anyone who would dare hurt me. She would always be there in a flash whenever I needed her, never mind that she had classes of her own to attend to. Somehow, I always felt safer when I knew my Ate was somewhere nearby, within reach, just one call away. My teachers knew well enough to call her when I would get into some sort of trouble, or when I would get so upset and end up in a crying fit (which was often, by the way.. world's biggest crybaby here!).

It was Ate who fostered my love for reading. She started reading Sweet Valley Kids and Twins in elementary, and eventually, I followed suit. She wanted to make sure we owned a copy of every single book in the series... and soon, we pretty much did. Of course, we both outgrew Jessica and Elizabeth over time and moved on to other works of literature, but the bookworm that she had managed to bring out in me stayed, and up to now, nothing still beats curling up with a good book during my lazy days. It is to this love of reading that I attribute the fact that I can use English pretty well and have fun playing with words... I thank Ate for instilling that in me.

Soon, we grew tired of playing games and became what most parents dread... teenagers. But we never really gave our parents that much to worry about. We were good kids, pretty much. Ate was my best confidante. Unlike her, opening up about my life didn't come naturally. I envied the way she talked to our mom about anything (even boys!), but I just couldn't seem to do it as easily as she did. I pretty much kept personal things to myself. I would be falling hopelessy infatuated with someone or maybe even be heartbroken, and no one would be the wiser. I kept up a pretty good charade. However, her constant prodding and friendly questioning about my life soon broke through my wall and helped me to open up my world to her. I let her in, and she gladly entered. She offered wonderful words of wisdom, and would always laugh, cry, be angry, jealous or whatever I would be feeling, with me as she would see fit.

Of course, who can forget the times when I would wake up in the middle of the night and hear quiet sobs coming from beside me? Back when we shared a room, I witnessed much of Ate's heartbreaks and frustrations as I overheard (without meaning to) many phone conversations that ended in tears. Finding myself at loss for words, I would offer her nothing more than my arms for a hug, and she would gladly fall into my embrace, sobbing on my shoulders as I tried to comfort her as much as I could. I remember wanting to lash out at that person who had dared hurt my sister that much. Seeing her in tears usually broke me down a lot of times too, and soon, we'd both be crying. Then we'd laugh at how silly we both were, and then eventually fall back to sleep. I may be younger, but never have I felt more protective of anybody else than I have during these times of my sister.

As we both grew older, our paths somehow drifted apart. She began finding work in far and different places, and I started taking my med school more seriously. Our moments together became less and less. We each lived our own lives. And yet, through all these, I never doubted for a minute that my Ate's just around. I always want her to be among the first to share my joy, and I am honored when she does the same for me.

There is a bond between sisters that nothing can break. Ate and I have known each other our whole lives. We understand each other in ways that no one else can. We swap stories, share inside jokes with our equally twisted sense of humor (we make each other laugh... and no one else gets it), fight then make up, trade clothes and shoes,and get into each other's hair (and nerves!). We tell each other theories we make up in our minds about life in general, and attempt to psychoanalyze people and their actions. We share so many interests in common, and yet we are different enough so that our lives never get boring.

We dream dreams together, and having her there to agree with me and have faith with me increases my certainty that they will all come to pass.

After all these being said, I know without a shadow of a doubt that all these memories, no matter how beautiful and how fondly we look back on them, cannot even begin to compare to the more glorious future that lies ahead.

No matter what happens, and no matter how fast the winds of time bring their gusts of change to our lives, I know my Ate and I will never fail to be what we have always been from the very beginning... SISTERS.

Nothing in the world can beat that.

And right now, I could not be happier. :)

*********************************************

Here's to you Ate. I love you.

.first 2009 post.

2009-01-16T23:08:00.004+08:00

A good friend called attention to the fact that I haven't posted an entry for the new year yet. So here I am, half-asleep with eyes half-closed, attempting to come up with something halfway sensible. As yet, I have no idea what I'm going to write so I'm just going to ramble on and on. ;)

The beginning of the year most definitely made a mark on at least 150++ people on the planet. For five years (or seven for several of us), we have been known as UPCM Class 2009. Now it's finally here. The last few months. The homestretch. The end.

I can't tell you how good it makes me feel to actually have the end in sight. For so long it has been a struggle, a battle in the mind, on my part. To finally be graduating from the institution I've called home for seven years brings me, for lack of a better way to describe it, great relief. I cannot thank God enough. It's all by His grace that I am able to reach this point. However, with the clock ticking so loudly on my days in the College, the reality of facing the real world soon enough is also beginning to dawn on me.

I have no idea what I want to do afterwards.

Well, maybe I do. In the vaguest sense. But I still can't give a concrete answer when people ask me about it. For some reason, I just can't bring myself to be all enthusiastic about it for now. Not now when I am still trying to discover within myself what I want to do. Because somehow, I have this feeling that whatever decision I make in the next few months will be on the most major life choices I will ever have to make. Whatever I choose to do will change my life forever. And that's something I do not want to rush into.

Sometimes, I want to be just like everyone else. I want to start planning, to start looking into opportunities, and to start asking around about it. I want to be all set. But I am not. Not yet, anyway.

Something great lies ahead. I just know it.

**********************************

Sorry. I didn't want to dedicate an entire entry to med school, so I ended it quite abruptly. That was not how I wanted to start the year. After all, I've always looked as med school as merely something to go through. A training ground of sorts to prepare me in particular ways for the role that I am supposed to play in the Grander Scheme of things. I have never allowed it to define me, nor have I let it seep through my entire being so that it becomes the only thing that keeps me going.

**********************************

This Year 2009, I will...

...ENJOY MY LIFE! An unhappy life is not a life worth living. I choose to be happy no matter what.

...Take bolder, surer, and more confident steps toward the future.

...Not allow people or circumstances to dictate who I am and what I can or cannot do.

...Clear my mind of things that keep me up all night.

...Pick my dreams up from where I left them, dust them off, and begin to bring them to life once again.

...Put first things first.

...Make choices that matter.

...Strengthen my self-esteem.

...No longer blame myself for every single thing that seem to go wrong.

...Re-establish and revitalize relationships and create new ones.

...Appreciate people and focus on their strengths, rather than on their misgivings.

...Be generous with GRACE, not just with others, but even with myself.

...Put others first.

...LOVE MORE.

...UNDERSTAND MORE.

...GIVE, GIVE and GIVE.

...Learn what it truly means to submit.

...Not be easily offended.

...Not compare myself with others.

...Appreciate who I am and who I was made to be.

...Allow me to be me.

...LOVE PEOPLE TO JESUS.

***********************************************

Let's just hope everything goes according to plan.

Happy New Year to us all!

I love you Dear.

.celebration.

2008-12-26T18:58:00.003+08:00

It's the day after Christmas and finally, I'm home! I spent Christmas Day on duty in Ward 16 of PGH. If not for the constant greetings of "Merry Christmas!" from people I ran into, yesterday felt much like any other ordinary day. I spent Christmas monitoring hypertensive postpartum patients, listening for almost nonexistent fetal heart sounds from about 20-week pregnant women, and extracting body fluids from people I barely know. I almost forgot it was Christmas. The rest of my family trooped to Pampanga as was our yearly tradition, and I wasn't there with them. That bummed me out a little.

We did get to have our own little celebration though. All of us interns and the residents of Service B brought food and drinks to share for dinner. So we all got together at around 9pm, stuffed our faces with the feast we managed to put together (and a feast it definitely was!), and laughed at each other as people took turns at the Magic Sing. It somehow made our duty feel a bit more festive.

However, given the choice, it still wouldn't have been the way I wanted to celebrate Christmas. Of course, who would want to spend it in a hospital anyway? But Christmas, to me, will never be about the food and the festivities and the parties that instantly appear at every corner once the season starts to make its presence felt.

Christmas, first and foremost, will always be about Jesus. It's a time of remembering, not only that He was born, but that He came to be our Saviour, our Redeemer. We celebrate not just His birth, but that He died and rose again to give us life. CHRISTmas will never be Christmas without CHRIST, after all. Christmas is the day of remembering the manifestation of the greatest LOVE of all... that God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, Jesus, that whoever believes in Him will not perish, but have everlasting life. That's why it should be Christmas everyday.

However, society established it as a special day that comes once every year... and given the rarity with which it occurs, it's a day that I would much rather spend with people I love. It's supposed to be a day when everyone is off work or school, and an opportunity to be together after a year of minding our own businesses.

I love little celebrations. I like making people's small victories feel like it's the best thing that could happen to them. You could have won an oustanding award, or just simply learned something new, I still want you to feel like you deserve a grand celebration for what happened. But it doesn't have to be grand at all. For me, being together in moments of joy is the best way to celebrate. When you get right down to it, I am not really a party person. I would rather have intimate moments - like getting together for coffee with few of my closest friends, a sweet date just walking along the beach (or, technically... Manila Bay.. hehe. Hello Dear!), or a quiet dinner with family - than go to a party where the music is blasting out of gigantic speakers and the alcohol is making people act weird (and stupid).

That was how I wanted to spend Christmas. I wanted a celebration where I could simply be with people I love.

Because Christmas is always about LOVE. It was inspired by LOVE and so let's celebrate it the way it was meant to be.

Let's celebrate it with much LOVE.

***************************************

I will be welcoming Year 2009 in the Labor Room and Delivery Room of PGH. Yup, I'm on duty again on the 31st of December. Great.

Consolation. I will be seeing the very first PGH baby of 2009. Wow.

***************************************

Miss you much Dear. Sana SQTT na tayo soon. ;)

.post duty post. (warning: unedited)

2008-12-17T21:54:00.004+08:00

I am now officially about to begin my fourth week in OB-GYN. So far, I have been enjoying myself, although I am all the more convinced that this is really not the specialty for me. I have nothing against it in general. In fact, I find it fun and exciting at times. Really. I just can't see myself doing nothing but OB-GYN in the future.

I went on duty last night in Ward 15... and may I say benign? :) What with the nurses doing the monitoring for patients on q3, q4 and q shift (please see Lopao's blog for details.. hehe), I was left with only a single patient to monitor every two hours. The rest of the time, I was either staring off blankly into space or attempting to read my Williams. For the most part though, I was asleep. I was kind of concerned that the nurses may already be classifying me as just another slacker intern. But there really was nothing to do, so I just told myself to be thankful for little holidays. It's not everyday you get to sit down for majority of your duty.

When you think about it though, I really would rather have a relatively toxic duty compared to my very benign duty last night. For one, time flies faster when you're actually doing something (the 24 hours passed so slooooowly last night). Plus, I like the feeling of tiredness that comes after a very "active" duty. I like lying down in bed, freshly bathed, the aches in my muscles wearing away as I succumb to a sweet, sweet sleep. But more than that, I like the feeling of accomplishment that comes with a job well done on duty. Not to be arrogant, but I think I am a relatively decent intern, and I'd like to think that I do my responsibilities well enough. I may never be an outstanding intern for anything, but I know that with my performance, I'd get a few smiles from my superiors, colleagues, and patients alike, and that is enough for me.

****************************************

For quite a while now, I have been seriously questioning myself and my abilities. If I may be so bold (and negative at that), I feel like I have regressed to a certain level. There was a time in my life when I couldn't care less about what other people thought of me. That was a time when I had no desire whatsoever for recognition of all the good things I do. I just do them because the love in my heart wouldn't make me do otherwise. When I didn't bother with whatever other people did with their lives that made them happy because I was secure in the knowledge that I was also happy with whatever I was doing.

Blame it on the fact that I haven't been feeding my spirit lately with healthy Word-food. Lately, I find myself comparing myself with other people and ending up on the losing end. I don't remember anymore how it started... but it now feels like I've dug a hole and I keep burying myself deeper and deeper into it. I see other people's lives and envy them for the direction they seem to be going to. I feel jealous of their passions and how they manage to turn these passions into results even with all the other things they do.

I mean, come on. Look at me. What can I do? I am a medical student, but not really a remarkable one at that. I can barely hold my grasp on concepts together. I do my job fairly well enough, but who doesn't? A greater percentage of interns in PGH are responsible individuals. Slackers and scummers are just a handful (I think). I guess I can write, but a lot of other people can do that too, and even better. What makes me think I am special? I can carry a tune, but not well enough to sing in public and merit a thunderous applause from the listeners. I am not a terrible dancer, but I cannot do it well enough to do it competitively or professionally. I know how to play the guitar, but not creatively enough to concoct my own tunes from nothing.

I guess you can say I have been feeling quite... what's the word? Bland... and unspecial. Whatever I do, someone else does better. People I barely know regard me based on my relationships with people who they know better. They see me and immediately think of somebody else. My wisecracks? Probably influenced by my close friends at the moment. My plans for the future? Formulated because of what somebody else wants. My decisions? Based on other people's opinions.

I used to think of myself as a good person who can make others happy, but apparently, other people can do even that better that I can.

I just want to know who I am, show that to the world and be appreciated for that.

Things like this shouldn't be a struggle, right? Because knowing who you are and being that person should be effortless and natural. Because that's how you really were created to be. That's how you were made and designed. So why am I feeling like this? Listen to me. This is quite depressing.

Maybe it's because I have removed my eyes from the very Person that matters and started to turn my vision on the circumstances and people that surround me. I started to measure my worth based on what the world thinks is important.

But I am now being reminded of this very important thing. That my worth can only be determined by the price that God paid to redeem me. It is the greatest and most expensive price of all: the blood of His only Son, Jesus Christ. Who can compare to that? How can the King of kings and Lord of lords, Ruler of all, so majestic, pay so great a cost for someone like me?? It's astonishing, mind-boggling to say the least. It's too good to be true, and yet I just can't help but choose to believe it and receive with every inch of my being. It is consistent with who He is, and it defines exactly who I am.

I am His.

I have forgotten what it is like to be passionately, irrevocably in love with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. And I have failed to focus on the only thing that matters: that my Lord, my God, and my Savior is also very passionately and irrevocably in love with me. ME. The real me. My Jesus knows me inside out and still He loves me. Nothing I do will ever make him love me less. I cannot do anything to make Him disapprove of me and want to disqualify me. I am permanently etched in His mind and heart. Imagine that! He fashioned me so lovingly with His hands, equipping me with everything that I might need to thrive and conquer in this life, and filling me with all the potentials for happiness and success.

I have forgotten that His standards and the world's standards are very, very different... miles apart.

I have nothing to prove to the world because I do not owe the world anything. I do not have to compete with anyone for anybody's approval. I do not have to perform to get people to like me and appreciate me because in my Father's eyes I am already perfect. Why? Because of what Jesus did. He took my place. His grace is enough to make me sit next to the Father in the heavenly places. And nothing, nothing the world can offer, can ever beat that.

Who cares what they can do? Who cares what I can't do? I am called with a purpose, a purpose that is solely mine. There is no one else in this world who can fulfill whatever God has called me to because that is my place. That is my calling. That place is mine. Whatever happens, the gifts and the callings of God are without repentance. They can do whatever they want with their lives, but as for me (and my house!), we're going to serve the Lord. Everything I see in the world right now, they are all temporal. Dig deeply enough and you will find that every worldly attempt at success, fame and recognition is rooted at only one thing: selfishness. Self-preservation. Who wants to join a dirty rat race like that? I run my own course, and I run with my personal Trainor and Guide. They can have their fame and fortune. I have my Jesus, and with Him, I have everything. Literally, figuratively... spiritually, materially. Everything.

I will not be moved by what I see and what I feel.

I am His beloved. And that defines entirely who I am.

*********************************************

Hope this entry clears up some things Dear. Ehehe.

MOA dear. Be benign sa duty mo! Mwah! I love you.

*********************************************

.samutsari.

2008-11-27T20:41:00.003+08:00

Maybe some people are really meant to cross your life only once. You spend a short time with them, and then that's it. And all that's left with you are the memories of all the good times you've shared with them. Purely good. And you keep them alive in your heart, while at the back of your mind, there is always that painful possibility of never seeing them again.

That's Tita Mayet for us. And the entire Kuhonta family.

I will never forget you. Thank you for accepting us so warmly in your family. We love you... and we will always miss you.

************************

My Community Medicine rotation was over too soon. Now that I have already had my first day in OB-GYN, my 6 weeks in San Juan, Batangas now feels so much like a dream.

Cliche as it may seem, I learned so much in the past weeks. But it's not your typical, community-related learnings.

1. Every person has a story to tell. All he needs is someone who will listen.
2. Things become special when people believe they are special.
3. Nothing cheers up a home better than genuine laughter.
4. Kids will always be kids. The best we can do is let them be.
5. Let ourselves be kids too.
6. You don't have to have the answer to everything.
7. You just may have the answer to something.
8. Leaders come in different sizes, shapes and styles. Good perception sees the leader even in the quietest person.
9. One man's problem is everyone else's project.
10. A little love goes a long way.

These are just off the top of my head. My head (and my heart for that matter) is filled with so many memories of San Juan that I am too overwhelmed to put everything into words at present.

I am a simple person with simple pleasures. I love the simple life. I can live like this forever.

*************************

Today was my first day in OB-GYN. Once again, the familiar faces and places in the Department was thrown in my face with abrupt intensity. There, again hanging thick in the air, is the recurrent feeling of tension and nervousness that comes with every duty, every conference, and such like.

But I can do this. All by the grace of God. No need to fear.

************************

There is something weird in the air. I can't put a finger to it... But I think I need time to sort a few things out within myself. I have been feeling things I know I shouldn't feel and don't want to feel.. and I need to relearn how to control my emotions.

Thank You Lord for the wisdom.

************************

I wanted this to be a good entry... but it's not even halfway that. Oh well, maybe next time.

Love you Dear. Miss you much. MOA. Sorry I make it so hard for you sometimes. :)

.dear friend.

2008-11-09T20:12:00.003+08:00

Dear Friend,

It's been quite a while since we last spoke. Some things have changed since, I'm sure. I've changed. And I know you can attest for yourself that you have changed, too. That's something we can never stop from happening. But I believe that all these changes can only serve to make us better people, and even better friends.

It has taken me quite some time to get used to the fact that we are no longer together as much as we used to be. I've become used to being around you for so long that I had to get over quite a shock when it suddenly dawned on me that it's not like that anymore. You were practically my best friend. I don't know if I were ever that way to you, but yes, you were my best friend. I've shared so much of my life with you, and I hope that what you shared with me was also your way of making me a part of your life.

It saddens me to think that it may never be that way again... and so up to now, I refuse to accept that our friendship will have that tragic fate. Though we may be apart for now, I know that kindred spirits like us will never be separated for long. I look forward to the next moments that we get to spend together, like we used to.

I would like to think that I have grown up a lot. You would be proud of me, you know. There are so many aspects of life that I am just merely beginning to discover, and I am excited to find out more and more. My dreams are slowly but surely beginning to take shape, and somehow, I am starting to look forward to the glorious future that I am sure is in store for me. I am no longer scared of what lies ahead.. why should I be? It can only be great, after all. Why am I saying this to you? Because I just wanted to let you know that you have made a great contribution to the kind of person I have turned out to be.

As you enter into a new stage of life, I want you to know that I will always share in your joy. I know that you have been created to excel; the years I've witnessed of your life has left no room in my mind for doubting that. I'm sure that this point in your life will be no different. Like all the other journeys you've made and all the other battles you've won, I am certain that you will cruise through this new "endeavor" with much grace, faith, and love. Because that's who you are. That's who God created you to be.

You may not see me as often, and I may not always be present when the important milestones of your life occur... but know that I am just around. No matter what happens, no matter where life takes me, I'll always be your friend. That is a promise I intend to keep.

I miss you friend. I'll be watching you soar.

****************************************

.I Am.

2008-11-02T16:08:00.003+08:00

I love this song... I got this from my blockmate Joyce on one of our "doing-nothing-but-talking" nights in San Juan, Batangas.

Here's "I Am" by Nichole Nordeman.

************************************

Pencil marks on a wall
I wasn't always this tall
You scattered some monsters from beneath my bed
You watched my team win
You watched my team lose
You watched when my bicycle went down again

And when I was weak unable to speak
Still I could call You by name
And I said “Elbow healer, Superhero,come if You can”
And You said “I am”

Only 16, life is so mean
What kind of curfew is at ten PM
You saw my mistakes
You watched my heart break
Heard when I swore I’d never love again

When I was weak, unable to speak
Still I could call You by name
And I said “Heartache Healer, Secret-keeper, be my Best Friend”
And You said “I am”

You saw me wear white
By pale candlelight
I said forever to what lies ahead
Two kids and a dream
With kids that can scream too much it might seem when it’s two AM

When I am weak, unable to speak
Still I will call You by name
“Oh Shepherd, Savior, Pasture-maker, hold on to my hand”
And You say “I am.”

The winds of change and circumstance blow in and all around us
so we find a foothold that’s familiar
And bless the moments that we feel You nearer
Life had begun
I was woven and spun
You let the angels dance around the throne
Who can say when
But they’ll dance again, when I am free and finally headed home

I will be weak, unable to speak,
Still I will call You by name
“Creator, Maker, Life-sustainer,Comforter, Healer, My Redeemer,Lord and King, Beginning and the End, I am, yes, I am.”

********************************

I love you Dear. Missing you terribly. :)

.reflections on week 1.

2008-10-25T22:32:00.008+08:00

Just came back from San Juan, Batangas. I worked on my reflection paper earlier today, and I think medyo naging OA ako with details. Ang haba tuloy ng paper ko. Hehe. Anyway, tinatamad na ko gumawa ng separate blog entry, so to imitate Lops, post ko na lang din dito. Ang haba masyado e, I think ieedit ko pa to. Wehehe.

Here goes.

Reflection Paper, Week 1

Cluster 7

(Calubcub 1.0, Calubcub 2.0, Abung, Subukin)

To say that I had my apprehensions before we left for Batangas would be an understatement. All orientations in the world could hardly prepare us for the reality that is San Juan. Despite what anybody said, we already had our own preconceived notions of what Community Medicine would be like, and I am sure we all stubbornly chose to stick to those notions until we saw for ourselves the real thing.

Coming to San Juan on that humid noon made a wave of nostalgia wash over me, as I took in the sights and the sounds that made up the town proper. Having grown up spending months at a time in a provincial setting, I felt like a little kid all over again, about to spend her summer vacation at her grandmother’s house. Stepping foot into the Rural Health Unit jolted me back to where I really was and why I was there. We were warmly welcomed by Ate Lani, Kuya Zandro, and Ma’am Arlene, who all gave us a preview of what to expect and what would be expected of us for the next 5 weeks. It was most likely that at this point, there were questions in all of our eyes, questions no one knew how to ask, questions that could most probably only be answered as we all began to immerse ourselves in our respective communities. After listening to them orient us as comprehensively as they possibly can, we then met Dr. Alidio, the town’s Municipal Health Officer, who basically told us the same things and more. He appeared to be an authority on what he does, and I do look forward to working with him more as we continue our rotation.

We couldn’t put it off much longer; the time came for us to finally be dispersed into the four different communities that would be our home for the next few weeks. Nervous but excited, we were pair by pair delivered on to the doorsteps of our foster family’s homes. Another wave of nostalgia washed over me as we trudged along the path that led to Tita Mayet’s house. It was a compound of houses that provided homes to several different families (who were all probably related one way or another), with a wealth of poultry animals and pigs. It was a sight to behold. Tita Mayet’s house was a pleasant surprise, as it was amazingly comfortable, luxurious, and more than enough to keep us satisfied. The house’s charm, however, could not compare to that of Tita Mayet’s, who was, as we fondly described her, as “cool” as foster mothers could most probably be. Not the doting or fussy type, she mostly left us to fend for ourselves, being an elementary teacher who was out for the greater part of the day. However, she would spend time with us in the evenings, making fun of our sore inability to cook, laughing at our anecdotes of the day, sharing with us her inspiring stories of victory (which is another story in itself), and endearing herself to us forever. Coming home to her house in the afternoons is something that I have begun to look forward to everyday.

On our first day, Ate Cecil (one of Tita Mayet’s neighbors) accompanied us to the Barangay Hall and Health Center of Calubcob 1.0. We met the Barangay Captain, who regaled us with stories of previous interns who had come to them. Joyce and I made up our minds right then and there that we would definitely make it our personal goal to establish a good relationship with him and the people of this barangay. We also had our initial encounter with Tita Sabel, the barangay’s midwife, and the Tuesday group of BHWs. They all smiled warmly at us and after brief introductions and talks of what we would be doing the next day. We immediately asked about the cluster meeting that was endorsed to us by the previous block. We knew we would be unable to start anything until after that meeting, so Tita Sabel decided to set a schedule for it as soon as possible (it is now set for Tuesday, Oct 28, 2pm). After saying our goodbyes, we went back home to rest up for the day.

As was agreed upon, we showed up at the BHC the next day for the ECG and Acupunture sponsored by the local congressman. After meeting more BHWs and spending some time with them, we eventually realized that we had no role to play in that particular activity, so we decided to proceed to the other barangays and get to know the people there. Remembering that Tita Sabel mentioned an EPI to be held at Calubcub 2.0 that day, we decided to make that our first stop. Two patients, both pediatric, came for consultation. We assessed and managed these patients, one as a case of viral URTI, and the other of lymphadenitis vs. parotitis. Tita Sabel expertly handled the immunizations and prenatal checkups. I learned about SLK (sampalok, luya, kalamansi) syrup, which I prescribed to our patient with the URTI for cough relief. It was at that point when I realized that we had to learn more about alternative and herbal medicines, since the center couldn’t possibly have a supply of all the medications that patients might need, and the nearest drugstore was not easily accessible to the townspeople. Western medicine can be expensive, and could possibly be an unnecessary expense if there are alternative but equally effective treatments available.

We wanted to go to Subukin and Abung, but was hindered in doing so when we were told that Tita Ditas, the midwife of these two barangays, was unavailable at the moment for she was handling a delivery (which, disappointingly, we were not able to come to – we wanted to meet her right away to tell her that we want to come along with her on her deliveries). The BHWs of Abung, on the other hand, were still in Calubcub 1.0 for the ECG thing, so we decided to put it off for another day.

The next day was spent holding clinics at Calubcub 1.0; however, only one patient, a case of bronchial asthma, showed up for consultation. The BHWs took care of the vital signs part of the examination, but failed to fill up the form for the danger signs. We were wondering how to respectfully tell them to fill it up, knowing that they’ve already undergone the training for it, but lacking confidence, we decided to let it slip this one time. However, we decided that we will be more firm in the coming days. The best way to gauge if the training they went through was truly effective is to see them apply it properly in their daily duties at the center.

We spent most of the day listening to the BHWs chat about their daily lives. Every once in a while, they would ask us to correlate medically the things they deal with everyday, such as stress, hypertension, and even pregnancy. They also gave much ado over this magnetic bracelet that was sold the previous day at the ECG and Acupunture (costs ranged from P2500 to P5000). They talked of choosing to buy the bracelet over buying maintainance medications for hypertension and high cholesterol levels, believing it to be more effective. It was disheartening. However, we couldn’t impose our knowledge on them since they didn’t ask. Personally, I am all for alternative medicine. I have practiced acupuncture in the past and believe in its therapeutic benefits. But to believe that a magnetic bracelet could become a substitute for other medications could only be detrimental to these people’s health. Health is a right – people, whether they are aware of it or not, actually do lay claim on that right by doing what they believe is best for them. But it is right knowledge that leads to right decisions. In part, it is our responsibility to share what we know with them, so that they may be able to make wise health decisions for themselves. Access to health care once they've made their decision is another issue altogether.

The rest of the week was generally the same – getting to know the people of the barangay, their health-seeking behavior, their lifestyle, and more. It feels much like being invited to take part in a play where all the parts have already been decided and we were just but mere additions to the already colorful exhibit. Cluster 7 is a fully functional group of barangays – but that’s not to say that there’s no more room for improvement. I still hold the same beliefs – the changes that might happen won’t probably be so drastic that concrete improvements can be seen immediately, but I sincerely believe that subtly, slowly, we are making progress in working together with the community for the betterment of the health and health care situation of the people of San Juan, Batangas.

*******************

MOA ako kapag asa San Juan beh. Super! Mwah!

.i am free.

2008-10-12T17:35:00.005+08:00

It took me quite a while to get to one of my greatest life's conclusions, but I am finally here. Are you ready for this?

I am happy.

Yes, that's right, I definitely am. After long months over agonizing about not being where I really want to be, I finally realized that I can only be as happy as I choose to be. And now, I decide that I am going to choose to be at my happiest every single day.

Without realizing it, I have come to the point where dissatisfaction became my security blanket... My excuse for not doing my assignment with much joy and passion. I did everything halfheartedly, thinking that I am not where I am supposed to be anyway, and blaming everything around me but myself. I rushed through situations and experiences, wishing my days to go faster than they should just so I could already get to the end of this particular journey. Unhappiness became my friend and mediocrity my confidante. It seeped through my entire being until I grew so accustomed to it that I felt like something was missing when I didn't have something to be miserable about.

It was a tiring way to live.

I have never felt so free before in my life. Learning and understanding the grace of God, the finished work of the Lord Jesus Christ, has set me free.

I am already complete in Christ. Nothing missing, nothing broken. Whole.

I don't have to work to please other people. What they think about me does not matter. I know my God loves me and is pleased with me no matter what... That's more than enough.

I am created in the image and likeness of God. When I begin to forget who I really am, I look into the mirror of the Word of God and see myself clearly. I am who God says I am.

I can be happy and not feel guilty about it.

I will not apologize for being blessed and highly favored because that's what I am. Can I help it if my God wants me to enjoy life?

I will celebrate life the way it is supposed to be celebrated. And I welcome anyone who wants to join me in the festivities.

I love my family and friends and I will do whatever it takes to be a blessing to them... But I refuse to allow my life to be controlled by anyone else other than the God-and-me tandem.

I do what I do because it's a gift from God. And my God who loves me has not (and never will) give me an assignment that I cannot enjoy.

I have a led a great life in the past... but I look forward to so much more. Living in the NOW is the best thing I can decide to do.. for NOW.

I will remove the phrase, "I didn't have a choice" in my book. I refuse to let anything happen in my life that I did not choose to do... When something beyond my control does happen, I know I can still CHOOSE to rest and trust in God.

Jesus paid it all. Jesus loves me.

I am free. I am free. I AM FREE.

Glory to God!

.post dooty post.

2008-09-19T21:40:00.004+08:00

I am now in the last leg of my 2-month Pediatrics rotation. I will be spending the next 2 weeks in the Pedia ER, and then I shall be done with the Department forever.

Or maybe not.

I don't know. I haven't admitted it to anyone, but these past few weeks, I have been enjoying myself despite all the toxicities that come with the rotation. More than once, I have had to go on every-other-day duties in order to make adjustments for the lack of manpower we are currently experiencing in our block. I have experienced having to stay overtime with my blockmates in the wards, the delivery room, and in the neonatal intensive care unit, just to ensure that all our assigned work are done. I've pushed stretchers, bassinets, and oxygen tanks. I've facilitated requests for blood, laboratories, and other things a bantay ought to be doing.

It gets so tiring sometimes that I fall asleep the instant my back hits the bed (that's why I make sure to never lie down until after I take a bath.. hehe) and wake up just in time to go back to PGH again. I've lost much weight over the past few weeks that my mom demanded to take me out to dinner the last time they came over to bring my stuff and visit me.

Every single day, I can find something to complain about - the workload, the orders that come at you left and right, the overload of patients - and yet every day, I know I can also find something to smile about.

For quite some time now, I have been entertaining the idea of taking some time off after graduation and after the board exams. I've been wanting to take a break from medicine and use up some time to discover myself, plunge into other activities in an effort to find out what I really want to do with my life, and recapture a positive attitude towards life and work.

But now... maybe I don't want to do that.

I am not saying with certainty that I do want to go into Pediatrics. There are still some aspects of the specialty that leave me having second thoughts about doing it for the rest of my life. I still do not want a lifestyle that will cost me too much time away from my family (both the present and the future), my church, and everything else that I hold dear.

What I am gradually discovering is that maybe I do want to practice medicine after all. Maybe I am slowly beginning to see myself immersed in the profession. Maybe I am starting to realize that there is a higher purpose to everything, that there is a bigger picture worth considering. Maybe, it is beginning to sink in that I truly am made for this, right from the very start.

I believe God has been leading me up to this point the whole time. And the journey is not over yet.

I am pretty much a simple person. Little things bring me great joy, and little celebrations of life constitute much of my everyday happiness. Most of the time, I do not understand how the complexities of the world work, but that suits me just fine. I do not seek to change the world, but I know that as I continue working on changing myself for the better, things around me will also little by little begin to change.

Every day, I try to be a good daughter (really working on that! hehe), a good sister (miss you ate!), and a good friend (and a good girlfriend, too!). These are the things that are important to me. It becomes easier when I acknowledge that all these things come through the grace of God, that it is never by my own efforts that I am able to do the things that I do. Everything I need to be able to fulfill all these roles perfectly have already been deposited on the inside of me by God. Everything has already been accounted for by the finished work of Jesus Christ.

I therefore conclude... I already have what it takes to be a good doctor.

It's all here. On the inside of me. And it's been here the whole time. Waiting to be discovered. Waiting to be released.

Glory to God!

***************************

Miss you dear. I know you're loving Community Medicine... pero uuwi ka pa din ha? hehe.

Love you my homi.

MOA.

.wala na namang magawa.

2008-08-31T19:30:00.004+08:00

Post duty ako. E nagising ako nung dumating sina Mama at Papa e. Tas hindi na ko makatulog ulit. Kaya eto. Hehe. Got this from my friend Norman's blog. (Thanks Norman!)

1. What do you say most when you're trying not to curse?
I really don't curse... never did, never want to. So when i'm not pleased with something, I go "Awww... shucks!" or "OMG!" (as in oh my goolai!)

2. Do You Own An Ipod?
Alarmingly, no. Really, really want one, though. (*hint, hint*)

3. What Person On Your Top 8 on Myspace Do You Talk To The Most?
I don't have a myspace profile.

4. What Time Is Your Alarm Clock Set To?
5:30 am. Then I keep snoozing until 6:15.

5. Do You Want To Fall In Love?
Already did. Now we're growing in it. naks. ;)

6. Do You Wear Flip-Flops When It's Cold?
I wear flipflops anytime.

7. Would You Rather Take The Picture Or Be In The Picture?
BE IN THE PICTURE!! Of course! hehe.

8. What Was The Last Movie You Watched?
AVSL. A Very Special Love. Mwahahaha!

9. Do Any Of Your Friends Have Children?
Yep.

10. Has Anyone Ever Called You Lazy?
Yes. My mom. Hahahaha!

11. Do You Ever Take Medication To Help You Fall Asleep?
Nope. Spending more than 24 hours in PGH is enough to make you fall asleep anytime possible. and i mean ANYTIME.

12. Do You Prefer Regular Or Chocolate Milk?
Chocolate milk! I love having Chuckie with breakfast. :)

13. Has Anyone Told You A Secret This Week?
I think so.. on one of my gab sessions with a blockmate.

14. When Was The Last Time You Had Starbucks?
Ang tagal nang hindeeee!!!! I want, i want!

15. Can You Whistle?
in a very funny way... hehe. pilit na pilit.

16. Do You Have A Trampoline In Your Back Yard?
nope. no backyard nga e. always wanted one, though. both the trampoline AND the backyard.

17. Do You Think People Talk About You Behind Your Back?
oh, definitely. ganun talaga kapag sikat ka at maganda. keri lang. mwahahahaha! kidding.

19. Did You Watch Cartoons As A Child?
siyempre naman!

20. What Movie Do You Know Every Line To?
probably the eternal Titanic. and Moulin Rouge. and i think i've memorized every episode of Friends. adik.

23. Do You Own Any Band T-Shirts?
Faithmusic Manila. Hehe. ;)

24. What Is Your Favorite Salad Dressing?
Caesar's. Or hundred island. yun lang alam ko e. simpleng mamamayan. ehehe.

25. Is anyone in love with you?
Yes. =.)

26. Do You Do Your Own Dishes?
Have to sa apartment. kapag asa bahay, minsan-minsan lang. nagpapaka-senyorita, di naman bagay. wehehe.

27. Ever Cry In Public?
Ay.. OO.

30. Do you think you could ever be in love?
Definitely.

31. Would You Ever Date Anyone Covered In Tattoos?
Ayaw ko. Di siya makakapagdonate ng blood sa blood bank.

32. What Did You Do Before This?
natulog.

33. When Was The Last Time You Slept On The Floor?
last time ata na nakauwi ako sa 'min. i fall asleep on the living room floor every time.

34. How Many Hours Of Sleep Do You Need To Function?
Learned how to function even with no sleep e... pero medyo bangag. Give me at least an hour's worth of sleep, ok na ko. pero walang manggugulo kapag post duty na ko!!!! Hehe.

35. Do you eat breakfast daily?
Nope. have to make do with just cookies and milk sometimes.

36. Are Your Days Full And Fast Paced?
sometimes. sometimes it feels real slow. these days, tatlo na lang ang araw para sa akin... pre-duty, duty, post-duty. i easily lose track of what day of the week it is nowadays.

37. What are you doing right now?aside from this?
listening to music and trying to shut out other thoughts.

38. Do you use sarcasm?
a lot. nakakainis na nga ata ako minsan e.

39. Have You Ever Been In A Fight?
Yep.

40. Are You Picky About Spelling And Grammar?
Yes, I am.

41. Have You Ever Been To Six Flags?
Ano un? igno.

42. Have you ever got beaten up?
No!!

43. Do you like Rain or Sun?
Rain. definitely. but only when im indoors and wrapped up in a thick blanket, watching a feel-good movie, with a cup of coffee or hot chocolate in hand. tagal ko nang hindi nagagawa un. just don't like wading in floodwaters. hehe.

44. Do You Get Along Better With The Same Sex Or The Opposite?
i think i make friends with guys easier... mas madali kasi makipagbiruan sa kanila. instant rapport. di ko kasi masyado nakakasundo 'yung mga tipong super girly na girls. wehehehe. basta ganun. i love having girlfriends na nakakausap ko ng matino tungkol sa mga seryosong bagay.. at pinipili ko lang ang mga kinakausap ko ng ganun.

45. Do you like mustard?
Yup yup! loads of it on a hotdog sandwich.

46. Do You Sleep On Your Side, Stomach, Or Back?
malikot daw ako matulog e... but i'm most comfortable on my side.

47. Do You Watch The news?
yep yep.. lalo na kapag wala nang ibang mapanood.

48. How Did You Get One Of Your Scars?
the one on my right upper lid... got it by hitting my head on the corner of a coffee table when i was about 4 years old. malikot!

49. Who Was The Last Person To Make You Mad?
Sikreto ko na 'yun!

50. Do you like anyone?
i like lots of people. ;)

51. What Is The Last Thing You Purchased?
Scrubs from ate rose!!! hehe. i call them my happy scrubs... binili ko un after feeling so bad and drained after one of my ward patients died. so i splurged on scrubs! hehe.

.thinking out loud.

2008-08-25T20:23:00.005+08:00

Congratulations to my dear dear Ate Kat who now has the official right to append MD to her name... I am soooooo proud of you Ate. Maybe even more so because I know you outside of med school. I know you were an excellent student (Most Outstanding Intern ba naman.. san ka pa?), but I think you are an even more outstanding person. Ate Honey was right about you in what she wrote in her blog. You are an inspiration Ate.. Thank you so much! I am so happy for you Doc Ate Kat! ;)

**************************

It's been a while since I last wrote something that wasn't so gut-wrenchingly dramatic. I was going over my past entries and I couldn't help but cringe. Hehe. Masyado ko kasing kinukumplika ang buhay ko, e pwede namang gawing simple at masaya. Keri lang lagi. The joy of the Lord is my strength. ;)

**************************

I'm currently rotating in Pediatrics, finishing my 1st week in Ward 9. Wala pa akong masabi. So far, ok naman. The first two weeks in OPD and ER (as relievers) went well, but they were not really that special, to say the least. Nag-enjoy naman ako, especially kapag may Cute Baby patient ako (3 clinics yan e.. Well Baby, Sick Child, and Cute Baby... hehe. Kidding). It gave me a rush to find out that I diagnosed my patient correctly and thought of the right work up for his condition. Pero ewan. Napapaisip pa din ako if I want to do this forever. Hmm. Maybe I should just leave Pedia to Lops instead. I should think of a new automatic answer na to anyone who asks. Hehe. ;)

Ward duties are tiring as always. I just got off an every-other-day duty and feeling ko ubos ang energy ko. Hehe. And I really really DO NOT like the monitoring post. Ewan ko. It's not that it's a waste of time. I mean, there are anecdotal incidents where allegedly stable patients were found coded or at least, with deranged vital signs after a few hours of not being monitored. Draining lang din siguro talaga ikutan mag-isa ang isang buong ward with about 45 patients. Tas ang dami pang mga magulang na magtatanong sa 'yo tungkol sa anak nila, e most of the time naman, hindi mo talaga kilala yung pasyente nila kasi sa ibang service sila. Nagmomonitor ka lang talaga. Kaya ang hirap sumagot. Baka mamaya kung ano pa masabi mong mali.

Actually, ang totoo nyan, pinaka-kinakabahan ako kapag monitoring ako. Lalo na kapag maraming Q1 patients. I still have one very very clear memory of a monitoring moment gone wrong... hindi biro yun kasi namatay yung pasyente in the end. I hate feeling like it's your fault the patient died. I never forgot that that patient. As in. Another baby died on us last duty, and let me tell you... it wasn't a good feeling doing chest compressions on a premature 2-day old baby girl... and then seeing her eventually die. It wasn't nice hearing our residents tell the bantay (who wasn't the mother, BTW.. the mother left to take care of other things for the baby) that we already did everything we could. And it especially didn't help to see a little bundle wrapped in cloth still lying there a few hours after the incident, still waiting for its mother to find it dead.

The other day, one of our clerks who was on monitoring post was hitting herself with the thought that it was her fault that one of the babies died. The baby coded before 7am that morning and she was seen by the clerk last at 5:30 am. I consoled her, saying, "Hindi mo naman kasalanan na namatay siya e. Toxic na talaga siya in the first place. Ginawa mo naman kung ano ang dapat mong gawin e. Hindi mo kasalanan yun, wag mong sisihin ung sarili mo."

And yet up to now, a small part of me still blames myself for that patient in IM ward who died because I did not refer when I found her dyspneic a few minutes before she coded and eventually died.

I do not like wards where patients can die anytime. Kaya ayaw ko na ata mag-Pedia. Gusto ko buhay ang mga pasyente ko. Gusto ko masaya sila kapag pupunta sila sa 'kin. Pwede bang ganun? Hehe.

****************************

At oo nga pala. May kapatid na 'yung anak kong si Carl from Ward 9 din last year. Si Baby Ashley ko. Aampunin ko na 'yun. Pano inabandona na siya ng ina. 3 months na siya sa ward. Anak ko na lang 'yun. Kaya lang wala pa silang ama... ayaw pumayag e. Sige na Lops, ampunin na natin. Wehehe. Kidding. Pero love ko na 'yun si Ashley. Sobra.

****************************

Nakakatuwa kasi last week nakausap ko si Ate Mariael. Aside from the fact na ang tagal-tagal na naming hindi nag-uusap ng ganun, masaya pa talaga kasi 'yung pinag-usapan namin. Well, I'm not going to do anything drastic naman anytime soon, pero at least I have a vague idea of what I want to do in the very near future.

Thank God for friends like you Ate.

****************************

At salamat din sa aking pamilya na kahit lagi kong tinutulugan ay hindi pa rin nagsasawang suportahan ako sa kahit anong ginagawa ko.

I can think of no better model of God's unconditional love than you guys. Mahal na mahal na mahal ko po kayo. Maraming salamat po! ;)

***************************

And here's to coming full circle m'love. I love you Homi ko. ;)

***************************

.pambawi sa ranting.

2008-08-16T11:25:00.002+08:00

My, my, my. That was one depressing entry. And I apologize for it.

I have just come to realize that I have subconsciously allowed other people to direct my choices and control my happiness. But it shouldn't be so.

"I think the problem is that we've confused joy with happiness. Happiness is dependent on happenings. Circumstances in your life dictate whether or not you are happy. Joy, on the other hand is a gift from God - a fruit of the Spirit that transcends whatever is happening in your life. Joy allows you to rise —even to soar— above difficult circumstances, challenges, and heartaches. Joy comes from knowing Who is in control and that He has a plan to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11) We do not draw our strength from the great feeling we get when things go right; if we did, we would be powerless when hard times and adversity hit, and we would all be easy pickings for the devil. No, it is the joy of the Lord that is our strength!" ~Alan Riley~

Life is good. I choose to be happy.

**********************************

All of my life, in every season, you are still God. I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship.

.ranting.

2008-08-16T10:11:00.002+08:00

I hate being late.

As far as I can remember, I have always made it a point to come to classes on time, meet appointments right on the dot, and be at the place about 5 minutes before the agreed upon time. Whether that is just good manners or a sign of the obsessive-compulsive disorder, I cannot tell. All I know is that I get agitated when things don't happen at the time that they are supposed to.

I have practiced this all my life. Meeting deadlines for school projects, submitting requirements, arriving where I'm expected... I have grown used to being the first person to come in group meetings. I don't know. I probably learned it from my dad, who sets the all the clocks at home 30 minutes advanced to ensure that we will never be late wherever we have to go.

Maybe that's why I always make sure everything in my life happens exactly when it is supposed to happen, even if it means rushing through some things and giving up quality for the sake of meeting the deadline I have set for myself.

It is a very tiring and draining way to live.

*********************************

I admit it. I am jealous.

I am jealous of people who know what they want to do in life and then they do it.

I am jealous of people who have the courage to turn their backs on what is expected of them in order to pursue with much certainty and assurance the dreams that are fervently burning in their hearts.

I am jealous of people who thrive in their current positions because the decisions they have made have led them there.

And I am just realizing how incredibly pathetic this piece is... because I am sitting here, ranting about all these things, when I could be out there, doing something to change the way things are going.

******************************

No matter how it looks like... I AM GETTING THERE.

And nothing can stop God's plan from coming to pass.

Though everything has changed... my God hasn't. And I am still BEAUTIFUL IN HIS SIGHT. To everything, there is a SEASON. He has made everything beautiful in His time.

I am still the RIGHTEOUSNESS OF GOD IN CHRIST JESUS.

******************************

.moving forward.

2008-08-09T08:26:00.003+08:00

Taken from Ate Honey's blog:

It's always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn't matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over. Slowly, begin to realize that we could not go back and force things to be as they once were.

That is why it is so important to let certain things go. To release them. To cut loose. People need to understand that no one is playing with marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Don't expect to get anything back, don't expect recognition for your efforts, don't expect for your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Complete the circle. Not out of pride, inability, or arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life.

Close the door. Change the record. Clean the house. Shake it off and get rid of the dust. Stop being who you were and become who you are. - P.C.

***************************

There was a lump in my throat as I was reading this entry from Ate Honey's blog which echoed exactly the thoughts that I have been trying to shut out for several months now.

Because I have just come to realize that I will never be truly happy about where I am now if I never learn to accept that the past is already past, and that the best thing to do is look up and move forward.

"...Slowly, begin to realize that we could not go back and force things to be as they once were..."

For so long, I have been trying to take pieces of the past and struggling to string them together to give my life some sense of normalcy. I keep looking back to the "golden years" of my life, thinking how much better it all used to be. I couldn't accept all the many changes that are constantly thrown in my face. I wanted everything to go back to the way they were. I wanted to run back to the comforts of knowing where I stand, of being beside the people whose shadows I have always hidden under. While everyone else around me was finding out who he/she truly is and discovering more and more of himself, I keep myself tied to what used to be, afraid of never finding my way back in, afraid of moving on into turfs unknown.

I have always thought that who I was is so much better than who I am.

Stronghold.

"Complete the circle. Not out of pride, inability, or arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life..."

Now is the time to rise up, square my shoulders, and walk forward. I'll always remember the past - with a smile on my face, and maybe even on occasion let my tears flow freely for it - but I'll no longer waste more than moment in wishing for things that can never be again.

Closing a chapter in my life only means I am now faced with a fresh page to write new stories on.

All new. All fresh. All better.

.the promise.

2008-07-20T17:09:00.003+08:00

A blockmate and close friend once told me that "The Promise" by Martin Nievera was his song for his sweet little four-year-old daughter. He would always sing it with much fervor and feeling whenever we would go out to videoke as a block. I've known the song since high school, but I have never had the chance to really listen to and hear the song until this morning.

Say goodbye
When I can barely say goodnight
If I can hardly take my eyes from yours
How far can I go?

Walk away
The thought would never cross my mind
I couldn't turn my back on Spring or Fall
Your smile least of all

When I say always
I mean forever
I trust tomorrow as much as today
I am not afraid to say I love you
And I promise you
I'll never say goodbye

We're dancers
On a crowded floor
While other dancers leave from song to song
Our music goes on
On and on

And if I never leave your arms
I really would have traveled everywhere
For my world is there

When I say always
I mean forever
I trust tomorrow as much today
I am not afraid to say I love you
And I promise you
I'll never say goodbye

**********************

At the risk of sounding cheesy...

Dear, when I say always, I mean forever...

**********************

Sorry. I just thought that it was incredibly moving for a father to have a special song for his daughter. And the song... it's just the sweetest. I'd like to borrow it sometime if you won't mind Gil. ;)

**********************

I don't want to talk about med school na muna. Glory to God, I'm doing fine, everything's all right. To all my friends and family, I look forward to being with you again. Thanks for being there for me through all these years. Konti na lang, graduation na! All glory to God and to Him alone.

**********************

.glory to God.

2008-06-09T20:02:00.002+08:00

Have you ever felt like doing something that no one expects of you, taking everybody by surprise? That there's this whole different person inside of you, the real you, screaming out and just waiting for the perfect opportunity to manifest herself and show the world what she's made of?

I want to make something of my life... if not for myself, then for all of the people who have somehow helped me to become the person that I am now. I want them to know that all their efforts have not been in vain. I am good ground into whom they have sown their significant seeds.

But most of all, I want to show the world that with God, all things are possible. I want to take the world by surprise and show them that God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put shame to the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty... for the message of the Cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved, it is the power of God. (1 Cor. 1)

I don't have to prove myself to anyone... But I want God to see that He can prove me and find me exactly as He wants me to be.

To God be all the glory!

.one step closer.

2008-05-25T21:51:00.004+08:00

First and foremost, I would like to give all the glory to God for the divine health that both my parents are experiencing. It is definitely true that by the stripes of Jesus, we have already been healed. Jesus bore all sicknesses that we might walk in divine health. To Him be all the glory and honor and praises! And to all the people who have been with us, praying in agreement with our family, receive your abundant harvest for these seeds that you have sown. I honor you!

Ma, Pa, Ate, I love you so much. I can't thank God enough for blessing me with a family as wonderful as ours. I love you!

***************

A few days from now and I'll have already completed my first month of internship at UP-PGH. I spent the first two weeks in Rehab Med and I am presently completing the second week of my Surgery ER rotation. It has been quite a ride going through the motions of it all. With all honesty, the reality of being Dr. Maria Ellen R. Licup (at least, that's what my nameplate says) hasn't quite sunk in yet. I know, I know, I am finally in my seventh and last year of med school... and I have had the past 6 years to internalize what it means to truly be a physician. But truth to be told, I feel no different from how I have always felt.

Truly there is nothing else I can say but glory be to God for everything that has happened. Only by His grace have I been able to get through everything that med school brought before me. Because of Jesus, I can boldly say that I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.

That's the way it has always been.. and that's how I believe it will always be. It's not about me, but it's all about Him. It's not by might, nor by power, but by the Spirit. I will not be moved by what other people say or do. Everything I come face to face with, I must learn to bring it before God and deal with it as He would have me do.

Now is not the time to boast, to be arrogant, to put my nose high up in the air and esteem myself more highly than I ought. If anything, this is the best time to humble myself, and see myself as the student and learner that I truly am. This is the time to finally come to terms with the fact that if I want my dreams to come true, I must learn to listen, to obey, to respect the authority that has been bestowed by God on the people around me. This is the time to recognize the anointing that has been placed onto the people I work with and begin to tap into that anointing.

I know that God has a marvelous plan for my life and it thrills me to the very core to know that I have taken another step in witnessing that plan unfold.

I may not know what my future holds (only that it will be GOO-OOD!), but as long as I know Who holds my future, I know I have nothing to fear.

My life is in Your hands
My heart is in Your keeping
I'm never without love
Not when my future is with You
My life is in Your hands
And though I may not see clearly
I will lift my voice and sing
'Cause Your love does amazing things
Lord I know my life is in Your hands

Thank you to all the people who have been with me in this journey... and it's not over yet. We are merely a step closer to the ultimate. Glory to God!

I choose to make this year my best one yet.

***************

Hello dear! Full circle. Towards that. I love you beh. MOA!! :)

.pagsanjan.

2008-04-24T20:53:00.006+08:00

This is just a a documentation of sorts of my stay in my home away from home. So I'll probably just be rambling on and on but bear with me. It's my blog. Hehe.

I just got back from a three-day vacation in Pagsanjan. It was a luxury getting to stay there from Monday until yesterday (Wednesday). The three-week vacation from PGH didn't exactly turned out the way that I had envisioned it at the start - but I'm not complaining. In all that has happened, I know that I only have everything to gain.

Anyway, back to Pagsanjan. I was already there last weekend. I stayed overnight last Friday because I wanted to come to my cousin Koya Eric's despedida. He and his little daughter Erika were leaving for Canada and were to stay there indefinitely. His wife is already there, and so is their new little daughter, so for all we know, they could be settling down there permanently. So I went. It was great seeing my family there again. I had to leave the next day though, to take care of some things for school and to come to church, but I really had a hard time leaving. I left with a promise to return.

I came back last Monday. This time, we had an outing planned. Ate Emma wanted to treat her inaanak and my cousin Josh to something special for graduating Salutatorian from Prep, so she planned this overnight thing at Splash Mountain in Los Banos and brought us along. There were eight of us all in all, 4 adults and 4 kids. We all had a great time, but we all lost sleep because we had to keep up with the kids' energy, which kept them up and jostling in the water until about four in the morning. By then, we already had to fix our stuff because we had to leave the place by 6am. I am not complaining though. I had the best time playing with the kids, bonding with my titas, and swapping stories and becoming sentimental with one my favorite and closest cousins, Jeff.

I was already feeling a little "post-duty" in the bus as we were making our way back to Pagsanjan the following morning. However, our day wasn't over yet.

After a quick breakfast and quick "decision-making", we then trekked all the way to Lucban, Quezon to see the famed "Kamay Ni Hesus" Shrine. I am not Catholic, so I just wanted to come for "scenic viewing" purposes. Nanay wanted to come too, so it was her, Time, Ate Emma, and me. Nanay kept saying that she wanted to try to climb the 300+ steps that led up to this giant statue of Jesus Christ, and truth to be told, I was a bit concerned at first. At 79, Nanay, though healthier and stronger than most people her age (and looks younger too!), has been complaining a lot these days about her knees and her vertigo. She has also been found to have cardiomegaly and arrhythmia recently - though I know that she is already healed by the stripes of Jesus. Still, I keep telling her to rest. She stubbornly refuses most of the time though, because she always wants to be up and about, doing something around the house and making herself useful. She's so masipag, my Nanay. However, she gets tired more easily now than she used to, so I was quite hesistant about letting her climb up. I had my doubts, and I kept asking her if she were sure about the whole thing. But the determination and the desire in her voice was so evident that all I could do was just let her do what she wants and just be there for her. Time and I took turns assisting Nanay in climbing up the stairs while Ate Emma documented it all by taking pictures and counting the number of steps (301, according to her). We were encouraging Nanay all the way.

Upon reaching the top, Nanay was almost in tears as she looked up the statue and said, "Akala ko hindi ko na mararating ito." And at that point, I knew it was worth it. The pagod, the hassle of the hour-long journey in a cramped jeepney, the heat of the summer sun - it was all worth it to see Nanay smiling like that. Her voice got a bit emotional saying, "Pinagdadasal ko talaga sa Panginoon na bigyan ako ng lakas para gawin ito." She then boldly declared, "God is good all the time!" What to me was just another part of my sightseeing and vacationing was a big thing for Nanay - it was an accomplishment, a dream come true if you must. And I am so grateful to have been given the privilege to be a part of that. The pride in her voice as she told everyone about it when we came back home made me feel so proud of her too. That's when it hit me: My Nanay is a go-getter. She knows what she wants and she does what she can to make it happen. I love her so much. This was one of my favorite parts of my vacation.

It was a tiring day all in all and I spent the next few hours catching up on my sleep. There was still much on our "itinerary". Lopao was coming the next day and we were planning to bring him to Lagaslas so he could get a taste of the looooong river that led all the way to Pagsanjan Falls. I can still remember the rush I felt the next day when I saw him waiting at the bus terminal in Pagsanjan, and I had to tell myself over and over again that he was really there, just to make myself believe it. Seeing him with my family, getting along, laughing with them, sharing stories with them, gave me a joy and a peace that I just can't describe. Full circle. It was amazing. Bitin, but amazing.

Those three days went by too quickly. I remember, years ago, when I would spend the whole of the two months of summer vacation there. I grew up in the presence of Nanay, my titas and titos, my cousins, and everyone else there. Most of my happiest childhood memories are from my vacations in Pagsanjan. I have also witnessed many of our beloved babies there transform from infants to the bibbo kids that they are now.

We are not a perfect family - we have our issues, maybe even more so than your typical Filipino family. We've had more than our fair share of troubles and hang-ups. The drama that lies underneath the happy-go-lucky surface could give many a telenovela a run for their money - but the best thing is that we all go through them together. Family is family, no matter what. We stick together. We help each other. We are there for one another when we need each other. We work things out. And we all believe in the one true God Who has abundantly blessed us with all good things - and has blessed us by placing us in this family.

Pagsanjan is my happy place - and it always will be.

****************

This vacation, I have one other great accomplishment - bonding with my Ate again. During the school year, we hardly ever saw each other. The few times that I did spend at home, we were both either too busy or too tired to do much together. I missed her so much. I miss our talks, the silly things we laugh at that only the two us can understand, the late-night "drama-ramas", the galaan, and all those special things that you can only share with a sister.

Things may have changed a lot now, but one thing for sure - the bond that Ate and I share as sisters is something that NOTHING can ever destroy.

I love you Te. And I treasure these times that we get to spend together. More than you know, more than I can say, more than I can show.

****************

Dear, I am so excited about meeting your family in Jalajala tomorrow.

I love you dear. MOA.

****************

Countdown to internship: 7 days. Bring it on!

.thinking out loud before bedtime.

2008-04-14T22:08:00.004+08:00

I was waiting in line in the washroom last Sunday when this member of our church, who is dentist by the way, tapped my arm and asked me if I had already graduated from med school. I smiled and shook my head, saying that I still had one year of internship to go. She remarked, "Sayang!" Puzzled, I asked her why. She replied by saying that she was affiliated with a clinic within the area. It turns out that they were reopening it this month, and they were in search of Christian doctors who would be willing to practice there. I simply smiled in response, not being licensed at the moment to accept that offer, and then she said, "Di bale, hihintayin na lang kita next year." That was the end of our conversation.

As I walked back to the sanctuary, I thought about what had just happened. Though informal, I had just had my first "job opportunity", if you look at it that way. That was when it hit me. One year to go and then I would have to make my decision on what I wanted to do with my life.

I've always figured I would be involved in something... well, selfless would be one way to put it. I want to do something that would fill me with a sense of purpose and fulfillment. I have always idealized in my mind that I would be more than just the typical white-coated doctor. Self-centered as it may seem, I have even thought of being sent to far-flung areas in the country and becoming the answer to their problems. I have imagined myself doing so much more than merely practicing the medical side of the profession. In a way, that has made me arrogant in thinking that I was probably a better person than all the others who simply wanted to make a good living out of becoming physicians. But God is continually dealing with me and changing my heart. I held on to that vision, knowing that whatever I do and wherever I go, God is on my side and He will definitely prosper all of the works of my hands. I had nothing to worry about.

But now that I am actually here, so near to the end of med school, I realized that everything is still so blurry in my mind. I jump from one idea to another about what I want to do after passing the boards. One minute I want to do undergo a residency training in a certain field, the next, I want to do something very different from medicine altogether (like Law, perhaps.. hahaha). I still cannot give a concrete answer when people ask me a question regarding my future career. I consider options aside from being a physician when thinking about the years that lie ahead. I remember past dreams and how much I used to desire for them, and then wonder if maybe it's not too late to still pursue them anyway.

I go back and forth, tossed by the winds and easily swayed by outside influences. Double-minded and unstable.

Maybe it's because deep down, I still really do not know what I want.

That's why this is my prayer. That this year will be my year of discovery. Discovering where my talents lie, what I can do, what I like doing, where I am happiest, and other things like that. This will be my year to find out in which areas I have been gifted by God in. More than that, this is the time to listen to the heartbeat of God and know what He has mapped out for me.

This is my year to discover that ONE THING that will keep me going every single day, that one thing that will let me know that I am truly carrying out my purpose and fulfilling my assignment from the Lord. To find that one thing that will give meaning to what I do. That one thing in which I know I can best glorify the God who has given me all good things.

This is it. This is my year. This is the year to discover my PASSION.

This is the year to begin pursuing my DESTINY.

*******************

For lack of anything better to do, I started reading my past entries from way back in the earlier months of 2007. Mehn, was I on fire back then! Hahaha! I felt like I was reading about another person's life. But as I went along, I could see how many of the things back then had led up to the way my life is going at present.

To quote from Sunday's FG.... Luuuv it!

*******************

MOA dear. To the nth level.

.weekly report.

2008-04-13T18:47:00.008+08:00

It's been more than a month since my last post. I haven't been updating my blog as often as I would've liked, which is quite a wonder when you think about it since I am officially on vacation. I have been for the last week, I think. You'd think I'd be coughing up entries every single day, but for some reason, I keep coming up blank.

*********************

The past few days went by pretty quickly. So much has happened that I don't know where to start. Okay, for starters, Lopao and I got caught in this "issue" at school, where we found ourselves being made to explain things we really had no idea about in the first place. But that's that, and I know that by the grace of God, it will all work out for the best. For every single person involved. The final decision is still to be made known to us, but we're pretty much already at peace about the whole thing. Hopefully, everyone else is too.

*********************

At the same time that this has been happening, Lopao's Lola Pat went home to the Lord last Thursday. It was sad and surprising for the whole family, and I know that words cannot even begin to express how they all feel about what happened. But I know that they are comforted by the fact that their beloved Nanay and Lola is already in the presence of God, dancing and worshipping before Him, enjoying all the pleasures that Heaven has to offer. The promise of a magnificent reunion in the future is a beacon of light for the entire family.

I have been going to the wake for the past three days, and on my part, it has been quite a ride getting to meet so many of Lopao's relatives. I couldn't possibly remember all of the names, but I remember their welcoming smiles as we were introduced. I had to get used to him saying, "Si Ellen po, girlfriend ko..." - because I've never been introduced that way before. Yes, I still do get a bit shy around them (who wouldn't?), but as I have told Lops, I fell in love with his family as well. Tita Luz, his mom, is one of the sweetest persons I have ever met, and so is Tita Cora, his aunt. The way they've accepted me makes me feel like a million bucks.

In all of these, I have had a new "revelation", if you must, about us. As we continue in this relationship, I have come to realize that this is not just about two people living and walking in love. This is about families. Now, when I look at Lopao, I do not see him as him alone, but with his whole family behind him. I see him as a son, a brother, a cousin, a grandson, a friend - and that is enough to make me want to treat him in the best way I possibly can. I would never want to hurt a family as wonderful as theirs. And when I see him getting along with my own family and friends, when I witness how he begins to establish his own friendships with these people that have played very large roles in the molding of my life as it is right now, I can't help but whisper a prayer of thanks to God for making us one step closer to coming full circle.

*********************

I still haven't been able to go home to Pagsanjan. I am planning to do so this coming week. I have to. I can't bear to disappoint Nanay again. I have given my word that I will go there this vacation, and I am planning to make good on that promise. I really miss everyone there. Nanay, my titos and titas, my cousins, my babies (of course, babies ng mga pinsan ko yun.. hehe). I have this need to see them and to be with them. Basta, whatever it takes, I will go there this summer before internship starts.

*********************

For some reason, my life is beginning to have some semblance of "normalcy" again. I thank God because it looks like everything is falling into place. God has promised me that this is the year of my restoration - and I am holding on to that promise. I thank God for people who are always there no matter what, and for relationships that do not deteriorate with the passing of time, but instead grow stronger. But most of all, I thank God for His faithfulness, for His Word that is always true, for His promises that are always "Yes" and "Amen", and for His CALLING that is irrevocable and without repentance.

The real me is what the Bible says I am - THE RIGHTEOUSNESS OF GOD IN CHRIST JESUS. Nothing can change that.

*********************

I was able to catch Superman Returns on HBO on one of my lazier days last week. It was a fairly good movie, and Brandon Routh was the perfect casting choice for Superman. However, as I was watching it, one thought kept on recurring in my head over and over.

Superman is who he really is. Not Clark Kent. Superman.

Unlike many other superheroes, Superman is not just Clark Kent's alter ego. This super-strong flying man is the real person. He cannot do anything to change that, because he was born that way. When he becomes the weakling and nerdy Kent, he is not himself. He becomes a person hiding behind a facade.

That's when I realized - We have been born into the life of Jesus Christ. That means we have been born victorious. We have been born strong in the Lord. We have been born overcomers. When we choose not to walk in that victory, when we choose to let defeat permeate into our very beings, we are denying ourselves of the oportunity to be the real persons that we have been created to be. But no matter what we do, that real person can never be hidden for long.

The world will always see the VICTORS in us.

*********************

Two more weeks to internship. Exciting.

*********************

.an extra-long post-Valentine 2008 post.

2008-02-28T22:07:00.006+08:00

Every little girl, at any time during her childhood, dreams of becoming a princess.

Walt Disney has managed to romanticize this concept so well that, at some point, we've all had our moments of standing in front of a mirror, a tinfoil crown on our heads and a makeshift scepter in hand, and practicing our royal strut. We've envisioned living in a magical palace filled with talking furniture and roomfuls of our favorite things. We secretly talk to our fairy godmothers and thank them for the heavenly gowns they fashioned for us to wear. We look out through windows with a dreamy look on our faces and imagine what worlds lie beyond what the eyes can see. Yes. We've definitely gotten the royal act down pat.

But let us not forget our favorite (admit it) part.

Prince Charming.

No matter what age, girls' dreams always include that dashing young prince who strides in on his royal steed. He is handsome, confident, and brave - he single-handedly slays the ferocious dragons with just a swing of his sword (which glistens in the sunlight, by the way), battles an entire battalion of armed villains and emerges wounded but victorious, and most importantly, rescues the damsel in distress from the wicked, wicked stepmother. A single kiss is enough to destroy the most powerful curse bestowed on the princess by an evil sorcerer. It all ends the same though. The lovely princess and the chivalrous prince ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after.

We so long for this fairy tale to be true. But the fact that no one really actually sings their thoughts out loud in public should have already given us a hint that while these stories send us off to la-la-land with a smile on our young faces, they do not portray life as it really is.

Puberty strikes. Reality sets in. In pursuit of her childhood fantasies, princess latches on to the first princely guy she meets and discovers that her handsome prince has turned into a toad. She then gets disillusioned, breaks things up, and continues the pursuit to find her "real prince"... who may be just somewhere out there. In the process, princess ends up kissing a lot of frogs - and not one of them turns out to be a prince. They are just that - frogs. Croak.

Let me just say that I do not claim to be an expert on relationships. Far from it. As we go along, I am still learning much. And the more I learn, the more I discover that I still have even MORE to learn.

The truth is this: That while life is definitely no fairy tale, the promise of true love holds much more beauty and happiness than we can ever fathom.

Things have not changed. I still do not believe in shallow, fleeting relationships that seek only to satisfy one's own lust and wants. To enter into a relationship thinking only of what you can get from the other is a recipe for disaster. I do not believe in going out on dates after dates with different and random people just so you can find "the one." I cringe at casual flings that leave you wondering and confused about where you truly stand with the other person (though I may have been guilty of this in the past too). It is much better to be single and maximize your potentials that way, than be attached and find your security solely in that pseudo-relationship.

But I do believe in growing and maturing in love, in walking side by side and moving towards the same vision. I believe in making a lifetime commitment to make the decision to love that person that God has enriched your life with. In short, I believe in marriage - a sacred covenant between a strong man and a strong woman established before the very presence of God - and then continuing on in that covenant for years and years to come, through anything and everything. I've always been a big fan of couples who grow old together, with wrinkled faces and hair streaked with gray, eyes shining with the same love as they had on their wedding day. I feel more "kilig" at seeing an old couple slowly dancing to their song on their fiftieth anniversary than at a teenybopper movie of two kids rebelling against their parents as they dramatically "fight for their love".

Before you deduce anything else from this, I am not getting married. Yet. Who knows when that day will be? Just as I do not have to be dog to be able to understand how a dog functions, I do not have to be married yet just to know how it goes. My best friend Holy Spirit helps me out a lot. Think about it. The most profound and practical lessons on marriage in the Bible come from Paul - who was never married at all. But I do desire it, and I sincerely believe that we are moving towards that. ;) We are not in a rush, though.

One of the best life lessons I have learned is to BEGIN WITH THE END IN MIND. If you are currently involved in something (or someone) that is going nowhere fast, get out! Plans fail and people perish for lack of vision. If at the onset, you do not know where you want to end up, you are definitely merely setting yourself up for chaos and failure. This is one of the things I am still working out in my life.

Everyday, Lopao and I work out this relationship we have and revel in the joy that we derive from it as we go along. We think long-term while learning to enjoy each day as it comes. Equipped with the knowledge that we are both complete individuals in Christ, we encourage each other to go out, grow, and discover more about ourselves as we continually pursue God's purpose for each of our lives. We make plans together, and yet we also dream our own dreams without fear.

Ours is not a perfect relationship. I will not be arrogant enought to say that. Four months young, we still have a long way to go. There are still tons to discover about each other. Even now, differences are evident between us. You don't believe me? Let me elucidate. Lopao is an achiever and a leader, an outstanding young man who has a gazillion extra-curricular activites lined up most of the time. I, on the other hand, prefer to go straight home after school and enjoy the rest that entails. He is the class president; I am an obscure face in a sea of many who gets a kick out of observing how people behave. He eloquently speaks out whatever he thinks and feels; I need prodding and questioning to even get out one sentence of a personal nature. He thrives on serious conversations and intellectual exchanges; I start to crack jokes when I sense the beginning of what might transform into an uncomfortable talk. He reads Neil Gaiman; I read Nicholas Sparks. He can rattle off the pathophysiology of certain diseases, while I struggle to piece together the information that I gather. He likes movies such as "The Mummy", "Blood Diamond", or "The Godfather"; I sleep through them. He shines in the presence of authorities - consultants, administrators, presidents, you name it. I clam up in their midst. He wants to change the entire health system of the country; I want to touch lives on a more intimate basis, even if it means helping one person at a time.

Yet, we click. And I know why. Because in the things that truly matter, we are in agreement. Lops and I have been friends long before we got into this, and we have had no trouble adjusting to the change. We acknowledge God as the center of our relationship. We trust in His Word and find that it holds the answer to any situation that may arise. We give importance to our families and treat them with the love that they are due. We value trust, loyalty, and sincerity in the friendships that we establish. We see the significance of having fun together. We support each other and encourage each other to go further than where we are at present. We constantly affirm each other in what we do and also gently nudge each other when we may be doing something wrong. We look at the field of medicine and we see service to the people, though we may show it in different ways. We believe in the Philippines and the glorious future in store for the Filipinos. We look out for each other. We give to each other without asking for anything in return - and yet somehow, something always returns, because we both love to give.

This may be an overindulgence, but stay with me. This is the first time I have written about us and it feels so liberating. I am not trying to sensationalize things, or make things appear better than they actually are. Lopao is not perfect and neither am I. We both have moments that we are not particularly proud of - but we are both working towards perfection as we are both continually trained in the Word of God. With God on our side, who can be against us?

My life is not a fairy tale. I have never met Prince Charming and I probably never will. But who cares?

I've got my Homi.

I love you dear.

********************************************

Glory to God for all the good and perfect things that have happened, are happening, and will happen in the future.

********************************************
Ate Kat, this is my February 14 post.

.authority.

2008-02-26T19:45:00.002+08:00

I have made a decision to live my life as a good follower.

Right from the first moments of my involvement in the ministry, this principle has been one of the most influential and powerful revelations that have affected many of my decisions and my behavior.

I have come to learn that authority works much like a sandwich - there will always be someone over you just as much as there will always be someone under you. It takes maturity to be be able to recognize someone's God-given authority despite his/her educational background or social status. We must all come to a point where we begin to give due respect to the rightful Authority that put the person in his present position and not the person himself. Arrogance, which makes us see everyone else as lesser than we ourselves are, would show us an inadequate, incompetent, and unworthy leader to follow. But Truth would show us a man/woman designated by God Himself in that particular position, given a marvelous assignment and purpose to accomplish, and equipped with all that are necessary to see that task through to the end. Who, then, wouldn't want to follow such a leader?

Romans 13:1 tells us to respect all governing authorities, because all authorities that exist have ben assigned by God. The word ALL leaves no space for exceptions. Be they the highest of the high officials, or the authority even in our very own homes. RECOGNITION is important. This is a must WHEREVER we go.

Perhaps this is why I have never been comfortable in calling for GMA's resignation. Having this tendency to see political rallies and mobilizations as futile, I have never given them much thought and attention since I believe in the Word of God more than what the eyes can see. Instead of continuously opposing her as everyone else does, we Christians must see it differently - we have an obligation to lift her up in prayer, that she be surrounded by wise and godly counselors, and that she herself be filled with the wisdom that she so desperately needs to govern a country such as ours.

But wait. This is not a political entry. Far from it.

I thank God because I have learned this early on. Thanks to the way I was trained in my ministry involvement at church, obeying those in authority comes naturally to me. Yes, I do have my moments of ranting and complaining against the residents who are just a tad too bossy, but when push comes to shove (borrowing your favorite expression dear.. hehe), I have no problem getting things done when they ask me to. This also goes with anyone who may be holding a leadership position anywhere and anyhow - group projects, organizational involvements, even in my small committee participations. I have learned that being a good follower takes more maturity and skill than elbowing your way to a leadership role.

I keep this is mind: That wherever I go and whatever I do, I can always learn something new from someone else - whoever she might be.

And that whenever I help someone else fulfill his/her dream, I am sowing seeds for the fulfillment of my own dreams. With God on my side, HARVEST is inevitable.

In a few words, this is what I am trying to say.

Humility is key.

********************************

Ang dami ko pang gusto sabihin on this topic. Sa susunod na ulit kasi mauubos na un internet card ko. Hehe.

********************************

To everyone: I would like to recommend reading Lopao's blog (click on the link).. lalo na sa mga future MDs diyan. We all need to read things like that to give us a fresh and different perspective when it comes to our chosen field.

So proud of you Dear.

MK. :)

.carl.

2008-02-20T20:24:00.003+08:00

May anak na ako.

Carl ang pangalan niya at anim na buwan pa lamang siya. Nakilala ko siya sa Ward 9 Bed 1 ng PGH. May sakit siya sa puso. Tinamaan na rin siya ng pneumonia sa tagal ng inilagi niya sa ospital. Sobrang payat ng kanyang munting katawan kaya halos buto's balat na talaga siya.

Pero may mas masaklap pa siyang sinapit bukod sa mga iyan.

Iniwanan na siya ng nanay niya.

Ewan ko. Siguro daw, sabi ng lola, nagsawa na 'to na mag-alaga sa kanya. Bigla na lang daw itong umalis nung naka-admit na si Carl sa PICU (Pediatric ICU) at hindi na bumalik pa. Walang anumang pasabi. Basta na lang niya tinalikuran ang kanyang anak ng ganun-ganun na lang na parang walang pakialam.

Araw-araw kong binabalikan si Carl. Siyempre, dahil ako ang estudyanteng naka-assign sa kanya, trabaho ko talaga ang alamin kung ano na ang mga nangyayari sa kanya. Binabalikan ko siya kada oras upang makita kung ok pa ang mga vital signs niya. Kinukunan ko siya ng dugo para maipadala sa lab at malaman kung may impeksyon pa ba siya sa katawan. Binibigyan ko siya ng reseta para sa mga gamit na kailangan niya. Paminsan-minsan ay ako rin ng nagtuturok ng mga gamot na kailangan niya.

Pero habang ginagawa ko ang lahat ng iyon, naiisip ko, paano na kaya siya sa paglabas niya ng ospital? Sinong mag-aalaga sa kanya? Mukha namang matiyagang mag-alaga ang kanyang lola, tita, at ama na nagsasalit-salitan sa pagbabantay sa kanya. Ngunit paano nila mabibili ang mga gamot na kailangan niya upang mapanatili ang kalusugan niya? Saan sila kukuha ng pambili ng mga masusustansiyang pagkain para maging mas matibay si Carl laban sa mga sakit? Sino ang magtutustos sa pag-aaral niya?

Ipinaaampon siya sa akin ng tita niya.

Alam ko namang nagbibiro lang ito. Na sa tuwing sinasabi niyang, "O Carl, ayan na ang mama mo o!" ay may mga ngiti rin sa kanyang mga labi na nagpapahiwatig na pinagti-tripan niya lang ako.

Pero sa totoo lang, isa itong tempting na alok.

Hindi ko naman sinasabing kaya ko nang bumuhay ng isang bata bilang aking anak. Hindi pa talaga. Para lang kasing may kumukurot sa puso ko kapag nakikita ko ang mga batang ganun. Ang dami pa namang mga ganun sa PGH. Paano pa iyong mga nasa labas?

Ang bawat bata ay ipinapanganak na isang "clean slate". Kung ano ang magiging kinabukasan niya ay nakasalalay sa kung anong mga bagay ang isusulat sa slate na iyon ng mga taong mag-iimpluwensya sa kanya. Pero paano kung wala? Paano kung walang kahit sinong tao na gustong mag-aruga sa kanya? Paano kung walang gustong mag-alay ng konting oras at panahon para masigurong mabibigyan siya ng mga pangangailangan niya? Paano kung walang magkakaroon ng pagmamalasakit na turuan siya ng tama at mali? Ano ang kahihinatnan niya?

Hindi ko alam. Habang sinusulat ko ito, unti-unti ko rin namang naaalala ang mga nanay na lubus-lubusan ang pagmamahal sa kanilang mga anak.

Walang tao ang maaaring maging ulilang lubos. Dahil naniniwala ako na para sa bawat taong inilalang sa mundo, may inilaan ang Diyos na mga tao para gumabay sa kanya, tumulong, mag-aruga, at magmahal. Hindi pwedeng wala. Meron at meron ding lalabas diyan na magmimistulang anghel sa buhay nila at tutulungan silang harapin ang pagkakatawag ng Panginoon sa kanila.

May ilan nang mga tao na nakagawa noon.

Kaya ko rin bang gawin iyon?

*************************************

Sabi ko na nga ba e. I spoke too soon about Pedia.

*************************************

Ate Katski, this is still not my February 14 entry.

*************************************

Hi dear. MOA. MOA. MOA.

.declaration.

2008-02-11T19:05:00.000+08:00

It's been almost a week since I first rotated in Pediatrics as a clerk, and as far as I am concerned, I have totally ruled it out already as a specialty. Don't get me wrong. I love kids, and I enjoy them immensely. That is precisely the reason why I am ruling Pediatrics out. I do not want to get disillusioned about children.

Just a few more weeks to go and clerkship would finally be over. Now that I think about it, this school year has taken me for quite a ride. I have learned in the past months that you can never really know what to expect. Things don't always turn out the way you planned them. People don't always act the way you want them to act. Circumstances just happen. How you receive them, however, would always be entirely up to you.

Let me just be straight and honest. Clerkship, for me, has been anything but easy. It has mostly been a struggle. I know, I know, that is a word that many of us dare not use. We want people to believe that things are easy, things are going well, and that everything is just fine and dandy. And there is nothing wrong with that. In faith, we always call things that are not as though they were, and it is in speaking out what the Word of God says about us that change can ever truly begin.

I say that it has been a struggle, though, because it has definitely been. I would be the first to admit that. Mostly, this year, I have fought a vicious internal battle with myself that up to now, the victor remains yet to be proclaimed. Every single day, I have had to face my doubts and pour extra effort into casting them away with what I have always been taught from the Word. My own inadequacies collide head-on with the circumstances I constantly have to deal with that do not serve to build me up in a positive way. There were times when I would just crumble down and give in to the grief, to something that I refuse to put a name to, that would aggressively gnaw at the very core of my being - and then paste another silly grin on my face, crack jokes all the way, and make everyone believe that I am having the best time of my life.

In keeping up this masquerade, I have neglected that part of me that has always kept me alive. Without realizing it, I was sliding farther and farther away from what I really wanted in my heart. I was swimming and swimming and yet somehow, I was always going against the tide. Lost. Not knowing where to go, having no exact destination, and yet still getting tired in the process. I knew I was changing into something that I myself did not like in the past, and yet I was spiralling down so fast that I could only watch myself fall.

In one moment, everything came crashing down around me.

But that only means that I HAVE EVERYTHING TO REGAIN.

My God is a Restorer. Everything that has been stolen from me must be restored sevenfold.

I cannot allow myself to be moved by all these. I know that within me is the WORD. And the Word is God. God is in me. And I cannot allow myself to lose this battle. Not when I have been made victorious right from the very beginning. I fight this battle, knowing that I am a winner. My God made me a winner.

And no matter how I feel, I know that God's Word is true. When He said it, that settled it. I AM MORE THAN A CONQUEROR. I AM BLESSED. I AM THE RIGHTEOUSNESS OF GOD IN CHRIST JESUS. I HAVE A BRIGHT FUTURE AHEAD OF ME. I HAVE BEEN GIFTED BY GOD AND I USE THIS GIFTS TO BLESS OTHERS. I HAVE SOMETHING IN ME THAT ONLY I CAN GIVE TO THE WORLD. I AM NOT A MISTAKE, I AM NOT AN ACCIDENT. I FIND FAVOR BOTH WITH GOD AND MAN. I AM ANOINTED, AND I AM CALLED TO BRING HIS LIGHT TO THE NATIONS.

GOD HAS SOMETHING MARVELOUS PLANNED FOR ME, AND NOTHING, NOTHING, CAN EVER STOP GOD'S PLAN FROM COMING TO PASS. NOTHING AT ALL.

.more random thoughts.

2008-01-24T17:48:00.000+08:00

UPCM Class 2008 started their countdown to graduation two days ago.. in bold print, they proclaimed to the world.. "100 days to go!"

That means only one thing to us clerks.

98 days to go.. interns na kami.

Goolai.

*************************************

Our preceptor this morning in Vertigo Clinic was Dr. Natzie Yang. He was our sort-of mentor during our first two years in Intarmed (thanks to IPC).

Nakakatawa kasi when he saw me, he said, " The fact that you are here now means you're sticking it out. You were supposed to leave!" And then he laughed.

Mehn, that feels like a million years ago. And I admit I am a little touched that he actually remembered my "dilemma" during my earlier med years.

Ang tagal-tagal na pala nun.

**************************************

Tama na. Wala na akong ibang nasabi kundi tungkol sa med school dito sa blog ko. Medyo naririndi na rin ako. Ehehe.

**************************************

I am happy. For more reasons than one.

And I am determined to stay happy for a long, looooooong, time.

**************************************

I was browsing through the sale books section at National Bookstore this morning when I saw this book that I just had to buy.

It's called "Seduction of the Heart: How to Guard Your Heart from Evil".

Let's just say that the book's back cover drew me in. It was talking to me. I just had to buy it.

***************************************

My year 2008 begins with RESTORATION. And I am praising God with all that I am because I know that that is what HE is doing right here, right now.

And I am so looking forward to the next step.

***************************************

I know I am highly favored. I do not have to resort to mean tricks, dirty schemes, and other ugly things just to be accepted by society.

And anyway, I wouldn't want to hang out with people who would rub me the wrong way, anyway.

I have to guard my heart.

Remember that Len.

"God, You're taking over. All of me I'm letting go so You can come and have Your way in me."

***************************************

I know who I am in Christ.

And I am free to be all that I am and become all that I can become.

I AM FREE.

***************************************

MOA. =.)

.random thoughts.

2008-01-15T19:45:00.000+08:00

Pambihira. Wala pa pala ako entry for 2008? Akalain mo 'yun?? Hahaha!

It feels like I've taken quite a long hiatus from blogging... pero saglit pa lang din naman 'yun. Ewan ko ba, many times kapag may naiisip akong isulat, nawawala na kapag kaharap ko na ang blank space na ito.

Kagaya ngayon. Nag-login ako thinking may maisusulat ako pero wala na naman ako maisip ngayon. So pointless. Para lang akong salita nang salita na wala namang meaning ang mga pinagsasabi ko.

Naisip ko lang, minsan siguro, masyado nang self-centered 'tong blog ko. I keep talking about myself in my entries e.

Wala lang.

****************************************

Naisip ko lang. Hindi pala dapat pasyente ang number one sa buhay ng isang doktor.

Dahil minsan, sa sobrang dedikasyon ng isang doktor (o magiging doktor) sa kanyang mga pasyente, ay napapabayaan na niya ang mga taong tunay na pinakamalapit sa puso niya.

Hindi ko sinasabing maging isang pabayang doktor. Mali din 'yun. Dapat ay mayroon pa ring pagpapahalaga at pagmamahal na rin na ibinibigay sa lahat ng mga taong lumalapit sa iyo na naniniwalang may maitutulong ka sa kanila. Sila din naman ay may karapatang tumanggap ng pinakamagandang serbisyo mula sa 'yo.

Ang sinasabi ko lang, hindi dapat sila maging dahilan upang kalimutan o pabayaan mo na ang iyong pagmamahal sa mga taong mahalaga sa buhay mo.

Kagaya ng pamilya mo. Hindi maaaring maging palusot na pagod ka lagi sa trabaho upang hindi ka na magkaroon ng panahon para sa kanila. Dahil pamilya mo pa rin sila, at sila ang mga taong kahit anong mangyari ay hinding-hindi ka iiwanan. Hindi katanggap-tanggap na ambait-bait mo kapag humaharap ka sa pasyente tapos pag-uwi ng bahay ay magsusungit ka sa lahat ng tao kasi kulang ka sa tulog. Kung tutuusin, dapat nga ay sila ang nakakakita sa 'yo sa iyong mga pinakamasayang panahon. Pamilya mo sila e. Hindi maitatatwang sila pa rin ang mga pinakamahalagang tao sa buhay mo.

O di kaya nama'y ang mga pinakamatatalik mong mga kaibigan. Maaari ngang hindi ka na makakasama palagi sa kanila kapag may lakad, o hindi na kasing-regular ng dati ang inyong pagkikita-kita, ngunit hindi ibig sabihin noon na hindi ka na nila maaasahan kung kailangan ka nila. Kahit mga simpleng bagay na magpapakitang mahalaga sila sa 'yo, ok na yun. At iyong lagi mong ipaparamdam sa kanila na kahit anong mangyari ay nariyan ka pa rin para sa kanila.

Tunay ngang mahalaga ang mga pasyente at nararapat lamang na tulungan mo sila sa abot ng iyong makakaya. Pero walang duda na ang kauna-unahang mga taong dapat nakakita sa 'yo AT YOUR BEST ay walang iba kundi ang ating Panginoong Diyos at ang lahat ng taong inilagay Niya sa buhay mo upang maging mga kapamilya at kaibigan mo.

***********************************

To all my family and friends... I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH. And though I'm missing you a lot because it feels like so many things have changed, I know our relationship stands strong and true.

Beyond words, beyond emotions, beyond measure.

I love you.

.in retrospect.

2007-12-21T18:25:00.000+08:00

Yesss! Christmas na. Or Christmas vacation, at least. Finally, almost 2 weeks akong PGH-free! Wahooooo!

********************

I am vaguely aware na hindi ko pa tapos un previous entry ko... but oh well. Inaayos ko pa sa isip ko 'yung kadugsong.

********************

Inspired by last week's faith group fellowship, I want to write down what 2007 meant to me:
2007 - Expanding My Territory

CAREER-WISE:
1. I realized that I wanted to serve the Filipinos IN THE PHILIPPINES.
2. I got to go to Palawan and see how the health care system works from a different perspective. I met different people with different opinions and different methods, but somehow with the same heart for the country.
3. I got to know Dr. Portia Marcelo up close. And talk to her one-on-one pa at that! Heehee. Plus I also met and interacted with more community-oriented physicians to look up to. Like Dr. Anthony Cordero, Dr. Jimmy Galvez-Tan, Dr. Delen Dela Paz (my mentor, I've known her for quite a while now), Dr. Bebol Paterno, and more. (Thanks GHC!)
4. I began my clerkship in PGH and started to, one by one, rule in and rule out various specializations. That is, kung mag-specialize nga ako!
5. I learned how to deal with patients.
6. I learned how to deal with bantays.
7. I learned how to deal with residents.
8. I learned how to deal with my colleagues (interns and clerks).
9. I learned how to deal with nurses, paramedics, and other people that make PGH work. That includes the guards, the manongs, the ates, and everyone else I encounter as I spend most of my waking hours there.
10. I've finally come to terms with the fact na MAGIGING DOKTOR NGA TALAGA AKO!!! ;)

RELATIONSHIP-WISE:
1. I realized that I miss my family when I don't get to see them everyday. I learned to value the times we have together, and so these times have become so much more meaningful to me. I also realized that they miss me too. And that goes even for my extended family in Pagsanjan (who never fail to keep in touch).
2. I began to appreciate all the little things my parents and my sister do for me.
3. I re-established my solid friendships with some of the closest people to my heart.
4. I allowed friendships to grow. I allowed them into my heart. I learned that when it comes to people, I should EXPECT NOTHING AND APPRECIATE EVERYTHING.
5. I gained a deeper understanding of how and what it is to put others before myself.
6. I realized that I am capable of giving up something I want to do for myself for the sake another person's happiness.
7. I learned that relationships will work only if you work on it together. No matter what kind of relationship it is.
8. I learned that it is possible to disagree on something and yet still manage to be really good friends.
9. COVENANT FRIENDSHIP. No matter what.
10. Lopao. My homi. 'Nuff said. =.)

PERSONAL LIFE-WISE:
1. I rediscovered how good my life can really be if God is at the center. And how horrible it will be otherwise. With Him, I have everything I could ever want and more.
2. I realized that I can never do anything in my own strength. I would have probably given up a long time ago were it not for the grace of God that gives me strength, wisdom, and the ability to go on.
3. HIS STRENGTH IS PERFECT.
4. I learned that growing in the Word takes work on my part. A pleasurable and fruitful work, but work nonetheless. And that I cannot afford to be lax and careless. I cannot live on yesterday's manna.
5. I learned that my ministry extends beyond the four walls of my church. Even without a microphone, my life can still sing out God's melody in such a way that the people who hear will come to know Jesus Christ.
6. But I still will always come back to singing and music no matter what I do and where I go.
7. I discovered one thing I am good at: speaking in front of many people. And one thing I am not so good at: speaking out on a more personal, intimate level (I write better than I speak at times). But I am working on it!
8. I am blessed to be a blessing. Literally. I have more than enough. I LIVE TO GIVE.
9. I am beginning to realize that no matter how bad circumstances may look like now, or how lost I may be feeling at present, GOD STILL HAS A MARVELOUS PLAN FOR ME. And that is something I can look forward to. So I live one day at a time in the present, while that hope of a wonderful future keeps my heart strong, steady and trusting in the Lord.
10. I CAN DREAM BIG.

***************************

Ayan, sa next entry na lng pala yung for 2008, pag-iisipan ko pa ng husto e. Tsaka ang haba na nito masyado.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

.half-done.

2007-12-04T07:32:00.000+08:00

I have always known that I was never meant for mediocrity. I knew that I was meant to excel, to stand out and shine as light in a world that is filled with darkness. Even as a little kid, I knew that I would soon soar to great heights and change the world. "Making a difference" sounded like a simple enough task and an easily attainable dream.

When I was younger, dreaming was easy. I would just close my eyes and see myself doing all sorts of things that only the uninhibited and free mind of an innocent child can conjure up. I knew no limits, no boundaries, and I believed that I could go wherever I want to go and be whoever I want to be. I had no other direction to go but towards victory, higher up the stepladder of success.

But somewhere along the way, I got disillusioned. My head-on collision with failure after failure caused my dreams to shatter around me. I lost the courage to dream. I lost the faith to believe that I could actually amount to something. I allowed my circumstances to poison my mind and soon my vision of a good future began to shrivel up little by little.

It was a lot like dying, really. It was the worst to look in the mirror and see dejection in the eyes looking back at me. Outside, I haven't changed a bit, but I knew that a spark inside me had died.

But something keeps me going.

"Thank God, no matter what is happening around us, the Word of God remains the same. It is the unchangeable force that upholds us in every time of trouble. It is the solid rock, the foundation that, if we build our lives upon it, will bring us safely through every storm (Matthew 7:24-25).

The Word of God is far more real, far more permanent than anything in this natural world. It is, in fact, the very power by which this world and everything in it exists. The Bible tells us that Jesus upholds all things—that's right all things!—"by the word of his power" (Hebrews 1:3). "

Okay, I really have to go now, but I'm not done with this piece yet. I am going somewhere with this.

Literally. And figuratively.

.what IM does to a med student.

2007-11-29T15:10:00.000+08:00

KAPAG NAMATAYAN NG PASYENTE:

"Oh no, mag-eendorse ako nito bukas!"
"Buti na lang shift out na ako bukas, di na ko mag-eendorse niyan."
"Hala, nakakahiya na tuloy singilin 'yung utang niyan sa 'kin na labs."
"Sayang, wala pa ngang binabalik sa 'kin ni isang syringe yan eh!"
"Yehey, 1/1 na ulit ako!"
"Ah ok."

KAPAG MALAPIT NANG MAMATAY ANG PASYENTE:

"Okay lang kahit mag-code na 'yan, DNR naman na 'yan e." (do not resuscitate)
"Sana 'wag muna siya mamatay kasi may endorsements bukas e."
"Sana mag-HAA na lang sila, wala na din naman magagawa e." (home against advice)

HABANG NAGRE-RESUSCITATE NG CODED PATIENT:

"Napanood mo na 'yung 'One More Chance'?"
"Hahaha!" (nakikipagtawanan)
"Hindi pa ba nagsa-sign ng DNR 'yun relatives? Ipa-sign mo na!"

KAPAG ADMITTING ANG SERVICE:

"Sana 'wag muna magpasok ng pasyente ngayon."
"Sana pauwiin na lang 'yun mga nasa ER."
"Sana kung magpapasok ng pasyente mamayang 5pm na lang."
"Ano ba yan, ang toxic naman niyang pasyenteng yan, bakit pa kasi inadmit e mag-cocode lang din naman yan?!"
"Hala, endorsable 'tong patient na to! Ayaw ko 'to!"

*Hehe. Bka medyo exaggerated 'yun iba dito. Dagdagan ko na lang kapag may naalala pa ko. Haha. Ako man ay guilty din of saying these things sometimes.

.72 hours.

2007-11-25T14:08:00.000+08:00

Sabi ng blockmate ko kanina, 72 hours na lang daw, tapos na ang IM! Yahoooo!

Two days to go and then I'm out of Internal Medicine na.. well, at least until internship. But until then... yey yey yey!

Sa loob ng halos dalawang buwan na inilagi ko dun, may natutunan ba ako? Hmm.. hopefully, madami. At dahil I HAVE THE MIND OF CHRIST, mare-retain ko ang lahat ng natutunan ko at dadalhin ko hanggang sa maging isang ganap na doktor na ako.

Grabe, malapit na pala 'yun. Halfway through clerkship na ko e, then internship, then... ta-dann!

The world will say hello to Maria Ellen Rivera Licup, MD.

Am I ready for it?

Ayoko na munang magsulat dito ng kung anu-anong may kinalaman sa future ko as a physician dahil baka marami nang mga tao ang naririndi at nagsasawa sa mga reklamo at pag-aalinlangan ko. Nyahaha. ;)

Gusto ko lang sabihin na namimiss ko na 'yung lifestyle ko bago nag-umpisa ang stage na ito ng buhay ko.

Namimiss ko na ang makasama ang pamilya ko araw-araw. Na kahit na nagkakapikunan at nagkakainisan paminsan-minsan, laging may comfort dahil alam kong nandiyan lang naman sila at sa pagdating ng gabi ay magkakasama kaming natutulog sa ilalim ng iisang bubong. Namimiss ko ang mga weekends na gigising ako ng medyo tanghali na at pagpunta sa kusina ay sandamakmak na pagkain ang naghihintay dahil maaga na namang namalengke si Papa at sinuguro niyang binili niya ang mga paborito ko. Namimiss kong guluhin at kulitin si Mama habang nag-eexercise siya sa sala. Namimiss kong makatabi si Ate sa gabi at makakuwentuhan bago matulog. Namimiss ko na ang bahay namin at ang kuwarto kong kahit magulo, ay isang haven para sa lahat ng mga "artistic frustrations" ko.

Namimiss ko na ang umuwi sa Pagsanjan tuwing may okasyon. Namimiss ko na ang mga batang tumatakbo para salubungin kami tuwing naririnig nilang parating na ang sasakyan namin. Namimiss ko ang mga batang sumisigaw ng "Ninang Len!" at nag-aagawan sa atensyon ko para makipaglaro sa kanila. Namimiss ko na si Nanay na laging nagtatanong sa akin kung ok lang ako at laging may mga nangingilid na luha sa mga mata tuwing pabalik na kami ng Las Pinas. Namimiss ko na ang lumabas para bumili ng puto bumbong o kaya ng pizza sa bayan kasama ang mga pinsan at mga tita ko. Namimiss ko na dun.

Namimiss ko na ang Faith Center at ang lahat ng mga tao dun na napamahal na sa akin na parang mga kapamilya ko na rin. Namimiss ko na ang faith group ko at ang malalakas na halakhakan sa tuwing magkakasama kami. Nakakamiss na rin ang minsanang iyakan at ang mas minsanan kong pag-iyak din kasabay nila. Halos wala na nga akong alam sa mga nangyayari sa kanila at iyon ang isa sa mga pinaka-kinalulungkot ko. Namimiss ko nang umupo sa 3rd row at makinig kay Ptr. Jun habang nagtuturo siya. Namimiss ko na din ang mga mommies dun na kung tratuhin at alagaan ako ay para na rin nila akong anak. Namimiss ko na ang halos tumira na sa church dahil iyon na ata ang pangalawang bahay ko. Namimiss ko na rin tumambay sa bahay nina Ate Neng at makikain sa kanila at makiinom ng mga masarap nilang mga juice. Namimiss ko nang lumabas kasama ang mga kaibigan ko sa church at pag-usapan ang mga bagay na may kabuluhan talaga.

Namimiss ko na rin ang mga kaibigan ko nung high school na dati'y kahit kailan sila magtawag ng "mini-reunion" ay nakakapunta ako. Namimiss ko na ang tawanan at kwentuhan at ang pagbulabog namin sa Starbucks. Namimiss ko na ang mga balitaktakan at tsismisan tungkol sa buhay ng isa't isa. Namimiss ko nang balikan ang high school kasama sila at sabay-sabay na tumawa sa mga kababawan namin noon. Namimiss ko na silang makasama.

Namimiss ko na talaga ang dati.

Pero kahit na ganoon, masaya pa rin ako dahil alam ko naman na hindi permanente itong ginagawa ko ngayon. Alam kong darating ulit ang panahon na makakasama ko ulit ang mga taong gusto kong makasama na parang walang mga panahong nagkawalay kami.

Sa ngayon, kailangan kong pagbutihan dito sa mga ginagawa ko. At sila din ang mga taong nagsisilbing inspirasyon ko.

Salamat sa Panginoon na hindi ako pinababayaan sa lahat ng ginagawa ko at patuloy akong binibigyan ng lakas upang malampasan ko ang lahat ng ito. Tanging GRACE lang ng Panginoon ang dahilan kung bakit nakakayanan ko ang mga puyatan, ang trabaho, ang mga demanding na pasyente, ang halos pagtira na sa PGH at lahat na ng kaakibat nito.

At kahit na napakarami nang mga bagay ang nagbago, masaya pa rin ako. Dahil alam kong maganda ang pinatutunguhan ko. At ang lahat ng mga pinagdadaanan ko ay naghuhulma sa akin upang ako ay maging iyong taong iyon na sadyang nilikha ako ng Panginoon na maging.

At ang mga taong mahal na mahal ko at nagmamahal sa akin ay naririto pa rin sa tabi ko (literal man o hindi) at alam kong ang mga matitibay naming samahan ay kahit kailan hindi masisira ng pagkakahiwalay sa loob ng konting panahon.

I thank God for all the wonderful people in my life.

And I thank God for you dear. ;)

I wouldn't trade my life for anything.

.this made me cry.

2007-11-04T19:23:00.000+08:00

I just recently read my favorite Ate's blog (hehe)... and it made me cry. But more than that, it gave me the encouragement that I really needed at this point in my life.

Ate, you definitely know the words to brighten up, not just my day, but my entire life.

I love you so much, and I miss you. A lot. More than anyone else. I wish I could show you just how much these words mean to me Ate. I may never be able to tell you in person, pero Te, ikaw ang pinakahinahanap-hanap ko palagi, at ang unang-una kong naiisip na pagkuwentuhan tuwing may nangyayari sa buhay ko. Ikaw ang naiisip ko kapag masaya ako, kapag nadidisappoint or frustrated ako, kapag naiiyak ako... tapos mari-realize ko na hindi pala kita kasama. Wala lang. Miss na miss na miss na miss na kita Te. Sana sa bakasyon mag out-of-town naman tayo. Break natin both.

Oh, and by the way Te, I just turned 22. Ano ba yan, di mo alam age ng paborito mong kapatid??? Hehe.

Anyway, here goes my sob-fest 2007.

**********************************************************

ellen, my favorite sister (hehe, she's my only sister!) is doing her clerkship now for medicine in pgh..and she's only turning 21! wow right?! well, im not at all surprised because ever since we were young, she is really smart. she aces her exams in school with little amount of effort, while i need to stay up late at night just to maintain my grades. i have always wondered how she was able to do that, when i didnt even see her studying at home..really!

when i learned that she got got accepted in the intarmed program in UP, i admired her the more..because then i knew that she is going to show the world more of what she can do. although she had second thoughts about her course for a very loooong time (hehe len, peace!), it never crossed my mind that she wont make it. deep in my heart, i know that she has all that it takes to be a great doctor.

we both knew that studying medicine is very tedious and i know that she will be very busy with school work, rotations and all. but i didnt realize that she going to be this busy. now that she's doing her clerkship, she rarely goes home anymore (she is staying in an apartment near UP) and we hardly talk now. although we get to text every now and then, it still isnt the same. im not complaining because i know that this is what she is called to do..but of course, i cant help but miss her, after all, she is my only sister..dont get me wrong, i am sincerely happy for her because amidst the hardships of med school, she remains to be steadfast in her calling and in her faith.. its just that, i miss how things were before - the kwentos at night before sleeping, shopping for clothes that we will both wear, tambay sa starbucks, "friends" and moulin rouge marathon, tawanan to the max, kulitan about crushes and other stuff and the vacations we spend in pagsanjan.

i look back fondly on those memories and i realized how much we've grown now..i look at my sister and i see a doctor, someone who will give comfort, show compassion and give hope to her patients..a doctor who will make her patients feel God's love for them..and although i miss how things used to be, i am more eager to see what she will become in the future. she is already victorious because she is doing everything not by her own strength, but by Jesus who lives in her..that's my sister, the doctor....and i want to let you know that i am very proud of her. =)

.light.

2007-11-01T15:00:00.000+08:00

I want to write, but for some reason, I find myself at a loss for words. I have not written anything halfway decent for the longest time that I can actually feel myself getting rusty. Words are getting mushed up in my head so quickly that I barely have the time to get them down on paper, much less type away on my computer keyboard.

And yet so much remains unspoken that I feel like my heart will burst if I fail to write them down a minute longer.

*********************

Where am I? I have been placed on a path that turns neither to the right nor to the left. A narrow path where few brave souls dare to venture. No detours. No other way to go but straight on ahead. And yet what lies in front of me appears so glorious, so blindingly glorious, that one just can't help but gaze at it in awe. So bright was this light, so inviting, beckoning me to draw closer. Keeping my eyes on that light should be enough to give me the strength to carry on. But I didn't. Instead, I pulled my eyes away and - blinking as the light slowly faded and the rest of the world became clearer and clearer - turned to look at what lay around me.

Darkness.

Death lurks at every corner, seeking whom it may devour. Ready to latch on to any one who may have chosen to embrace it, unbeknownst to him or not. Seeping into lives and hearts, unknowingly, like a spy in the night, and stealing the joy from innocent bystanders who would, sooner or later, just helplessly succumb to this dark force.

My heart is crying out, inferiority creeping in as I find myself unable to do anything. Everywhere around me was chaos. Desperation. I wanted to reach out and crush death's power and trample it to the ground. With what power I did not know, but I wanted to pull them all out from this dark ocean of despair and misery. I looked around, confused, not knowing what to do or where to go. Deep within me, a voice is shouting out and trying to show me the way. The Light. Look upon the Light. Unconsciously, I pushed it down farther and farther into the depths of my soul, that soon, I could only appreciate a whisper. I knew I had to listen, but I couldn't. Or wouldn't. I blatantly refused. To listen would mean I would have to move.

Hesistantly at first, I then shut my eyes and tried to tune out the noise around me. With my mind, I formed a shield around me. I wanted to protect myself, to preserve myself. I didn't want to feel, to hear, to listen. Soon, it became easier to look the other way. I crawled into myself and refused to come out. If I would just look into myself, then I wouldn't have to care. After some time enveloped in myself, I ventured a peek and saw other people like me. Coiled away, not caring, not minding. Going about their everyday lives, numb and callous to the other people around them crying out even for just one chance to fight death's grip. Hearts hard as stone. Eyes looking straight ahead, seeing but not comprehending. Trying to convince themselves that this is how it should be, but somehow knowing that it's not. I kept watching them, observing them, drawing closer to them.

And then, with a start, I realize, I have become just like them.

Then, I was falling. Down, down, and down... into depths of how great I could not imagine.

I was staring death in the face, but it was a different kind of death.

This one steals not strength of bone and sinews, but of the heart and the spirit. It takes away the love and the joy and the peace that truly make people alive. It whispers words of deception and depression. It has wrapped its cold clammy hands around my heart and is now squeezing the life out of me. I was dying, dying...

I don't want to die. No, no, no. I have to do something. I have to fight this.

There it is again. That voice. That still small voice calling out to me. What was that? Did the Voice actually speak my name? Calling out to me?

A light! Slowly, I opened my eyes. Was that the same light I saw before? Yes, yes it is! Amazingly, the light has not changed at all. The light, still so glorious, so marvelously glorious, lay in front of me as if it never left. With great effort, I began to focus on that light. Little by little, I could feel death's grasp loosening as I began to rise up. Up, up, up. Up to where I was before. To the path I was walking on.

There they go again. The people. The cries for help. I was tempted to look away from the light, but I didn't. No, not this time. I would keep my eyes on the light. Soon, I was bathed in its warm glow. It was glowing, glowing, moving through me, and in me. It seeped through me and into my very core. The light embraced me and covered me.

Then, I was shining.

Shining through the darkness. Shining on the people. Shining death away.

Easily. Smoothly. Flawlessly.

Because the Light was in me.

*****************************

.questionnaire again.

2007-10-26T23:12:00.000+08:00

Thanks Day.

**********

1. I've come to realize that my cell phone is:
= my point of contact with the people I love that I don't get to see much anymore. And my escape mechanism.. for saying the things I can't say in person. ;)

2. I've come to realize that I talk :
= too much about the things that don't matter and too little about the things that do.

3. I've come to realize that I love :
= my life. ;) Yes, I do. YES, I DO!

4 . I've come to realize that I have:
= what it takes. I am an overcomer in Christ.

5 . I've come to realize that I lost :
= sight of who I am and who I can be... and now, by the grace of God, the light is shining on my life once again.

6 . I've come to realize that I hate it when :
= I get jealous. I refuse to show it though most of the time.

7 . I've come to realize that marriage is:
= a synergistic partnership and a sacred covenant between a strong man and a strong woman with God at the center. And it's what I want to be part of someday. ;)

8 . I've come to realize that somewhere, someone is thinking:
= "...of me, and loving me tonight... somewhere, out there... someone's saying a prayer...." hehe.

9. I've come to realize that I'll always be:
= a kid at heart.

10 . I've come to realize that I have a crush on :
= Ewan McGregor. Long-time crush na ito. Hehe.

11. I've come to realize that the last time I truly cried was:
= my birthday. awwww.

12. I've come to realize that my special friend is:
= Ate Neng.

13 . I've come to realize that when I wake up in the morning:
= I can thank God and choose to enjoy this season of my life. That it's an active choice I HAVE to make each day.

14 . I've come to realize that before I go to sleep at night:
= I mentally review my day and try to see if I did something worthwhile.

16 . I've come to realize that babies are :
= little angels. i love them.

17. I've come to realize that, I get online:
= less and less these days.

18 . I've come to realize that today :
= is the best day of my life. And I can choose to say that everyday. Praise God.

19 . I've come to realize that tonight I will :
= sleep soundly in my sister's room once again.

20. I've come to realize that I will :
= become what God has called me to be, no matter what circumstances look like right now. His gifts and calling are irrevocable. And that no matter how many detours I seem to be taking right now, I have no doubt that I WILL GET THERE. Eventually. Because if God said it, THAT SETTLES IT.

21. I've come to realize that, I really want :
= to become the woman that God has specifically created me to be.

.birthday post.

2007-10-17T19:22:00.000+08:00

I turned 22 today.

*******************************************

Come to Me you weary one... And I will give you rest.
For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light.
Take Me upon you, I will give you rest.

Come to Me you broken one... And I will give you peace.
I will calm your waters and I will whisper "Peace, be still.."
Take Me upon you, I will give you peace.

Come to Me...
I have been waiting for you here.

Come to Me you burdened one... And I will give you joy.
You will rise like eagles, and My joy will be your strength.
Take Me upon you, I will give you joy.

Come to Me...
I have been waiting for you here.

COME TO ME
~Kari Jobe~

I am weary, Lord.

Your joy is my strength. Your grace is enough.

I am an overcomer... With Him I can do all things.

All is well.

*******************************************

Ngunit, subalit, datapwat... sa kalagitnaan ng lahat ng ito, isa lang ang masasabi ko. Masaya pa din ako.

*******************************************

.wala lang ulit.

2007-10-02T20:49:00.000+08:00

Wala na naman akong magawa. Last day ko in Anesth kanina e.

Tapos IM na ako bukas.

Huwaaaaw!

Wala lang. Eto na naman.

*************************************************

1. If you could build a house anywhere, where would it be?

=> I'd build it somewhere with a relaxing ang calming view of the ocean... but not too near the ocean, though. i'm not too comfortable at the thought of being too close to the water... tipong Tagaytay Highlands siguro.

2. Favorite physical feature of the opposite sex?

=> Cliche' man pero i'd have to say eyes. at 'yung kabuuan na. 'yun tipong mukhang malinis at mabango.

3. What's the last CD that you bought?

=> Blank CD... hahaha. Corny. weeeellll.. i didn't buy my copy of Hari ng Kaluwalhatian e (thanks ate neng ang kuya lowe! hehe), so I'd have to say Hillsong's Mighty to Save.

4. Where's your favorite place to be?

=> Home.

5. Where's your least favorite place to be?

=> PGH-ER. Ahihi.

6. What's your favorite place to be massaged?

=> As in lugar? Wala eh. Kung sa body part, sa likod.

7. Strong in mind or strong in body?

=> Strong in mind definitely. I'd much rather do anything that stimulates the mind than exercise anyday. Hehe.

8. What time do you wake in the morning?

=> Depends on my rotation. Anesth had me waking up at 4:45 am e. Ngayong IM, balik 5:45am na ko.

9. What's your favorite kitchen appliance?

=> The microwave! Makes life so much easier for people like me who can't cook.

10. What makes you really angry?

=> You know what? I really don't know the answer to this question.. hmm. Love is not easily angered e. ;)

11. If you could play any instrument, what would it be?

=> Weeeellll, I can sort of play the guitar.. but if I could play anything, I'd say.. the piano. One of my biggest frustrations in life is that my mom never enrolled me for piano lessons when I was little because she took my sister's lack of interest in it as a sign that I wouldn't want it either.

12. Favorite color?

=> For now, I think it's red.

13. Which do you prefer, sports car or SUV?

=>If I get to buy a vehicle, I'd buy an SUV. I want a Honda CRV nga e!

14. Do you believe in afterlife?

=> Yup.. that if you believe in your heart and confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, you shall be saved.

15. Favorite children's book?

=> A Little Princess. (Children's book ba 'yun? O classic? Basta 'yun. Pambata din naman un e.)

16. What is your favorite season?

=> Christman season.. nyahaha. Does that count? Basta gusto ko malamig!

17. What's your least favorite household chore?

=> Trash duty.

18. If you could have one super power, what would it be?

=> 'Yun power ni Jean Grey. On second thought.. healing power... so I wouldn't have to go to med school na. nyaknyaknyak. kidding. I have that naman na using the authority of the name of Jesus e. ;)

19. If you have a tattoo, what is it?

=> I don't like tattoos. But I'd get a Henna if someone dares me. Hahaha! ;)

20. Can you juggle?

=> Nope.

21. The one person from your past you wish you could go back and talk to?

=> My second year high school adviser, Mommy Cherry.

22. What's your favorite day?

=> It used to be Sunday, because that's the day I feel most alive... but now, it makes no difference what day it is. I still have to report at PGH. Weekday man o weekend. Ehehe.

23. What's in the trunk of your car?

=> Thank you Lord for my own car! One that Papa will let me drive, that is.

24. Which do you prefer, sushi or hamburger?

=> Burger... without a doubt. Don't like raw fish e. Kahit anong pilit ko. Ehehe.

**************************************************

I am blessed. I am anointed. I have the mind of Christ.

Internal Medicine? Bring it on!

from odyssa's blog

2007-09-28T18:06:00.000+08:00

I got this from my best friend Odyssa's blog, at dahil inaaliw ko ang sarili ko ngayon, gusto kong patulan at sagutan. Hehehe.

Thanks Day! And I miss you super duper!

********

**NAME 7 THINGS THAT MUST ALWAYS BE IN YOUR BAG**

1. my cellphone
2. wallet with money, ID at kung anu-ano pa
3. payong (paranoid ako.. feeling ko uulan lagi. hehe)
4. keys to my apartment
5. alcohol (panghugas ng kamay kapag walang tubig)
6. Basic "kikay" necessities (comb, face powder, lip balm)
7. ballpen

**Name 3 things you do when you're really stressed:**

1. pray and then remain quiet
2. play my guitar
3. take a bath and cry

Name 5 favorite fruits:

1. grapes
2. ponkan
3. strawberry
4. apple
5. melon

Name 3 things you are wearing right now:

1. mama's lab pants (pajama ko.. hehe)
2. old white shirt
3. rubber slippers

What are you thinking about right now?
- the meaning of life. ;)

Where is your phone?
- here on my table, right next to me

Where do you sleep?
- tonight i'm sleeping in my Ate's room... but most of the time i sleep in our apartment in Manila

Where did you get the shirt you're wearing?
- Ate bought it for me in Palawan years ago

What was the last thing you ate?
- Oreo cheesecake from starbucks.

What kind of cell phone do you have?
- SE W850i.

What is the closest item near you that is white?
-my cellphone.

What is the last movie you watched?
- A Series of Unfortunate Events on HBO.

When did you last feel a tree with your bare hands?
- Not sure na e.

:::::THE STRANGE ELEVEN::::

Eleven odd facts about yourself:

1. Are you photo addict? - Maybe a little. Pero hindi super.

2. What were you doing this morning at 8am? - Not listening to the lecturer at the Anesth conference.

3. Do you care for your friendster? - Definitely.

4. How many different beverages have you drank since yesterday? - Dami na. C2, Nestea, Iced tea ng KFC, Sprite, pineapple juice, water, Java Chip

5. What are three things you wish to change about yourself? - 1) I want to believe in myself more.
2) I want to be more compassionate and selfless. 3) I want to be able to express myself better and open up more easily to the people closest to me.

6. What do you wish for? - world peace. seriously. and equity and justice.

7. When was the last time you got really hurt? - i don't want to say. ;)

8. Any plans for tonight? - SLEEPING!!!

9. Something you are excited about? - my birthday!!! hehe.

10. What is your favorite flavor of ice cream? - double dutch/coffee crumble

11. Describe your keychain? - Ate Honey's pasalubong from New York.. the one that has my name on it. Super sad ako kasi nasira un isa nung nabagsak siya, un may "Jesus is Lord" na galing dun kina Kenneth Copeland na bigay nina Ate Neng at Kuya Lowe.

1. Do you know anyone in prison? - Yes.

2. If so, who?- Michael Scofield. (Nyahaha. Yeah right. I don't watch Prisonbreak e.)

4. Party girl/boy or Home girl/boy?- Homegirl.

5. Have you ever gotten naked at a party?!- Absolutely not.

6. Name someone you miss. - Nanay Gloria at ang buong pamilya namin sa Pagsanjan.

7. Are you named after a grandparent?- No. At least, I don't think so. I had a Lola Maria, though.

8. Who loves you? - =.)

9. Have you ever broken a rib? - nope

10. Would you rather be a girl or a guy? - when i was a little kid i wanted to be a guy.. but now, happy ako na girl ako! ;)

1. Who is the most spoiled person you know?- Ako din Day, myself. Hehe.

12. Would you rather have a million dollars or true love? - Pwede bang 'yun true love ko may million dollars? Hehe.

13. Would you rather date someone 2 years younger or older?- I'd say... older.

14.. What's your favorite junk food?- CHOCOLATE!

15. Do you have a porn collection?- No.

16. Is your birthday on a holiday?- No. So separate gifts dapat! Hahaha!

17. Are you old enough to vote?- Yup.

18. Do you have any friends or family in the war right now?- Wala naman war e.

19. Are you a vegetarian?- Haha, definitely not.

20. Do you worry about global warming?- Day, I saw that documentary too. Astig no? I care about the environment.. increased awareness ever since the GHC last summer.

21. Do you like Polar bears?- I'll answer that when I see a real one.

22. What song do you want played at your funeral?- Mga kanta ng Faithmusic Manila.. gusto ko masaya pa din ang mga tao. ;)

*********************

Wala lang.

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY Mama dearest! :) I love you so much.

.home. (post-DEMS post)

2007-09-22T10:51:00.000+08:00

It's so nice to be blogging from my own room once again.

My Anesthesiology rotation afforded me a much-needed and welcomed two-day reprieve from the halls of the Philippine General Hospital.

Haha. Kung anu-ano pang sinasabi. Basta ang point, masaya ako at nakauwi rin ako. Finally. Aba, medyo matagal din ata ang 6 weeks para hindi umuwi no? E homebody pa naman ako. Hehe.

Anyway. DEMS. It was the rotation I was truly dreading because I am not exactly the world's biggest fan of the Emergency Room. But I am happy to say that it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. True, I am still not too comfy in the ER, but hey, those two weeks weren't so horrible after all.

The DEMS residents were really nice. Fun sila kasama sa duty. Kahit na nagrereklamo kami kasi lagi nila kaming nauutusan, okay pa din kasi at least nakapagpractice kami ng procedures. Medyo nanunumbalik na ang confidence level ko sa pagtusok ng kung anu-anong needles at pag-insert ng kung anu-anong tubes sa mga pasyente. At kahit na parang naging normal na lang sa pang araw-araw na buhay namin 'yung may namamatay sa harapan mo after mo tumulong na i-resuscitate siya (tipong sasabihin mo na lang na, "Ano, namatay na ba 'yung si ______? Okay."), na-realize ko din na capable pa rin pala ako na makaramdam ng compassion para sa mga taong walang-wala talaga at hindi na alam kung paano ang gagawin dahil nagkasakit 'yung kasama niya. Na sa isang tanong mo lang na "Okay lang po ba kayo? Pagod na po ba kayo?", sobrang matutuwa na sila sa 'yo at magkukwento na tungkol sa buhay nila.

Nakakatuwa din kasi okay na okay 'yung group dynamics ng duty team namin nina Dandro at Rizza. Walang lamangan.. ideally. Joke. Seriously, I liked the way our group managed to work together. We were constantly looking out and helping each other, kaya sobrang astig. Walang iwanan. Sa katoxican o tulugan, sa kainan o gutuman, magkasama. Hehe. Nagustuhan ko sila katrabaho. Feeling ko nga mas close ako sa kanila ngayon e. Kaya ayun.

I really did enjoy my DEMS rotation, although the fact that being in Anes means I won't be seeing (or smelling) the ER for two whole weeks is still a very welcome concept for me.

That's all na muna for DEMS.

As for Anes... kailangan ko ng procedures! We are required to do six intubations and three spinals, and so far I have... one spinal. Hehe. Di bale, I have two duty days pa naman and 'yung mga everyday posts na hopefully ipagawa sa kin ng resident. My "mantra" these days is "What I need will come to me." Thank you Lord dahil alam ko makukumpleto ko ang aking procedure checklist bago pa matapos ang rotation na 'to. ;)

*************************

Kung sinumang kumuha ng BP app ko sa ER, sana napapakinabangan mo siya ng husto.

*************************

Gusto ko ng bagong laptop. IM na kami in just a little over a week.

*************************

Wala lang. I'm just glad to be home.

Snuggle-wuggle.

.post-surgery post.

2007-09-07T18:15:00.000+08:00

Parang ang tagal tagal na nung Surgery rotation ko. E kung tutuusin nung Tuesday lang naman nag-end 'yun at kakastart ko lang sa DEMS (Department of Emergency Medical Services) nung Wednesday. Pero wala lang. Ngayon ko lang din kasi narealize na mabilis din pala lumipas ang four weeks.

At hindi pa rin ako nakakauwi sa amin simula nung nag-umpisa ako sa Surg. Haaay. Dapat talaga makauwi na ko when I rotate sa Anesth kasi IM na kami kasunod nun. Baka 8 straight weeks ako hindi makauwi by that time. E dun pa naman papatak ang birthday ko! Ehehe. Wala lang.

Surgery was an okay enough rotation... but it was quite stressful kasi parang I was dealing with so many other issues within myself at the same time. Ewan ko. It was like I was fighting an inward battle. My love-walk was not in prime condition pa nun, so siguro un din ang puno't-dulo ng lahat. It's so hard to explain now that it's all in the past na, but back then it was such an effort to even just get up in the morning, put a smile on my face, and show the world that everything's just fine and dandy.

Ewan. Siguro kasi ang medyo matagal-tagal na rin akong hindi nakakapakinig ng Word. Kulang na kulang.

And that stress even managed to manifest naturally kasi pinagaling ako. I was febrile for three days pero siyempre hindi naman maka-absent kasi mas hassle pa 'yun. And I had the most embarrassing experience when I had to step out of the OR in the middle of an operation because I felt like my head was spinning and that I was going to fall anytime. Pero praise God pa rin kasi I am healed na.. from the top of my head to the soles of my feet. All glory to God!

Marami akong natutunan sa Surg.. sa ER, sa OR assists, sa mga lectures and preceptorials, and all that jazz. Pero marami rin akong natutunan in dealing with people.

Nakaka-frustrate lang kasi minsan kapag mari-realize mo na hindi lahat ng tao kaparehas mo mag-isip. Kung hindi kasi natin makita na iba-iba talaga tayo, dun nag-uumpisa ang hindi pagkakaunawaan at hindi pagkakaintindihan. Wala lang. Siguro dapat ko lang mas matutunan pang umintindi at magpasensya.

Nakaka-gigil lang kasi minsan ang mga taong nag-iisip na sila na lang palagi ang bida. Na sa bawat usapan kailangan sila ang sikat. Ayaw magpatalo. Nakakatawa na nga e. Kahit anong sabihin mo o ikuwento, tiyak meron siyang maikukwento na mas matindi pa sa kwento mo, positive man o negative. Mga taong dalawa lang ang klase ng pag-iisip: either siya na ang pinaka-kawawa sa buong mundo or siya na ang pinakamagaling sa lahat. Pathetic. I guess in a way ok na din yun kasi naho-hone ang aking listening skills. I'm learning to focus on what other people say instead of myself. Sana lang minsan meron din magfocus sa mga sinasabi ko. Wehehe. Actually, meron naman. Kaya thank you. Hindi lang din talaga ako masyadong nagsasalita na minsan. Ehehe. ;)

Nakakairita din ang mga tao na feeling nila alam na nila ang lahat sa buhay mo, feeling nila kilalang-kilala nila at may karapatan na silang magsalita ng kung anu-ano sa iyo. Feeling nila may lisensya na sila na makialam. E ni wala pa sa kalingkingan ang pagkakakilala nila sa pagkatao mo. Ambabaw lang ng pagkakaintindi nila. Excuse me. I only allow very few and select people into the deepest parts of my heart.

Waaah. Sorry. I know I never wrote anything mean here before. Wala lang. Hindi din naman kasi ako nagsasalita tungkol sa mga ganitong bagay e. Don't know how to put it in such a way that would make people want to listen. Plus, wala naman siyang sense so wag na lang din di ba?

I guess sometimes, naiisip ko, nakakapagod na rin. Minsan nakakalimutan ko na 'yung reason kung bakit ba patuloy at patuloy ko pa ring ginagawa 'to. May napakinggan ako non na speaker sa school. Sabi niya, "You have to find your own niche. Your niche is that one special thing that will make you wake up excited to do your work every single day." Tapos, naisip ko, kailan kaya magiging ganon ang medisina para sa kin? Para kanino ba at ginagawa ko ang lahat ng 'to? Minsan, sobrang effort ang kailangan kong i-exert para lang mapicture ang sarili ko na ginagawa 'to for the rest of my life. Parang hindi ko na alam kung ano ang gusto kong mangyari sa buhay ko. Para akong umiikot nang umiikot na hindi alam kung saang direksyon ba talaga ako pupunta.

Ewan. Basta ang alam ko, talagang grasya lang ng Panginoon ang mapapasalamatan ko kung bakit ko napapagtagumpayan ang madaming mga bagay araw-araw. Dahil kung wala iyon, baka matagal na akong sumuko. At nagapapasalamat din ako sa Panginoon kasi naglalagay siya ng mga tao sa paligid ko na laging nagpapa-alala sa akin na I am "..light, and God will never allow that light to be extinguished. Darkness can never even overcome that light." I will never forget those words that uplifted my spirit in a way that you can't even imagine.

Only the thought that God has a plan for me, and has a good future in store me, keeps me going every single day.

And sometimes, it's the thought that this will all be over eventually that does that for me.

Don't get me wrong. I do want to become a doctor, and I know that by the grace of God, I am destined to become an excellent physician who takes after the Great Healer Himself. I want to reach the world with the hands of Jesus and show them that a life with Him is the greatest kind of life that we can live. Pero siyempre, gusto ko din naman na i-embody 'yun. Gusto kong makita ng mga tao ang joy sa buhay ko. JOY. JOY. JOY.

I guess I am just going through a phase. Ewan. Ewan. Ewan ko talaga.

.mid-surgery post.

2007-08-15T13:01:00.000+08:00

Sayang. I was planning sana na every end of rotation ako gagawa ng bagong post para organized ang documentation ng aking clerkship, pero wala e. Lakas talaga ng hatak sa akin ng blog ko. :)

Anyway, classes are supended today because of the foul weather.. and ang saya-saya kasi kasali pa rin kami sa suspension! Nakakatawa nga e, kasi this is the second time in my less than 2 weeks in Surgery that classes were suspended on the day that I was supposed to go on duty sa ER. So yey!

It's not like I have anything against the PGH-ER. Well, definitely, it could use a lot of improvement. Not just with facilities and supplies, but even in the way the entire complex is run. Ewan ko. Wala lang. The first time I went on duty, sobrang na-miss ko ang OBAS. Hehe. I mean, sure, OBAS duties last 24 hours, while we were only required to stay in the ACU-ER from 6pm to 6am, but for some reason, I find myself more tired at the end of the day here. Tapos, wala pang post-duty status kasi hanggang 5pm ka pa kailangan mag-stay sa PGH kahit na technically off ka na. We have to be on-call for OR assists, patient orders, new admissions, rounds, and others. So uuwi ka siguro mga 5pm the next day, then go back again at 7am for a new day. Sabi nga ni Ate, para na daw pala akong sa PGH nakatira.

Hindi pa nga ako ulit nakakauwi sa amin e. I know it's only been a week, pero nakakamiss na rin talaga. There's no place like home, ika nga. And by home, that means both my home and my church. Wala lang.

Ayan. I just reread what I wrote and I realized na parang nagrereklamo pala ako no? I shouldn't be. Sabi nga ni Dr. Consunji na aming consultant monitor for Surg, wala daw kaming right na magcomplain hangga't vertical pa kami, caring for patients who are lying horizontal (okay, that sounds weird written down, but trust me, it made an impact on me when Dr. Consunji said it). We have to learn responsibility and accountability. He wants us to be so directly involved in the patient care that things wouldn't run as smoothly if we weren't around (although medyo idealistic siguro si Sir dun, so far paperwork talaga ang bulk ng role namin e). He also said that we have to keep an open mind when we rotate in the various departments. I guess I wasn't as enthusiastic about rotating in Surg because I had more or less already ruled it out as a possible specialty, but he encouraged us to still try and get the most out of these 4 weeks even if we had no intentions of going into it in the very near(!) future.

I spent the first week in Trauma division... and I just know Surgery is not for me. Hehe. I did enjoy it though. The residents, who appeared scary at first, turned out to be really cool and helpful after all. They also kept giving me procedures to do, which I acknowledge as the favor of God at work in my life. I'm just not really comfortable in the ER setting, where tension is thick and adrenaline runs high and everyone is in a rush to get things done because someone's life is hanging on it. Definitely not for me. And I claim God's strength, endurance, favor, mercy, compassion, joy, peace, gentleness, meekness, longsuffering, kindness, and LOVE for the rest of my days in Surg, and in PGH na din as a whole. Ehehe. ;)

One thing I liked about it though - I had some opportunity to talk with patients and their bantays and hear them out. I can especially remember one particular bantay I accompanied to the cashier to pay for their labs. She came all the way from Bulacan to bring her nephew who was involved in a terrible vehicular crash and was gravely injured. As we were walking, we talked about the patient, their financial state, how she felt at that moment, stuff like that. I told her to never lose hope and just keep on praying to God. She was near tears as she was talking, and my heart was moved with compassion for their family. When the patient was finally admitted to the ward, I made it a point to drop by and check in on them every so often.

The patients help me see that I am blessed to be a blessing. They show me that I can actually make a world of a difference, not just medically speaking, but even by just simply showing them that they matter. That they deserve more than just a moment of my time, and that they are entitled to receiving the help that they need. I try to make it a point to talk to patients when they ask me something (although minsan talaga lumalabas ang "Itanong niyo na lang po kasi dun sa nurse" sa kin). hehe. Ewan ko. Wala lang. I'm really consciously trying to practice compassion, kahit na effort talaga minsan. That's the kind of doctor I want to be e.

Ay nako. Ano na namang drama ito? Hehe. Wala lang. Pero fun din naman talaga. You can enjoy anything naman if you choose to e! Kaya praise God for my blockmates, my servicemates, the comfy callroom, the mess hall, and for every good and perfect gift that comes from above! Hahaha! ;)

Gusto ko lang sana talaga ng post-duty privileges. Hahaha! ;)

.post-"elective" post. sort of.

2007-08-02T21:53:00.000+08:00

Ayan, palapit na naman nang palapit ang pasukan. Haha, it's kind of weird to think that for me, it feels like the end of the summer vacation, when on the other hand, clerkship has been going on regularly for my other classmates.

Wala lang. Patapos na naman ang aking bakasyon. Ambilis talaga ng paglipas ng four weeks.

Pero okay lang. Excited naman na din ako pumasok. Surgery? BRING IT ON! Hehe. And besides, balita ko naman sa mga current rotators dun e relatively benign siya, so I may still get to go home to Las Piñas basta pwede. Kaya lang, yun nga, 7am din everyday ang pasok so I'm not sure kung practical pa talagang bumiyahe. Oh well, we'll see na lang. Basta ang alam ko, maeenjoy ko ang Surg. Thank you Lord for the patience, the strength, the compassion, and the JOY!

All in all, I am very much satisfied with the way I spent my four weeks. I got so much more than I bargained for, and I give God all the glory for that.

Unang-una, nagpapasalamat talaga ako dahil sa July-August pa talaga napatapat 'yung elective rotation ko. As in saktong-sakto siya siyempre dun sa recording ng Faithmusic Manila. And helping out with the preparations and the video editing afterwards are some of the highlights of my vacation. I missed that! I felt at home. And the best thing is, I think I am learning quite a lot just from watching those videos over and over again, and getting to work with excellent people (ayuusss, hallooo Ate Neng, Kuya Lowe, Cane, at sa lahat na!). Ay naku, kung pwede nga lang hanggang sa kadulu-duluhan ng post-production bumuntot ako kina Ate Neng at Kuya Lowe, gagawin ko e.. kaya lang pasukan na eh. Aww.... ehehe.

Natutuwa nga ako kasi parang ngayon, with all honesty, I am enjoying being behind-the-scenes and making other people look good. Promise, as in walang joke! Dati kasi andun 'yung parang kating-kati na ko to do something else, to see kung ano ba talaga ang plano ng Panginoon sa buhay ko. Pero ngayon, wala. Natutuwa talaga ako sa ganito. Kung ganito ang gagawin ko sa ministry for the rest of my life, sobrang okay lang sa 'kin 'yun! The word I am looking for would be "content"... I am content with what I am doing. Of course, we always work towards excellence, and God is definitely a God of increase, and I am sure we can look forward to so much more.. but I am so enjoying the NOW too! Hallelujah! Hehe. ;)

Pangalawa, I also spent some time helping out sa Trad Med clinic ni Dr. Galvez-Tan sa PGH. Acupuncture galore! Wala lang. Sobrang interesado kasi ako sa acupuncture e, and I want to see how it really works. Ang daming hands-on kaya nakakatuwa talaga. Salamat din sa aking kaklaseng si Herb for helping me out. Medyo mas confident na ko magtusok ng tao ngayon. Time well spent. Aliw pa kasi nagagamit ko siya sa pamilya ko, mga kaibigan ko, at sa mga taong kakilala ko (Hello Kuya Jo, my favorite patient! nyahahaha! Glad you got over your fear na, praise God!). It's a blessing! Hope kahit pasukan na I can still go there from time to time. Doc Jimmy has clinics during Mondays and Wednesdays, 9am-12pm. Punta kayo!

Pangatlo, I also helped in editing the documentation of the 3rd UP Global Health Course, of which I was a part last summer. Bukod sa malakas sa 'kin si Julius, e may special spot talaga sa puso ko ang COME unit at 'yung naganap nga na GHC kaya I was very willing to help out. Plus, I like editing! One of the things I enjoy doing. Hehe. At siguro bonus na din na si Ma'am Portia 'yung in charge over the whole thing, so kahit na hindi ko naman talaga siya nakausap nitong mga nakaraang linggo, I like the idea that I am indirectly working under her. Hahaha! Wala lang. Connect with the people you want to "embody" someday.. or something like that.

Pang-apat, siyempre may mga leisure din. May mga panahong pumupunta akong Manila just for fun. Basta gusto ko lang. To see the people I want to see at magpakasaya lang with them. Detox. Small holiday. Privileges. Badminton and kung anu-ano pang chorvaness.. nyahaha. Wattaword. Aliw pa kasi lahat ng mga on-duty kong classmates kapag nakakasalubong ko, binabati ako with a "Ang benign mo naman!" na greeting. Hehe. At may mga pending pa. Cookout ba ika niyo blockmates?

Panlima, I got to work on my Palawan reflection paper (finally!).

Pang-anim, BONDING WITH MY FAMILY, of course! It's great na my parents' anniversary was last July 12, so I was around for the celebration. Galante ang Ate ko! Hehe. And all the other family events other than that. Uber cool, kasi siyempre, nakakamiss 'yun kapag lagi ka na lang nasa ospital at hindi makauwi. Sadness lang kasi hindi ko naituloy ang aking initial plan na umuwi ng Pagsanjan. Pero ayun. BONDING galore further strengthens relationships. Kasama na rin jan ang bonding with friends, my faith group, and more.

Pampito, na-restore ang aking love relationship with my guitar. And I'm planning on bringing her with me to Orosa para hindi na kami muling magkawalay pa.

Pangwalo, back to the Word and beauty ko. Ehehe. ;)

Hahaha. Panigurado meron akong mga hindi naisulat dito. Sabi nga ni Mama sa kin, "Para kang trumpo, paikot-ikot ng mabilis." Owel. Di bale na, ang haba na naman nito e. Pero ayun, masaya lang ako.

GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME! All glory to Him and Him alone!

.bestfriends.

2007-07-26T23:18:00.000+08:00

*This entry was inspired by the fact that I just spent three consecutive days talking heart-to-heart with three different people (separately) that I consider as my bestfriends.*

I was around three years old when I made my very first best friend. She was the little sister of my Ate's friend. Her name was Ceres. We were playmates and almost-neighbors (they lived about two streets away from us back then), and soon, we also became classmates. We didn't really have a lot in common, but for us, it was enough that she liked playing with me and I liked playing with her. We spent every morning together in school and almost every afternoon alternately going to each other's houses.

Ah. Blissful times.

Eventually, we made other friends and I began to make new bestfriends, too. Soon, four of us in the same class started to gravitate towards one another more than the others, and so we decided to make our group our "official" barkada. Our "Now and Then" era is one of my favorite childhood memories. For several years, Ceres, Odyssa, Meg and I were inseparable. We talked about anything, and we did everything together. We were tight, no doubt about that, but we also fought almost every other day about the silliest of things. When we weren't making each other cry, we were giving each other the cold shoulder. Yet, we would always make up before the day ends. We managed to maintain our closeness until we graduated from grade school. We had such high hopes for high school and were looking forward to great and exciting years together.

But some things don't really happen the way you expect them.

Shortly after high school started, I was making new bestfriends again. I think I graduated from high school calling about seven people my "bestfriend". I even made bestfriends outside of school. I think two of my bestfriends around this time were from church. My friendship with Trisha stands strong until now. And eventually, Odyssa, Meg and I resolved our "issues", and thank God, up to now, our friendship is among the strongest that held. (I never get to see Ceres anymore, but from what I hear, she has happily settled down, and I am happy for her. I'll always look back on our friendship with fondness.)

Ate used to tease me about calling just about anyone "bestfriend" that it has already lost its meaning to me (Heeyy, now that I think about it, I call my Ate my bestfriend too! And she's the best.. kung baga, built-in na eh! Love ko 'yun sobra!). But it never has.

For some reason, I just know that every single person I called as "bestfriend" has a particularly special place in my heart. I wouldn't even have considered calling them that if they didn't. Okay, so maybe I have thrown the word around quite a lot (get this: when I was in the third grade, I had my bestfriends from school, a bestfriend from Sunday School, a bestfriend in Pagsanjan and even a school bus bestfriend... all at the same time!) but I always make sure that I mean what I say. I knew that each of those people had something special in them that I wanted to get to know more of, so I made the effort to get close to them.

I guess in my own unique, albeit weird, way, I was trying to tell these people how significant and special they were (and still are!) to me. It may sound funny and absurd, but I don't care. This way, I get to have my BESSES, my BEST, my BESPREN, my BESTFRIEND, my PANGZ, and other terms of endearments that pertain to the one-of-a-kind people in my life. And I love them all with the AGAPE kind of love.

I am forever thankful to God for bringing them into my life. I never regret "overusing" the word BESTFRIEND because it meant, at the very least, that I was able to become a part of these beautiful people's lives and they became a part of mine. I know that they all had their specific and unique roles to play in whoever I am today. They are not only my constant companions in gimmicks and get-togethers - they are also my teachers, helping me learn much about life, love, relationships, and people.

From my earlier years, I know I had grown up quite a lot. I no longer spend my time thinking about the petty things that the grade school and high school social life was all about (although sometimes, it's also fun to indulge and talk about these things when we get together.. we get a good laugh out of it!). I began to to be more aware, and perhaps selective, of the people I allowed to enter in. In college, I only called two very special people as my bestfriends, even though I made plenty of other good friends. It was the depth that made the difference. I love them all equally, though I truly share my life with only a few.

And up to the present, there is still only one person I can truly claim to be my covenant friend. ;)

See? I am growing up, after all!

As I said in one of my earlier blog entries, "I have a number of intimately close friends with whom I share my dreams and visions, and a great many friends who give me plenty of reasons to smile each day."

The passing of time inevitably brings about change, and some of the marvelous people I call my bestfriends, I rarely get to see anymore. Yes, it's sad, but it's okay, because I know for sure that I will never forget them. They are already written in the pages of the history of my life, and they have each made their own, distinct marks on my heart that will not fade away.

.random thoughts.

2007-07-23T16:02:00.000+08:00

I make jokes about 70% of the time. Even when I'm serious.

I don't confront. I don't talk.

So I write.

I am sorry.

**********

Watching SONA.

**********

Congrats Ate Neng and Kuya Lowe. Glory to God!

.house md.

2007-07-18T11:16:00.000+08:00

Dahil wala akong magawa kahapon, inumpisahan ko ulit un House MD. Started from Season 1, Episode 1.

At totoo nga. You learn something new everyday.

Being the BRILLIANT medical student that I am, may natutunan na naman ako. MYOCLONIC JERKS. Happens when you are falling asleep. Your body interprets it as dying, and the respiratory system slows down, so your brain sends a pulse to wake you up.

Kaya pala madalas daw akong nagje-jerk kapag tulog ako. ;-)

O di ba? The things I learn from watching TV. Hahaha! Parang hindi ko natutunan sa Adams and Victor's Principles of Neurology 'yun e.

Haaay. Gusto ko na ulit mag-rotate. Ehehe.

********************

Mama keeps pressing me to do something worthwhile (i.e., something medical daw.. hahaha!) with my free time. Mag-volunteer daw ako sa clinic ni Doc Jimmy. Secret lang natin ha, pero I think Mama's a fan of Doc Jim. Hahaha! (Peace Ma, alam kong binabasa niyo blog ko. Hehe.)

Well, I do want to use my time well. Pero medyo nasha-shy kasi ako e. Wala lang. Basta.

Hmm. Maybe I'll go see if Ma'am Portia can give me something to do.

Yeah, right. Si Doc Jim nga nahihiya ako lapitan e. Si Ma'am pa? Nyahahaha!

Plus, I can think of other worthwhile things to use my time on.. mga bagay na baka hindi ko na ulit magawa kapag nag-umpisa na ulit ako sa rotations ko. Ehehe. We'll see na lang.

********************

Birthday ni Tatay today, pero asa heaven na siya e.. so si Nanay na lang ang binati ko. Hehe. Had a somewhat emotional conversation with her (on something totally unrelated to Tatay's birthday.. Ehehe)... but I really believe that everything will work out fine. God is good in our lives eh!

Mehn. I miss my family in Pagsanjan. Sobra. Gusto ko silang makita at makasama ulit. Maybe I'll get to go there one time ngayong bakasyon ako. I hope.

.samutsari.

2007-07-14T22:22:00.000+08:00

Three days into my "vacation"... and so far I have been having a blast. Medyo nahihirapan na nga lang ako mag-explain sa mga tao kung bakit apat na linggo akong walang pasok ngayon.

O sige, once and for all, ieexplain ko na dito. Ganito kasi 'yon. Lahat ng mga LU 6 students (4th year med proper or clerks) sa UPCM ay required na mag-take ng isang 4-week elective of their choice. Sila ang bahalang pumili kung anong field ang gusto nilang mapag-aralan sa loob ng 4 weeks na 'yun. Kahit ano. Pero kung sa PGH may list sila of offered courses. Ngayon, may option sila to take it within the school year (kasi meron talagang 4 weeks na allotted for it in the academic calendar) or the summer before clerkship starts. At 'yun naman ang ginawa ko. Nag-elective ako ng Community Medicine nung summer - the weeklong Global Health Course and my 3-week stint in Palawan. At dahil dun, ngayong elective rotation na talaga ng block ko... bakasyon na ko! Tapos na eh.

Shucks. That reminds me that I still have to write my reaction paper for our Palawan Adventure. Ehehe.

*******************************

HARI NG KALUWALHATIAN

(Faithmusic Manila's 7th Album)

Live Recording

July 20, 2007

7:00 PM

Faith Center Las Pinas

2nd Floor, Uniwide Metromall

SEE YOU THERE!

*******************************

I was rummaging through my old stuff last night and I found one of my old notebooks. Wow. I used to write a lot. As in literally write. It was only with the advent of the blog in my life when I decided to trade in my pens and notebooks for a keyboard and a computer screen. Whenever I would learn something new from the Word of God, I wrote it down.

Then these words, which I myself really wrote down a couple of years back, jumped out at me:

"Lord, I desire intimacy with You. I want to get closer to You. So close that with every breath I take, I am aware that You are near. So close that with every thought that comes, Your Word comes with it. So close that I hear even the faintest whisper of Your voice. So close that when I speak, Your Word comes out of my mouth."

Man. The passion, the longing, the desire for intimacy.

Nasan na 'yung babae na nagsulat non?

I started to realize how much I have neglected to study the Word, how little of my time I have been giving Him, and how many excuses I have been making in order to justify my slowly diminishing moments with Him. I can remember countless times I have fallen asleep in the middle of praying to Him because I had waited until I was so tired before I even acknowledged Him. There were days when I couldn't even bring myself to sing to Him on my own because I had allowed myself to be swallowed up by the system that we call as "Clerkship".

Now is not the time to let go His hand. Actually, there will never be a time for that. I need Him.

The greatest thing about it is that I know He has never even left me. He's always been there, waiting for me to say His name, to draw near to Him, to ask for His guidance in my life. The Holy Spirit has always been in me, never for one moment abandoning me. My God is so faithful. His grace is truly sufficient for me.

LORD, I NEED YOU. I LOVE YOU.

And I also thank God for people who keep reminding me that He is good all the time. That He should always be first place in my life. That His mercies are new every morning. That if I would just call on Him, He will welcome me with loving arms.

Jesus is my HOME.

I'm coming home.

*******************************

I'm feeling a little weird today. Wala lang.

*******************************

Nagtext sa 'kin si Julius kahapon, telling me na kung hindi pumayag si Tom na magpresent para dun sa Clinico-Pathologic Conference (CPC) sa Tuesday, ako daw ang papalit. Actually, 4th in line pa ko e. Ayon kay Juls e dapat si Rizza muna after Tom, tapos siya. Na ipinapasa na niya sa 'kin (for reasons that made me blush.. hahaha! kidding. Won't say na, feeling na masyado) at ico-coach na lang daw niya ko.

Actually, as of today e wala pa akong balita kung tuloy talaga iyon. Sana napapayag si Tom. Pero that experience also served as a correction for me. Kasi nung unang sinabi ni Julius sa kin yon, sobrang negative ng reaction ko. As in, "Ok lang siya?? Pagpepresentin niya ko ng something medical??? Ano naman iniisip non?? E di bale sana kung Bioethics yun or something di ba???" Hehe. As in ganon.

Well, I admit it. I'm not exactly the most stellar medical student around (But by faith, I am getting better in the name of Jesus!)... And there are still so many concepts that are very foreign to me (siguro dahil tinulugan ko lang yung mga yun noon). But God corrected me by showing me how little I saw myself. I failed to see myself as having the mind of Christ, and I trusted in my own ability. Actually, I realized I have been doing that for the longest time. As a result, FEAR came. And I realized, kung ako mismo, wala akong tiwala sa sarili ko, pano magtitiwala sa akin ang ibang tao? Hindi naman ako hahayaan ni Lord na mapahiya e.

Okay, so I am not saying that I want to present on Tuesday.. kasi talagang nananalangin pa rin ako na pumayag na si Tom or kung sino mang blockmate ko. But I have been shown something by God. That I must never be afraid to step out in faith. That I must always see myself the way God sees me. That my confidence should come from God alone.

At ang pathetic ko naman di ba.. kung halimbawang wala na ngang ibang taong maniniwala sa akin, tas yun sarili ko pa hindi rin maniniwala sa kin. Ang sad.

Where does my confidence come from? It comes from the Lord!!! :)

*******************************

Wow, ang haba na naman ng post ko. Classic.

.post-OB post.

2007-07-11T14:30:00.000+08:00

Four weeks. It went by faster than I thought it would.

All glory to God and to Him alone! I liked my OB rotation. I am saying that now as I look at it in retrospect. I realize now just how much exposure and experience I have gained in those four weeks I spent with the Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology of PGH.

To be honest, I can still remember so vividly the frustration I would feel when I would be decked yet another patient in LR/DR at 6:30 AM when there was an impending summary rounds in the morning, or how heavy my legs would feel after climbing up the stairs leading to the labs for the nth time in the middle of the night, or maybe the way I would will the clock to run faster when I had to stay in the wards and time just seemed to pass by soooo slowly. I remember getting bored in the OR and almost falling asleep as I was retracting. I also had moments of getting irritated at all the demands of the patients who kept complaining of their hunger or discomfort, and being guilty once or twice of answering them in a way that gave no regard for their pain at all.

And it's only the grace of God and the joy of the Lord that is my strength that got me through all that.

Yet, I can still also so much more clearly see the relief on the new mommies' faces when I tell them that the worst is over, that she now has a little boy or girl waiting for her. I remember uttering a prayer every time a resident would shout "FULLY!" after examining a patient assigned to me, and then feeling triumphant after the baby has been delivered. I hear them saying "Thank you" in their tired voices, looking up at me and attempting to smile in the process, not knowing that all I did was assist in pulling her baby out and that she and the resident actually did most of the work. I remember cuddling little babies in my arms and feeling relaxed as I watched them fall asleep, thinking how marvelous God really is for making life so beautiful.

I also smile as I think about the people I have been able to work with - the interns and residents of Service B. I chuckle to myself as I look back on how lost my blockmates and I were at the start, and how we bombarded our interns with questions on what to do and where to go. I have to laugh when I think about how they would all call me "toxic magnet", residents and interns alike, believing that my mere presence was enough to bring in a barrage of patients. I also think back gratefully on the residents who were nice enough to teach us the basics of what to do in OB-GYN, that by the end of the rotation, we were somewhat more confident in performing the skills we have been taught.

I don't know. Am I romanticizing it too much? It was challenging, that much is true. And the setting was not really ideal. PGH runs out of supplies every now and then that we have to turn away patients from time to time. The LR/DR fills up so quickly that it could give some blockbuster hits a run for their money. It was pathetic to see two patients and their babies sharing a stretcher bed, or maybe five more sitting on the floor because there were no more available beds. Patients complain of not having enough money, of having come to PGH expecting everything to be free and becoming disappointed and desperate upon finding out that it's not because the hospital just can't afford to provide everything for them. But then again, sabi nga nila, hindi na daw dapat problema ang pera dahil ang pagbubuntis at panganganak naman daw ay hindi isang emergency. Meron ka nang siyam na buwan para mapaghandaan iyon.

Once again, the cold splash of the reality of the Philippine health care situation hit me in the face -some things definitely have to change if we want to really uphold the fact that HEALTH IS A RIGHT. Yes, while it's true that health really goes beyond the four walls of the hospital, this still has to be said: When the premier government hospital no longer has the necessary materials to cater to the needs of its people, then something must really be wrong with the picture. And soon enough, we would have come back to the question of WHY?

And why do people from far far places still feel that they have to go to PGH? Don't the other hospitals and clinics nearer to them provide the same quality of health care?

I don't know. Maybe it's all more complicated than I think. But it really is depressing to see PGH like that. But it got me stirred up.. because I know that it is not a hopeless cause.

The past four weeks proved to be better than I had thought it would be. It was a fitting start of the year as it helped us to ease into clerkship without the extreme toxicity or benignity of the other rotations. It was somewhere in between I guess, and somehow, I feel more prepared now for the rest of the year.

But for now...I AM ON VACATION! My summer elective in Palawan has now afforded me four weeks of free time.. a reprieve from PGH, if you must.

I plan to use this time to replenish what has been used up.

I need to get back to my life. Hehe. ;)

.Jesus.

2007-06-24T16:57:00.000+08:00

Everything in your life can change in an instant, but God will never ever change.

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

I said that sa faith group kanina... I was just realizing it at the same time as I was saying it. And as I am thinking about it again now... natutuwa na naman ako.

That fact brings me comfort like no other.

;-)

.OB-Gyn.

2007-06-15T18:10:00.000+08:00

Ayan. Kala ko matatagalan na ulit bago ko magpost ulit nung nag-umpisa na ang pasok ko sa PGH, pero hindi rin pala. Malakas ang tawag sa akin ng blogspot. Hehe. I just finished typing our case protocol for our SGD in OB-Gyn next week (I think), and I thought I would just drop by for a quick post.

Ayan, so I've had a taste of all the status (es?) that OB-Gyn has for us clerks: Pre-duty, Duty, and Post-duty. We stay in the wards during pre-duty from 7:30am to 4pm, and 24 hours in either OBAS or LR/DR when on Duty. Kapag post, at walang lectures, SGDs at conferences.... TULOG!! Hehe.

Basta, after one 24-hour duty pa lang, so far, I can't really say that I know already how things go in OB-Gyn. Basta ang alam ko mabilisan talaga lahat. Ang weird ng feeling kasi kung tatayo ka lang habang lahat ng tao sa paligid mo may ginagawa na e. Hehe.

Tas ayun. One thing I really discovered about myself during the night I was walking from OBAS to Perinatology and back for so many times... I feel compassionate towards teenage moms. I was assisting 17- and 18-year olds who were heavy with children! They were so young, and yet this early, their eyes looked so tired. They looked as if they had given up hope of a good future, and were just willing to scramble through life, even if it means just barely getting by. And when I see their partners, I couldn't help but think of how unprepared they really were for this. I mean, I am not one to judge, but still.. you know what I mean. I doubt if half of these young people already have stable jobs that could support their respective families.

I realized that what young people need today is to be taught - about life, about what could happen, and everything else they need to know. They need people who are willing to teach them without judging them. These young people were asking me questions, the answers to which I had thought were already obvious to everyone, but apparently, I was wrong. I kept on talking to them as we were waiting because I felt for them. I wanted to help them, but I didn't know how. It had nothing to do with my role as a clerk, I know, but I just really wanted to know them. No pretenses here, I assure you.

Hahaha. Am I speaking too soon? 3 days pa lang ako sa OB-Gyn e. Oh well. Next time na ulit.

Basta, everything I do is for the greater glory of God... and all by the grace of God! I am strong in the Lord and in the power of His might.

Hahahaha. OA ako. ;)

.walang title to.

2007-06-11T21:41:00.000+08:00

I just realized that my last entry was a tad too melodramatic. Haha. Medyo lang. Wala lang. Siguro kung anu-ano lang naiisip ko nung araw na iyon.

At parang ang sipag ko magpost these days no? Ewan ko ba. Savoring the last of my vacation, I guess. Hindi ko rin kasi alam kung kailan ako magpopost ulit e. I'll be going back to Manila tomorrow in order to prep myself for my first day AND first 24-hour duty in the OB Admitting Section. I keep asking myself nga if I am making too big a deal of it na e. It's all I can talk about these days.

But then again, it does entail a major lifestyle overhaul on my part.

Mama and I ran into Ronnie yesterday. Ronnie was my schoolmate from high school who is now a year ahead of me in UP Med. He is currently an intern at PGH. And his very encouraging words were, "Mas mahirap ang clerkship kaysa sa internship!" And then turning to my mom, he said, "Sigurado po hindi niyo na masyadong makikita sa bahay 'yang si Ellen." Hahaha! Very calming words. Hehe. Peace tayo Ronnie. Basta, all by the grace of God... all for the greater glory of God!

Earlier today, I went with Ate Neng, Kuya Lowe, Ira, and Rhema to the Jesus the Giver of Life Church in Muntinlupa. There was a gathering of the worship teams of the branch churches, and they invited Kuya Lowe and Ate Neng to be the guest speakers. It was pretty much similar with Faithmusic Manila's Summer Music Workshop... same Word message that Kuya Lowe shared, same worship leading principles taught by Ate Neng... but it feels like it's brand-new every time I hear it.

For some reason, I was feeling wistful (AGAIN!!) kanina. I don't know why. Siguro kasi namiss ko sila kasama. Siguro kasi pasukan na naman. Hehe. But another thing I felt today was.. how do you describe it.. STIRRED UP. There. That's the term for it. Maybe it was because for quite some time now, I was already resigned to the fact that I would no longer be around as often as I would have wanted, and that there are now other things that need my attention. I have grudgingly accepted the fact that certain things really do have to change.

But as I was sitting there, it suddenly hit me that this was where I felt most at home (aside from my real home, of course.. hehe). Doing these things. Ministering to people in whatever way possible, be it big or small. Reaching out to the Body of Christ. Being with people who share my heart, running towards the same vision. Changing lives through music. Bringing people to God, meeting needs, changing lives.

And I know, no matter where I go, no matter how long it takes, I will always come back home.

.halo-halong kadramahan.

2007-06-09T10:45:00.001+08:00

Wala lang. Sabado na naman ng umaga at eto, nakaupo na naman ako sa harap ng computer ko. O siguro nakatunganga ang mas mainam na salita para sa kung anumang ginagawa ko. Parang ang dami-daming mga bagay ang tumatakbo sa isip ko pero hindi ko mahanap ang mga tamang salita para mailabas lahat 'yun.

Kaya ayan, hindi ko alam kung anong sinusulat ko dito, basta nagtatype lang ako sa keyboard at ewan ko na kung anong lalabas.

Naaalala ko pa ang sinabi sa akin ni Ate Neng nung isang beses na nag-usap kami ng masinsinan.. Sabi niya, "Len, huwag mong hayaang lumiit ang mundo mo." Kung anumang konteksto nung pag-uusap naming 'yon at kung bakit niya nasambit sa akin iyon e hindi ko na muna isusulat dito, pero ngayon ay binabalikan ako nung mga salitang 'yun sa ibang paraan at napapaisip ako. Ano ba ang ginagawa ko sa buhay ko?

Minsan hindi ko alam kung ano ba talaga ako sa mundong ginagalawan ko. Hindi ko alam kung ano ba talaga ang papel na dapat kong gampanan, kung saan ko ba dapat gamitin ang buhay na ibinigay sa akin ng Panginoon. Basta ang alam ko, nag-aaral ako ng medisina ngayon, at sa loob lang ng dalawang taon ay magiging isang ganap na doktor na ako. Pero hindi ako naniniwala na iyon lang ako. Hindi ko matatanggap na ang buo kong pagkatao ay mailalalarawan lang ng pitong taon kong pag-aaral sa Kolehiyo ng Medisina. Dahil kung ganon ay siguro isa na ako sa isa sa mga pinakakaawa-awang tao sa mundo.

Haha. At kung ang mga antas lang talaga ang pagbabasihan, ay naku, kawawa naman talaga ako.

Oy. Pero magpapakabuting estudyante na ako ha. All by the grace of God.

Tama ang pagiging "vague". Nalulungkot talaga ako dahil sa pagpasok ng taong ito ay napakaraming mga ibang bagay na ang hindi ko na masyadong magagawa. Isa na siguro dun e nalulungkot talaga ako dahil hindi ko na magiging "pangalawang bahay" ang Faith Center (pero siyempre connected pa rin ako lagi dapat sa aking local church no!), 'yun bang tipong binibiro na ako ni Mama na magdala na ako ng banig at kumot dun sa church at dun na lang ako matulog. Masaya kasi ako kapag ginagawa ko 'yung mga bagay na 'yun e. Madami akong natututunan, at alam ko marami rin akong natutulungan na mga tao. Kasi kaya nga itinatag ni Jesus ang Church di ba, Body nga tayo e.. nandiyan tayo para magpalakasan ng isa't isa. Para magtulungan na itaas ang pangalan ni Hesus at wala nang iba. Hindi para magpasikatan. Hindi para magpasikat. MINISTRY 'yun e.

Nahulma na din kasi siguro ng mga oras na inilagi ko sa presensiya ng Diyos at ng mga kapwa ko Kristiyano at sa pakikinig ng Kanyang Salita ang buong pagkatao ko.

ONLY THE WORD OF GOD DEFINES ME. I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus. I am not trying to be righteous.. I was MADE righteous by the blood of Jesus, not by my own works. To try and earn righteousness would be like saying that what Jesus did was not enough. It would be an insult to His blood. My good works come as a result of that righteousness, and not the other way around. I am no longer the old sinner, I AM THE RIGHTEOUSNESS OF GOD IN CHRIST JESUS. To refuse to accept that would be pride and arrogance. True humility accepts wholeheartedly what Jesus has done as enough to bring me my salvation. He is more than enough. God loves me as I am, and sees me as victorious and more than a conqueror. The Word of God describes the real me. Whatever I feel or see about myself that contradicts what the Word of God says about me, I choose not to believe it. I will not let anyone put me down. I will not give anyone consent to make me feel inferior.

"...How refreshing to know You don't need me, how amazing to find that You WANT me...."

Okay, nag-digress na naman ako. But in a good way naman. Hehe. Asan na ko?

Sabagay, ngayong summer e natikman ko na rin naman kung pano mahiwalay dun ng ilang panahon. Pero ikinatuwa ko talaga na nung pagbalik ko e parang walang nagbago. Umm, meron daw, pero ibang usapan na muna iyon. Pero ayun nga.

Pero isa sa mga ikinababahala ko talaga ay ito - na parang unti-unti ay natatanggap ko na. Alam ko nararapat lang talaga na matanggap ko siya eventually, pero ewan ko ba. Hindi ako natutuwa. Hindi ako masaya na parang nagiging okay na lang sa akin na hindi ko na maibubuhos ang oras ko doon. Siyempre kahit nasan naman ako, alam ko kasama ko si Lord e. Pero sabi nga sa Bible di ba, "...do not forsake the assembling of yourselves together..." At hindi ako natutuwa na parang naiisip ko na okay lang 'yun kahit hindi ko na muna makasama ang mga tao dun. Na parang naiisip ko na kakayanin ko naman kahit anong mangyari e. Totoo nga, kaya ko lahat 'to sa ngalan ni Hesus, pero ayaw kong talikuran ang ibang mga bagay na nasimulan ko. Ayaw kong bumitaw sa mga taong pinahahalagahan ko. Ayaw kong maging mapagmalaki, dahil kung sa sarili ko lang e wala naman talaga akong maipagmamalaki.

At minsan nasasaktan pa ko kapag naiisip ko na "No one is indispensible." Pero drama ko lang 'yun. Kasi totoo talaga 'yun e. Madami namang ibang mga taong pwedeng gumawa nung mga ginagawa ko, dahil si Lord naman ang nagbibigay ng mga kakayanan na gawin ang mga iyon. Anointing 'yun e. Ayokong maging hadlang sa paglago ng ibang mga tao. Gusto ko ring maranasan nila ang mga naranasan ko, kasi kabutihan talaga ni Lord 'yun. Kailangan ko lang talaga mapagtagumpayan ang mga emosyon na 'to. At napagtagumpayan ko na.

Ayoko lang mawala sa puso ng mga taong mahal ko. 'Yun lang. Selfish ba 'yun? Sorry.

Ewan ko ba. Parang walang sense to ah. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako nagkakaganito. Pero sige lang Len, sulat lang ng sulat. Mamaya pa naman ako aalis e.

Ewan ko ba. Minsan parang gusto ko nang ifast-forward ang buhay ko para makita ko na kung magiging ano ba talaga ako sa hinaharap, pero kapag ganun parang ang pangit naman di ba? Wala nang excitement. Walang adventure. E ang magiging buhay ko naman sa hinaharap e bunga lamang ng aking mga desisyon sa ngayon. Bunga lang din ng mga salitang sinasambit ko ngayon ("You prophesy over your own life with the words you speak... If you want to know why your life is that way right now, look back at the words you were speaking five years ago."). Basta ngayon, nagtitiwala ako kay Lord na maganda ang plano Niya para sa buhay ko, at kung makikinig lamang ako sa Kanya at susunod sa Kanya, walang duda ay mamumuhay ako nang naaayon sa kagustuhan Niya para sa akin.

Hindi ako "exceptional"... napakaraming mga tao na mas magaling, mas mahusay sa kung anu-anong aspeto. Kung baga, wala talaga akong pwedeng i-claim na ako na ang pinakamagaling sa ganitong area. Kahit anong kaya kong gawin, sigurado may mas magaling sa akin sa bagay na iyon. Pwede akong magkaroon ng inferiority complex kung iyon ang pagtutuunan ko ng pansin, pero pinipili kong tingnan ang sarili ko kagaya ng pagtingin ng Panginoon sa akin.

Natutuwa akong isipin na alam kong may inilagay na kakaiba ang Panginoon sa buhay ko... na meron Siyang itinakdang gawain na tanging ako lamang ang makakagawa. Praise God kung isang bagay ito na napaka-spectacular at mayayanig ang buong mundo (I could single-handedly solve the problems in the Philippine Health Care system... wahahaha! Yeah right. No way! That's one thing we need to work together on... but I digress. That's another topic altogether.), pero kahit na ito ay isang bagay na maaaring maliit lang sa paningin ng ibang mga tao sa mundo, okay na okay sa akin 'yun. Kung ito ay simple lamang, kagaya nang pagtulong sa mga taong nalulungkot, o kaya ay pagpapasaya sa mga taong may problema, o kaya ang makinig lang sa kanila talaga.. sa aking pakiramdam ay malaking tagumpay na rin iyon.

Dahil para sa akin, ang pinakaimportante sa lahat ay kung may mga buhay na nababago dahil sa iyo at sa mga angking talino at kakayahan na ibinigay ng Panginoon sa iyo. Mapa-isang buong bansa man yan, o nag-iisang tao lang, walang pinagkaiba iyon.

Pero hindi pa rin ako susuko. Mangangarap pa rin ako.

Haha. Sobrang halo-halo na talaga ito. Kung di mo ako na-gets, wag kang mag-alala. Minsan ako mismo di ko rin gets e. Wehehe.

.changing lives.

2007-06-07T17:14:00.000+08:00

It wasn't so long ago that doing hospital duties was such a foreign concept... something that, while I acknowledged it to be my reality in the near-future, seemed too far away to spend even more than just a few moments to think about it. And now that only a few days stand before me and my first 24-hour duty for the year, it has been crossing my mind more often than usual.

But honestly, what I am really thinking about right now is not the rigorous clinical training that Clerkship year calls for, but the changes that are bound to go along with it.

They say that progress only comes with change. I believe that.

Sure, some changes may be difficult to understand at first, and I do not deny that some of them may actually hurt. There are changes that may be more difficult to accept than others, but I choose to get past my feelings and decide to be filled with joy and be strong in the face of such. Routines are shattered and your comfort zone seemingly is pushing you away itself (hahaha, funny mental picture!), but I just have to deal with it. After all, THE JOY OF THE LORD IS MY STRENGTH.

I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME.

The Message Bible presents Ecclesiastes 3 in this way (I did not include some of the verses na ha?).. I do not claim to have received a full revelation of what this chapter is truly saying, but for now, I believe it speaks to me about the seasons of life.

"There's an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth:
A right time for birth and another for death, A right time to plant and another to reap,
A right time to kill and another to heal, A right time to destroy and another to construct,
A right time to cry and another to laugh, A right time to lament and another to cheer,
A right time to make love and another to abstain, A right time to embrace and another to part,
A right time to search and another to count your losses, A right time to hold on and another to let go,
A right time to rip out and another to mend, A right time to shut up and another to speak up,
A right time to love and another to hate, A right time to wage war and another to make peace.
But in the end, does it really make a difference what anyone does?

...True, God made everything beautiful in itself and in its time--but he's left us in the dark, so we can never know what God is up to, whether he's coming or going.

I've decided that there's nothing better to do than go ahead and have a good time and get the most we can out of life.

That's it--eat, drink, and make the most of your job. It's God's gift.

I've also concluded that whatever God does, that's the way it's going to be, always. No addition, no subtraction. God's done it and that's it. That's so we'll quit asking questions and simply worship in holy fear.

Whatever was, is. Whatever will be, is. That's how it always is with God.

... There's a right time for every thing, every deed--and there's no getting around it...

...So I made up my mind that there's nothing better for us men and women than to have a good time in whatever we do--that's our lot. Who knows if there's anything else to life?"

I am about to enter this new season in my life, and I choose to embrace it.

"...But because God was so gracious, so very generous, here I am. And I'm not about to let his grace go to waste. Haven't I worked hard trying to do more than any of the others? Even then, my work didn't amount to all that much. It was God giving me the work to do, God giving me the energy to do it."

1 Corinthians 15:10

And I think this sums it up pretty well...

"...What actually took place is this: I tried keeping rules and working my head off to please God, and it didn't work. So I quit being a "law man" so that I could be God's man. Christ's life showed me how, and enabled me to do it. I identified myself completely with him. Indeed, I have been crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not "mine," but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."

Galatians 2:19-20

I thank God for His grace and favor upon my life.

I am blessed to be a blessing.